Are You A Maximizer or a Minimizer?
By drsheck on May 24, 2010 in Articles, Communication, Relationship
So what do I mean by the terms Maximizer and Minimizer? Have you ever noticed that in your romantic relationships that one person usually plays the more active role and one plays the more passive role? Have you ever noticed that one person seems to be the “pursuer” and the other, the “pursued”? And have you noticed that you may play a different role in different relationships, at different times?
Each relationship seems to have a polarity between the two partners, a yin and a yang. We can call it the pursuer and the pursued or to generalize even more, in Imago Relationships Therapy, we call these positions the “maximizer” and the “minimizer.”
In each relationship there is generally a maximizer and a minimizer, which corresponds in some ways to the two basic options of our “fight or flight” survival mechanism. In the primitive part of our brain, what I’ve called before our “lizard brain” we confuse psychological distress with physical survival. This then triggers our fight or flight mechanism. Generally the two partners complement each other and one tends to fight and one tends to run, which is flight.
The maximizer when feeling threatened emotionally, will externalize their energy, exaggerating it and exploding it outward. The minimizer will diminish or constrict their energy. Both are unconscious survival skills that are activated when the emotional context of the relationship feels threatening.
And the truth is, that we come together in relationship to help each other to grow and heal. That means that it is perfect that there is a maximizer and a minimizer. It is perfect that there is one who initiates emotional connection and one who withdraws and needs space. Both are critical abilities to have in a balanced life.
Previously I’ve written about the concept of the “Power Struggle” which represents the conflict between the maximizer and the minimizer (To see my post “Three Stages of Relationships, Click Here) . The antidote to the Power Struggle is for each partner in the relationship to “stretch” to give each other what they need. Of course, this is easier said than done, which is why Couples Counselors like myself exist, to support this process in relationships.
To summarize, below is a table with the qualities of the maximizer and the minimizer:
| Minimizers | Maximizers |
| Implode feelings inward | Explode feelings outward |
| Diminish feelings | Exaggerate feelings |
| Deny dependency | Depend on others |
| Mostly deny their needs | Mostly exaggerate needs |
| Share little of inner world | Are compulsively open |
| Withhold feelings, thoughts, behaviors | Are excessively generous |
| Take direction from themselves | Ask direction of others |
| Think mainly about themselves | Think mainly of others |
| Act and think compulsively | Act impulsively |
| Passive aggressive | Aggressive |
Which seems to describe your experience of yourself in relationships? Have you felt like the maximizer in some relationships and the minimizer in others? I would love your comments and feedback on this topic.
Thank you so much,
Dr. Adam Sheck
If you’d like to know more about how a maximizer or a minimizer can back the passion, download my Free Special Report, “20 Rituals For Romance!” at www.freepassiontips.com
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Adam, I believe I used to fluctuate between minimizing and maximizing. I’d like to believe that currently I am more balanced. But then, each relationship is different and somebody else’s unique personality can trigger me back into one of my old patterns.
Dr. Erica Goodstone | May 25, 2010 | Reply
Erica,
Thanks so much for sharing. I have not doubt that all the personal work you have done has reduced your reactivity for sure! Yet, I know for myself, when I’m feeling stressed, I revert back to my old defenses and patterns and do my best to stay as conscious as possible.
Adam
drsheck | May 25, 2010 | Reply
Adam,
Very interesting post. Reaching a balance within yourself first would bring about a more balanced relationship with others.
Learning to recognize and adjust your reactions would empower a person in their communications and interactions. Just a notice.
Val
Val Wilcox | May 26, 2010 | Reply
Val,
Thanks so much for your feedback. Balance certainly WOULD be a critical step.
Take care,
Adam
drsheck | May 26, 2010 | Reply
I have become more balanced as of late… but my tendencies gravitate toward Minimizer.
It’s taken a great deal of work – much like other aspects of our relationships.
But we both agree that things today are much better than they were even just a year ago.
Paul Klaszus | May 27, 2010 | Reply
Paul,
I’m a Minimizer like you! And, I truly appreciate the personal work you have done and are doing to make your marriage grow and be better than ever. Glad this post has been of some help.
Adam
drsheck | May 27, 2010 | Reply
Love this article! Is there a gender component to this? I’m curious to know if women tend to be Maximizers/men Minimizers or if it is of no consequence. I tend to be the Maximizer. I am in a serious relationship where I totally see him as the Minimizer and me the Maximizer. BUT, on a second read through of your article, I became aware that I also see Maximizer in him and Minimizer in me–and the difference (I think) is when he is stressed. When he is overloaded with stress, he definitely has Maximizer tendencies, and I become more of the Minimizer.
Paula | May 29, 2010 | Reply
Paula,
That is a GREAT question and I don’t really have an answer. I don’t believe that it is particularly gender related, but I am going to do some research and post the question to a couples therapist forum I belong to as well and get back to you on that. I appreciate your insights and am glad that the article has you thinking. And now you’ve got ME thinking!
Adam
drsheck | May 29, 2010 | Reply
“The antidote to the Power Struggle is for each partner in the relationship to “stretch” to give each other what they need.”
Healthy relationships definitely have a give and take component to them. The hard part is giving what is hard for you to do yourself or that which does not come naturally to you.
Kev in M. | May 29, 2010 | Reply
Kevin,
Exactly! And if you read my earlier posts, you’ll see that we unconsciously choose the perfect partner so that we can stretch and give what doesn’t come easily to us, so that we can grow. It truly is an amazing process, growing in relationships.
Thanks for your post,
Adam
drsheck | May 30, 2010 | Reply
In our relationship before we both really got into personal development it was a maximizer and minimizer relationship but now we are on the same path and for the most part already know what the other person is thinking before they say it. Thanks for the article.
Michael
Michael Berry | Jun 2, 2010 | Reply
Michael,
Glad you enjoyed the article. And, I’m even more impressed that you worked your relationship issues out to such a great extent. You are an inspiration to us all!
Thanks,
Adam
drsheck | Jun 2, 2010 | Reply
I’m definitely a minimizer! not so much by choice (well maybe a little) but more so by design. Now that I think about it, my father was a minimizer and so was my grandfather. Guess I just got caught in the cycle, although I can definitely be a maximizer at times.
Great food for thought!
Dewane Mutunga | Jun 6, 2010 | Reply
Dewane,
Thanks for the feedback, it’s so cool that you can see the family pattern. Awareness is the first step towards making change. These are just the defensive patterns we created growing up, they’re not good or bad. Hopefully you’ll have a little more consciousness, a little more freedom now.
Take care,
Adam
drsheck | Jun 6, 2010 | Reply
Hi Adam,
I can relate to both & as you noted, have probably been one or the other depending upon the relationship I was in at the time. I like to think that as I’ve “matured” that I’ve become more like the minimizer, with less outbursts and such. Unfortunately, I think this too can be bad if taken to the extreme, and such as being a minimizer, and always keeping things bottled up. Thanks for sharing!
Christine
Christine Casey | Jun 26, 2010 | Reply
Christine,
Thanks so much for sharing. Don’t feel bad about being one or the other though! They are just natural coping strategies we use to deal with our situation and with consciousness, we can choose when and how to direct our energies.
Thanks again,
Adam
drsheck | Jun 26, 2010 | Reply
Hi Adam,
it is so good to see you writing about Imago.
Thank you!
I did an Imago weekend workshop with an ex partner and we stayed together a lot longer because of it. Because of using the tools to really communicate I felt heard and understood. Unfortunately our ‘values’ were to different to stay together. We are still friends though.
Love and Light
from
Yorinda
(minimizer)
Yorinda | Jul 18, 2010 | Reply
Yorinda,
Imago is great work and I’m so glad you have experienced it. Nothing is a guarantee in life, yet understanding the principles gives us a much better chance of creating happiness.
Wish you the best,
Adam
drsheck | Jul 18, 2010 | Reply