What Men Want In Relationships
By drsheck on Aug 28, 2009 in Articles, Relationship
Regarding the question of what men want, it’s not really that complicated at all. I can tell you this from both personal and professional experience, that what men want in relationships is pretty basic. Hint: It’s not about having a “trophy” partner or someone to feed us and take care of us when we’re sick. It’s certainly not about having someone to “process” feelings with. It’s not even about sex, though sexuality IS an important part of relationships.
What men REALLY want in a relationship, is a safe place to recharge and renew themselves in order to go back out and face the world and “fight the good fight.” What men want is a safe, secure, STRESS-FREE environment where we can recover from dealing with the “rat-race” and just relax. What men want is a place where we can be ourselves, without putting on the facade that the world sometimes demands. We want a place where we don’t have to be on our best behavior, where we don’t have to walk on egg shells and where we don’t have to pretend that we’re something we’re not.
We want a place where we can be accepted for who we are and for who we are not! What men want is consistency and routine, because that is what relaxes us. ”Same place, same thing” calms us down. Yes, we like change and excitement from time to time, but what we really want in our primary relationship is a place where we can be at peace, where we don’t have to have our “fight or flight” response triggered. We’re activated enough in the work world, we don’t want our relationship to be like a second job!
Why is this what men want? Why do men want to recharge in relationships? I believe it goes back to our early childhood development (I’m a psychologist, of course I’m going to go there!). Attachment theory tells us that one stage of childhood is that time where we have started to break away from mommy and become more independent. We play with our friends and have fun, but every once in a while we take a look back and connect to mommy, maybe just eye contact, to make sure that she is there and that everything is okay. And then we can get back to play. We need a “secure base” to launch from in order to explore our world and when necessary we need a “safe haven” to seek comfort from that world.
On some level, I believe that men still do this in our adult relationships. Not in that cliche, “I’ve married my mother” way, but hopefully in a more mature, more conscious way. We want someone around us, to make sure that it (we) are okay. We don’t necessarily want or need to interact with them constantly, just “check in” or “touch base.”
When I’m in a relationship, I’m happy just knowing that my partner is in the house, we don’t even need to talk. And yes, we do interact as well, but there’s something comforting in just knowing that someone is there.
So there is the psychology, and then there is also the biology. Men are more susceptible to being physiologically aroused. Yes, THAT way, too, but I mean in terms of “fight or flight” and being ready to fight off attacks from the dinosaurs and sabertooth tigers. That’s what our bodies tell us to do and so we have relationships in order to take a break from that, in order to give our systems a rest, to renew ourselves.
As men we don’t want to multitask and we don’t want to speak in the language of feelings. We’re not built to do these things optimally. We can do them, and of course, sometimes we must, but we’re not designed to do them very well. I’m not saying that we should use biology as an excuse, it just needs to be understood and accepted, so we that can optimize our relationships and have both partner’s needs acknowledged and met.
So there you have it, what men want in relationships. Not necessarily what their partners want (if they are partnered with a woman). And what do women want? And how do we reconcile the differences? That, dear reader, will have to be addressed in another post. Stay tuned!
In the meantime, it is good to be aware of our differences. And, if you have a reaction to this post, please feel free to send me comments. As always, I am grateful and stimulated by your interaction.
Thanks so much,
Dr. Adam Sheck
If you’d like to know more about my beliefs about what men want and how to bring back the passion in your relationship, please download my Free Special Report, “20 Rituals For Romance!” at www.freepassiontips.com
Poly-Friendly Professionals 
I just have one thing to say about this…… It seems men want their cake and eat it too. Who does want stress when they come home after a long days work?> The truth is we all have it and why should the women have to deal with all that after work and not men? Sounds like a plush life, work..go home to a perfect peaceful world…… in one's dream. I understand we all want a place to go home to, that is safe, but the fact is, there is stress after work… there are issues to be dealt with. Not that they have to be dealt with in a bad way, but the days of men coming home to a sanctuary is not that realistic. Laundry, bills, kids, house, family demands are there. Do men not understand that? Do men not think women would like the same thing?
Kristyn Foxworth | Aug 28, 2009 | Reply
The second paragraph sounds very similar to what women want.
Nita Rubio | Aug 28, 2009 | Reply
Kristyn I think just the same as you.
Veronica Lundin Sköldqvist | Aug 28, 2009 | Reply
I see so many men's profiles on singles sites that say they want a STRESS free environment. Does this mean they don't want to deal with their women's feelings? I feel I have rec'd the message more than once that they don't want drama and while I don't want drama either I want to be who I am and part of that is living partially my intuitive-emotional being…
Nikki Goodman | Aug 28, 2009 | Reply
Kristyn Foxworth | Aug 28, 2009 | Reply
I just say GO NIKKI; GO NIKKI!!! You got so right about that!!!
Veronica Lundin Sköldqvist | Aug 28, 2009 | Reply
Stress free means I only care about me, don't give me any shit, I want everything my way…. one word…Creep!
Kristyn Foxworth | Aug 28, 2009 | Reply
Exactly Nikki!!
Kristyn Foxworth | Aug 28, 2009 | Reply
I want a man who can love me for the one I am, and a man who can take care of him sielf and also take responsibilty of tha family.
Veronica Lundin Sköldqvist | Aug 28, 2009 | Reply
OMG Veronica if you find that…i will cook and clean like a good little wife…LOL..LOL
Kristyn Foxworth | Aug 28, 2009 | Reply
I want a man who cares about me and not always think of himsielf in the first place
Veronica Lundin Sköldqvist | Aug 28, 2009 | Reply
Well Im mariied, but my husband cant see when its time to clean and all that suff even if I tell him. So now I have learn our children to clean the house. We have 3 boys, and they are much better than their father to clean the house
Veronica Lundin Sköldqvist | Aug 28, 2009 | Reply
So when my sons get older maybe they will be better husbands then their father
Veronica Lundin Sköldqvist | Aug 28, 2009 | Reply
Then there are the other underlying issues. Specifically that most studies have been done from the male perspective, on the male body. We all have flight or fight within us. Yes, there are differences but which are informed by culture and which are truly biological? Men fighting the good fight is a stereotype. Women do this also. Every single day-with very little support. There are nuanced tones here of the "good" woman holding down the fort while the man goes out into the world. No wonder the response. We are fed up with the "good" woman.
Nita Rubio | Aug 28, 2009 | Reply
Exactly Nita, you got so right about that
Veronica Lundin Sköldqvist | Aug 28, 2009 | Reply
It is nice to find a balance in a partnership, however it works best. But the fact of the matter is men… you can have your stress free environment when you take your woman to the Bahamas!. Just like the rest of us! I do understand Adam that a man needs to have his recharging time, as we" all "do, but to make the relationship the only place for that to take place, is putting a lot on the ..woman to …."act" or "Pretend" all is well for their .man who is living an <egg shell> existence.
Kristyn Foxworth | Aug 28, 2009 | Reply
LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!
Veronica Lundin Sköldqvist | Aug 28, 2009 | Reply
Kristyn , I couldnt have said it better
Veronica Lundin Sköldqvist | Aug 28, 2009 | Reply
P.S. Great job with your sons Veronica… what a great gift you give them…xxo
Kristyn Foxworth | Aug 28, 2009 | Reply
wow, who knew that a little information would stir up so much resentment and controversy! always happy to add something to the mix, ladies. and, there IS a solution (or multiple solutions).
Adam Sheck | Aug 28, 2009 | Reply
YES!!!
Veronica Lundin Sköldqvist | Aug 28, 2009 | Reply
hmmmm. don't really find it controversial. I was hoping that we were all being educational.
Nita Rubio | Aug 28, 2009 | Reply
Nita…. I was thinking the same thing… enlightening.. ..
Kristyn Foxworth | Aug 28, 2009 | Reply
Wow, you really know how to stir the pot, Adam. I love this post because it shows how we want answers to questions like this… and yet, when we get an authentic response it can ruffle our feathers. I believe that all great relationships will inevitably include offering up something that our partner wants and/or needs, even when (or maybe I should say especially when) it isn't perfectly aligned with our needs and wants. But remember ladies, it's okay to ask for some reciprocation regarding your desires, too. I think the stress-free space to recharge is an amazing and loving gift. As is the trip to the Bahamas
. I say give and let give !!!
Elaina McMillan | Aug 28, 2009 | Reply
Agreed ….!!
Ty Elaina.. One will be treated as they let others treat them.
Kristyn Foxworth | Aug 28, 2009 | Reply
I do agree" peace" is a gift of love to one another in a relationship.
Kristyn Foxworth | Aug 28, 2009 | Reply
information is information, we all are free to do what we do with it. I can tell you though, that when a man feels connected and loved, he will do ANYTHING for his loved ones, including the risking of his life (which is hopefully unnecessary most of the time).
Adam Sheck | Aug 28, 2009 | Reply
This is great Adam…so nice of you to share! Thanks (???)
Jennifer Leigh Epps | Aug 28, 2009 | Reply
This is great Adam…so nice of you to share! Thanks (???)
Jennifer Leigh Epps | Aug 28, 2009 | Reply
This is great Adam…so nice of you to share! Thanks (???)
Jennifer Leigh Epps | Aug 28, 2009 | Reply
This is great Adam…so nice of you to share! Thanks (???)
Jennifer Leigh Epps | Aug 28, 2009 | Reply
This is great Adam…so nice of you to share! Thanks (???)
Jennifer Leigh Epps | Aug 28, 2009 | Reply
This is great Adam…so nice of you to share! Thanks (???)
Jennifer Leigh Epps | Aug 28, 2009 | Reply
This is great Adam…so nice of you to share! Thanks (???)
Jennifer Leigh Epps | Aug 28, 2009 | Reply
This is great Adam…so nice of you to share! Thanks (???)
Jennifer Leigh Epps | Aug 28, 2009 | Reply
This is great Adam…so nice of you to share! Thanks (???)
Jennifer Leigh Epps | Aug 28, 2009 | Reply
A woman will do just about anything as well, in that situation. From protecting their children and family to doing anything for her love. Creating a loving place a home of comfort, we all want and will naturally protect..Joy…
Kristyn Foxworth | Aug 28, 2009 | Reply
I've learned that I must BE for myself the type of partner I desire to BE with me.
Mary Elizabeth | Aug 28, 2009 | Reply
So true Mary, and one has to behave like they dream their relationship should be….
Kristyn Foxworth | Aug 28, 2009 | Reply
I noticed that only women commented on Adam's post. Most of the women are naming things they would like to see from their "other". However no two women seek the same qualities which goes to prove that if you don't know what you want, how the hell are us men supposed to figure that out.
John Scandone | Aug 28, 2009 | Reply
All we need is love……………………………….
Kristyn Foxworth | Aug 28, 2009 | Reply
Adam, dear, shall I bring you your pipe and slippers??
Marla Eglowstein | Aug 28, 2009 | Reply
a place where your fight or flight response is triggered? really? isn't that up to you? sounds like (and from my experience) men just don't like to be challenged to grow. I understand why you say what you say, but that's because ALL of us want to feel safe. and this comment, "We’re not built to do these things optimally. We can do them, and of course, sometimes we must, but we’re not designed to do them very well" in reference to "feelings" is a cop out. We aren't either believe it or not, that's why your fight or flight response gets triggered, cuz we get angry therefore masking our hurt and then not speaking about the truth of our feelings, just the repercussions of them not being met because we didn't know what we needed or truly felt or how to get them met, we were hoping you could help us do that….
Kimberly Berg | Aug 28, 2009 | Reply
you may want to read Chalice and the Blade as well as Sacred Pleasures, both by Riane Eisler.
Kimberly Berg | Aug 28, 2009 | Reply
I am curious if you are a fan of Alison Armstrong and the PAX Understanding Men (and Women) info? http://www.UnderstaningMen.com I think.Nice article!
Virginia Lukei | Aug 28, 2009 | Reply
37 comments, I'm impressed that this subject has raised such a response. In addition to responses that suggest to me, "you're wrong", "I don't agree", "men and women want the same thing", "women are tired of men taking the easy way out," etc., I would love to hear comments about the subject, "what men want in relationships" from YOUR perspective. I am more than thrilled to hear about what women want and need and I'm sure my future post on that will get tons of feedback. I'd say about 90% of my audience are women, AND, I would love feedback on THIS subject, from both men and from women. So please, from your point of view, what do men want in relationships?
Adam Sheck | Aug 28, 2009 | Reply
thanks so much for the book suggestions, i'll put them on my queue.
Adam Sheck | Aug 28, 2009 | Reply
Well what most women want is men to stop being unpractical…. they are not the only ones that want to come home to peace and solitude and.also. realize women would love to come home …put their feet up and say…to hell with it all too! Maybe there is common ground after all. A "Refuge" is for intimate time alone the trust time, the safe zone,but I believe the day goes on after work and the more pleasant a relationship can handle the un-pleasantries (responsibilities we all face) the better for them overall in the "Refuge" time. We know what men want…that truly has never been a secret. It is finding a man that wants more…than the innate instincts. Shall we call it civilized?
Kristyn Foxworth | Aug 28, 2009 | Reply
I really enjoyed reading this, Adam, and find it to be true in my own experience. Thank you for taking the time to put it into words and share it!
Lauren Brenner | Aug 29, 2009 | Reply
just because it's true doesn't make it okay….there are men out there who do want to experience and intimate connection and who are interested in becoming whole beings. This article does not address those who want more from their intimate relationships and just don't know how to get there, it's only addressing those who are this way and don't know there is another way that could allow them to experience their creative/sexual energies to a much fuller expression.
Kimberly Berg | Aug 29, 2009 | Reply
ha,ha,ha…very cute Sea! See you Sunday, looking very forward to working together…..
Kimberly Berg | Aug 29, 2009 | Reply
I am wondering why some of us (women) view this example of "what men want" as a lack of intimacy and connection! Perhaps the point is that men have a different way of connecting than women do, and "intimacy" may be different for the sexes. We all long to be understood and valued just as we are, and by judging someone else's needs as somehow emotionally inadequate, we rob both them AND ourselves of an opportunity for love and connection. Who is to say that one way of of expression is "fuller" or more real? I have learned the hard way (and my lessons are far from over!) that real love comes from meeting someone else where they are – not expecting them to conform to your idea of who they should be. I found Adam's explanation quite refreshing and enlightening! Adam, a friend who read your post is waiting for the sequel: "What Women Need!""The greatest thing you'll ever learn – is to love and be loved in return." – lyrics from "Nature Boy"
Lauren Brenner | Aug 29, 2009 | Reply
Kimberly and Kristyn to a lesser degree I believe maybe you underestimated the simple truth expressed, The refuge and trust for us is the base of intimacy, its the break from the fight or flight response, from the constant struggle to protect our mate and our offspring, returning to that trust allows us to be free to express ourself completely, fully in our sexual and creative outlets to allow unlimited expression of sexuality and intimacy. Freedom without loss can only come thru trust. Its why we build castles to retreat from the battle and rest, not to imprison, We ( Men ) truly want a woman our equal or greater in intellect, social grace, emotional strength and spirit/ soul who Is willing to fight beside us, build beside us, play and lay beside us, as a choice and a gift in trust- so we can revel in glorious respite and renewed in glorious combat.
Wesley Pierce | Aug 29, 2009 | Reply
Nice article – And accurate, for the most part. It's the butt-heads that give the rest of us guys a bad name. Are men 'hard-wired' to treat women with a 'double-standard' or did they learn it along the way? Like it or not, what's so is that mothers are the primary care giver (while men are off fighting real or imagined dragons). So why are men (especially butt-heads) the way they are? Nature vs nurture? – perhaps a little of both. So moms (and dads) lets make sure we raise boys (and girls) to be in touch with all aspects of who they are (physical, intellectual, emotional & spiritual), so that someday, we will evolve to have less butt-heads!
Julian Acosta | Aug 30, 2009 | Reply
Watch this video: DOES LOVE MAKE SENSE:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=COFZ5T4VCzI
Mary Elizabeth | Aug 31, 2009 | Reply
Makes one wonder how we ever get together and STAY together! Women want emotional support and dialogue…(and yes, I always recommend to my clients – get that from your girlfriends!!) Great post, Adam!
Funny, a man I am dating recently told me that he just needs me to “take care of him”…not in the financial or sexual way…but just as you said…create a safe place. Most amazing thing….that is ALL I WANT FROM HIM TOO! A safe place to land.
So, in the end, I believe both sexes want the SAME thing, we just have different ways of experiencing and communicating it!
Ali | Dec 31, 2009 | Reply
Ali,
All very true, thanks for your comment. I’ve been meaning to write a complementary article to this post, about what women might need. To me, we all desire the same thing, we just receive it in different ways. My belief/thought is that women want connection, it’s what it takes for them to feel connected that is the challenge for many men. I’ll definitely post my thoughts about it in the new year.
Adam
drsheck | Dec 31, 2009 | Reply
Thanks for this it makes so much sense
Regards
wendy
wendy | Jan 27, 2010 | Reply
Adam,
I like really enjoyed this post. Your explanation makes total sense to me. This has clarified my perceptions, given them the words I was unable to set them to. I appreciate you filling in some of the puzzle pieces to complete the picture.
Wesley has some awesome points also!
Val
Val Wilcox | Sep 8, 2010 | Reply
Val,
I’m so glad it makes sense to you! Sometimes my work as a couples counselor and relationship coach is to help “translate” between couples and hopefully this article (and the companion piece) will support that.
Thanks so much,
Adam
drsheck | Sep 9, 2010 | Reply
I am disheartened (but not surpised) by the large number of women here who seem to feel as if we women are getting the short end of the bargain. We most certainly are not! Those of us who understand what men want (and are willing to give it to them) get so much more in return. Try it ladies, it’s more fun than groaning about it, and you’ll have men eating out of your hands. Really.
Leah | Sep 13, 2010 | Reply
Leah,
Thanks so much for sharing your perspective. I agree with you, the more we understand each other (as well as ourselves), the more we can shape our lives into what we desire. And from my perspective, men’s needs are so uncomplicated, it doesn’t take that much for us to be happy. And when we’re happy, we want to share all that we are and have with our partners.
Take care,
Adam
drsheck | Sep 14, 2010 | Reply
Men and Women have to deal with their problems and show up as an Adult not a child and find ways to give in a relaionship.
Some Men need to Stop using how you were brought up to sidestep being an Adult. Both men and woman work. And both need deal with stress and issues after work.
Ben | Sep 29, 2010 | Reply
Ben,
I would agree with you, part of being an adult, mature human being is to let go of the past and take responsibility for you life now!
Take care,
Adam
drsheck | Sep 29, 2010 | Reply
Love this. I completely agree with both Leah and Adam. This what i currently do with my boyfriend and this has been the most Adult, respectful loving relationship i have been in my whole life.
I am glad that i wasn’t to “me orientated” to not follow these suggestions.
Amanda | Aug 25, 2011 | Reply
Amanda,
Glad this article made sense to you and that you’re applying it naturally in your relationship.
Take care,
Adam
drsheck | Aug 26, 2011 | Reply