Here is Part 2 of my thoughts of what is important in a good marriage/couple therapist.  If you’ve missed Part 1, you may read the first two items that I believe are important at:

What To Look For In A Good Marriage Counselor: Part 1

In addition to the first two I spoke about in Part 1, the final three items are:

3. Are they strong enough to keep you “safe” during the sessions?

Couples enter counseling with very strong emotional dynamics, which they demonstrate (perhaps unconsciously) very quickly to the marriage therapist.  This may involve the expression of anger directly, or may show up more with contempt, criticism, avoidance, finger-pointing and many other ways.  While this is instructive to the therapist, if the couple is allowed to continue in these behaviors, they will continue to damage their relationship.

The couples counselor must be emotionally grounded enough and “strong” enough to prevent this from happening in a destructive manner and help the couple to create changes in their patterns of interaction.  How the therapist does this is up to their own training and personality and presence.  Believe it or not, sometimes I have to stand up in session and give my couples a “time-out” which is when being 6’3” and over 200 pounds really helps!

4. Do you feel like they can help you?

Your feelings about the marriage counselor and the “vibe” you get from them are really important.  You will be sharing  very intimate parts of your life with this person., as well as spending time and money.  And, the fate of your relationship may rest in your choice of therapist.  Your attitude towards towards your couples counselor will definitely affect how successful the work will be in improving your relationship.

This doesn’t mean that you have to actually like everything your marriage therapist says or that you will always enjoy the process of treatment.  I worked with one couple a few months ago who was referred to me by a former student of mine.  At the end of the first session, the husband stated, “I don’t really like you that much, you seem to oversimplify things, and you really piss me off, but I feel like you can help me, so we’ll be back!”

5. Do they work in generalities or do they actually work on specific issues and give you specific tools to help your relationship?

Couples therapy doesn’t have the same “luxury” of time that individual psychotherapy does.  A couple usually enters treatment because they are in crisis and most likely have been in crisis for a long, long time.  If they don’t feel that they are getting results, that there is some improvement in a short period of time, the couple may not stay together long enough to work through their issues.

For this reason, I believe that couples counseling requires the therapist to be much more active and involved than individual treatment does.  We don’t have the same time to build rapport and get to know the couple that we could take with an individual client.  We must identify deal quickly with the primary issues facing the couple.

My ultimate goal of couples therapy is to teach the couple to be their own couples therapist.  I teach them a way of looking at their relationship that helps them to be more compassionate and empathic with each other and give them tools that they can use anytime (not just in my office) to make their relationship better.

So this completes my list of the five things I believe are important to look for in a marriage counselor.  I hope that it has been helpful for you.  I would love your feedback and your own experiences in couples therapy.  Please post a comment on the bottom of this blog article or email me directly through the “Contact” form on this website.

Thank you so much,

Dr. Adam Sheck

Please, please, PLEASE share this information with anyone that you feel would benefit from it. It is so vital for people that are courageous enough to enter psychotherapy actually have a good first experience!