Dr. Sheck,

It’s been two months since our first child was born.  The doctor said that after 6 weeks we can have sex again, but I don’t really feel like it.  My husband is definitely ready though.  What should I do?

Tired & Torn

Dear T & T

This is not uncommon and the short answer is to

be patient, communicate your feelings and let nature take it’s course.  Your body may be healed sufficiently to begin to have sex with your husband again after 6-8 weeks, but emotionally it may take longer.

At this point your energy level and sexual desire will most likely not be up to your usual level.  And, your body is changing.  It’s changing physically and you may view it emotionally in a different way than before as well.

You may feel more maternal than sexual.  Your perception of your breasts may have changed from an erotic zone to a feeding zone.

Breastfeeding causes estrogen levels to drop; estrogen affects not only the libido, but also the lining of the vagina, which can became dry, making sex painful. Your physician can help you with issues like these.

Add to physical and emotional changes, the fact that you haven’t been physically intimate, physically connected in that way for quite some time.  Be patient with yourself.

It’s okay to take your time in reconnecting.  And it’s important to communicate with your husband about this.  He has most likely been quite patient and wants to reconnect with you in one of the ways that he knows how to.

Men often are more comfortable connecting with their partners in a physical way than an emotional or verbal way.  So, he is probably missing the connection with you as much as he’s missing the sex, maybe even more.

So begin to connect on a physical level again, even if it’s not a sexual level.  Get back to the physical intimacy and closeness. Touch, kiss, massage, rub each other’s feet, hold each other, cuddle.

Create a romantic scenario, even if sex isn’t the goal in that specific moment.  Visualize romantic scenes as well, to prime the “pump” of the unconscious.

Be patient, can take a good three months to two years to get your sex life back to “normal.”  And of course, by then you might be thinking of having another child!  And it starts all over again!

Bottom line: Communicate!

Normalize the experience of just having a baby and know that it takes time to get back into a rhythm. Be realistic

Be realistic, AND make it happen anyway. Make it a priority, if that’s what you choose to do.

Thank you so much,

Dr. Adam Sheck

I would really appreciate your feedback on this subject. Have you had an experience with infidelity? Did you see a therapist? Were you able to work it out with your partner? What was helpful about the treatment? And as always, click on the “Share” button below to forward this article to your friends, family and colleagues that you feel might benefit from it.