Do You Share A Relationship Vision?
By drsheck on May 16, 2010 in Articles, Relationship
“Too many couples spend more time planning their wedding than planning their marriage!”
-Dr. Adam Sheck
My statement above pertains to all committed relationships, whether your commitment is recognized by God, religion, the government, the IRS or whether you don’t even care about validation from an outside source. My point is, to be successful you need to not only have a relationship vision, but a SHARED relationship vision, one that both you and your partner have expressed and agreed upon.
One of the first assignments I give to couples that meet me for relationship counseling is to create a “shared relationship vision.” Let me explain why I do this and more specifically what I mean by a “shared relationship vision.”
We all have some ideas, some preconception, some notion of what kind of committed, romantic relationship we would like to have, whether the form looks like dating, co-habitation, marriage or some other path. These ideas have mainly been “implanted” into our unconscious by observing our primary caregivers (usually our parents), our extended family, our neighbors, our community, and of course, television and movies.
For “better or worse” we have this internalized vision, which is very related to what I’ve called in other articles and videos, the “Imago” which is Latin for “image.” The issue though, is that our intimate partner ALSO has an internalized vision of how they would like to live out their idealized relationship and the two relationship visions might not be entirely compatible!
Unfortunately, most couples do not share very much of their individual vision prior to making a commitment and only find out over time that there are some bumps in the road. That’s usually when they come to see me or another psychologist or couples counselor.
One of my first tasks then, is to have them create the previously mentioned “shared relationship vision” which will merge both of their ideas for how they would like to share their lives together in order to build a deep, lasting partnership.
It gives couples a kind of roadmap to help them assess whether they are “on course” in their relationship, so that they can put in the necessary correction. This is important, as we don’t really have a good internalized GPS system to help us course correct and get us where we want to be.
So until there is “an app for that” we have to do it the old-fashioned way. While the process is straightforward, it takes a little bit of time and effort (and often a third party, such as myself) to organize and create the shared relationship vision. That being said, if you’d like to try it on your own, the basic steps are as follows:
1. Each of you makes a separate list detailing YOUR vision of the relationship. Write it:
- In the present tense.
- In positive terms (what you want, not what you don’t want).
- Be specific!
- Use “We” statements
Examples might be:
“We go out one night each week without the children and enjoy a romantic dinner.”
“We resolve arguments by communicating clearly using the tools Dr. Sheck taught us.”
2. Write your list in all of the areas of relationship. This might include:
- Romance & Sexuality
- Financial/Spending/Budgets
- Family/Parenting/Children
- Emotional/Communication/Conflict resolution
- Spiritual/Religious
3. Verbally share your relationship vision with your partner and then combine the lists into one master list, one “shared relationship vision.”
The third step is often the most challenging, as it may very well involve a great deal of negotiation. This is where a trained professional may be of great service.
Once the list is completed, you have the roadmap and can monitor how well you are creating the relationship vision you desire. And, the vision may change over time, it is a living, breathing document that will grow with you.
The bottom line is that if you don’t consciously create your relationship together, you leave it to chance or worse, to your unconscious, unresolved issues. You can’t control everything, but you can plan a roadmap and make conscious choices to head towards your destination together.
If I can be of further support in this area, please contact me. I wish you the best!
Dr. Adam Sheck
And PLEASE, click below to share this article with anyone that you feel will benefit from it.
If you benefited from the concept of a relationship vision and would like to know more about my work with couples, please download my Free Special Report, “20 Rituals For Romance!” at www.freepassiontips.com
Poly-Friendly Professionals 
Hi Adam,
Its my first time visiting you blog and I am very impressed. I love your article and can’t wait to read more.
Whilst I might look 19 hmm hmm…I have been in a relationship for 13 years, we have had our ups and downs and only over the last 2 years have we become super close.
This in part has come down to having a shared vision (better late than never lol)….this is definitely something to work on in any relationship.
Thanks for sharing your knowledge.
Beth
Beth Hewitt | May 17, 2010 | Reply
Beth,
So nice to hear from you. Thirteen years is a long time (at least here in Los Angeles!), so I congratulate you! What I like to do is share some knowledge that can help people build deeper relationships and save a few of the ups and downs, if possible. Sounds like YOU are doing great!
Take care,
Adam
drsheck | May 17, 2010 | Reply
Hi Adam,
I really enjoyed this post. I agree, having a shared vision in our relationships is very important. You did a great job outlining the steps for accomplishing this. I look forward to reading more of your content.
Thanks,
Krista
Krista Abbott | May 19, 2010 | Reply
Krista,
Thanks so much, I appreciate your positive feedback and I hope to create more posts that are helpful to you and others.
Adam
drsheck | May 19, 2010 | Reply
Hi Adam,
You and I haven’t been together very long but yet we definitely see the same vision for relationships.
My husband and I, on the other hand, have been married for nearly 30 years and we have never had the same dreams BUT we’ve been able to create one vision in our relationship. We decided to write a one page declaration of what we would like our relationship to look like and now share it with the world:
11 DECLARATIONS OF CONNECTING
1.I honor you by honoring myself and others with loving attitudes.
2.I value your opinions even when the oppose mine.
3.I continue to seek ways to grown emotionally and spiritually to better our relationship and my own health.
4.I am forgiving and don’t keep a running score of wrong doings.
5.I plan at least one fun event each month and smaller ones during the week.
6.I exercise to aid in a healthy mind and physical body.
7.I find ways to communicate with you even when I don’t feel like it.
8.I find ways to feel inspired and grateful every single day.
9.I share parental responsibilities even if we’re just babysitting unless you insist you don’t need my help.
10.I will focus my mind on making my spouse’s life easier every day and ask what I can do for them.
11.I give you the freedom and support you need to grow or enhance your personal or business opportunities.
Sorry to make this comment long, but I think it gives a good example to what you’ve said already. Thank you for sharing your heart with the world Dr.
Kellie Frazier dot com
Kellie Frazier | May 20, 2010 | Reply
Kellie,
I LOVE your the “Declaration” that you have created with your husband and am so proud and pleased that you have chosen to share it here. My only feedback would be to change the “I” statements to “We” statements to affirm the shared nature of your declaration, i.e., “We give each other the freedom and support we each need to grow or enhance our …”
Thanks so much,
Adam
drsheck | May 20, 2010 | Reply
Hi Adam!
I can certainly attest to the idea that failing to create a joint vision can create massive problems. My story does not have a happy ending for my marriage, but it will hopefully have a happy ending for my life. Our visions were too different to merge, even after 33 years.
Now that I know, I am able to move forward and live my vision, which had not been possible before. I hope that someday there will be someone with whom I can merge visions, but for right now, merging visions with three teens is enough! LOL!
Thank you for addressing these critical topics!
Mentor Mama
Nancy Burke Barr | May 20, 2010 | Reply
Thank you so much for your honesty and vulnerability. I have no doubt that with the clarity you now have you will be able to have “merge” when the timing is right. And I feel you, I have ONE teenager and that is plenty for me to handle!
Take care,
Adam
drsheck | May 20, 2010 | Reply
You are so right! Thanks for the tip!
Kellie Frazier | May 20, 2010 | Reply
Hi Adam
Love the name of your blog… Passion 101.. great!
I have spent a lot of time working on ‘contrast’.. LOL By that i mean that i have been out of a relationship for some long time but during that time I have not only been observing what I DO want through eliminating what I DON’T, but because of those experiences, it has given me no mean skill in relationship and sexuality coaching.
I’m always delighted to happen across new people like you who I have not met yet who are inspiring and educating people to put more energy into their significant relationships as I have observed as you did too that people spend more time deciding where they are going to go on holiday or which car they want to buy than whether their values and beliefs are aligned!!
I love what you said here : “Too many couples spend more time planning their wedding than planning their marriage!”… I love it so much I’m going to quote you on Facebook!
Great stuff! Thanks
Sandhan | May 21, 2010 | Reply
Sandhan,
Thanks so much for your comment and acknowledgment. I agree, it’s great to find a kindred spirit in the community with similar perspectives. And thanks for quoting me on Facebook. You are welcome to share any of my links, quotes or posts on FB, twitter or anyplace else.
Thanks again,
Adam
drsheck | May 21, 2010 | Reply
Adam,
It’s interesting that to share a vision together you need to have an open discussion as a couple. We’re guessing as we begin our 30 years on our journey together that our shared vision has come as part of our open communication.
And there is no “I” in marriage (yea we know the letter is), but marriage is about we and us.
Thanks,
~ Pat & Lorna
http://TheCoolestCouple.com
Pat & Lorna Shanks | May 21, 2010 | Reply
Pat & Lorna,
Congratulations on 30 years together, what do you think the “secret” is for you? I’d love to know, so that I can share it with others. Might make a good survey for a blog post. Hmmmm. And yes, I really emphasize the “we” in the vision, as it is shared and it is about building partnership.
Thanks so much,
Adam
drsheck | May 21, 2010 | Reply
Thanks Adam. My wife and I will be married for 30 years this July and I really do believe it’s longevity rests on the caring nature of how we feel towards one another, share each others dreams, know what the other one wants or needs and knowing when to say I’m sorry. Not to mention saying “I love You” often each day and knowing that this small statement is from the heart each time. When I walk out that door, i never know if we will see each other again and it’s a small flash of terror in my mind, so before I close the door on the way out, I ask myself,…’Did I tell her I love her, did I kiss her goodbye?” Thanks for your post!
Bill Cowan | May 21, 2010 | Reply
With shared vision, I find that my wife and I can move in the same direction with so much more ease. Before, I would find that if only I would pursue something, it would take significantly longer and with more obstacles.. even if the desire was wholesome and would benefit both of us. It makes sense, but so few times do couples actually purpose to connect their visions together.
Thanks, Adam!
Paul Klaszus | May 21, 2010 | Reply
Bill,
Congratulations on your upcoming 30 year anniversary! I can’t believe that makes two comments this week from 30 year couples. I really do want feedback from you on your “secrets” to success! I love that you don’t take each other for granted and really share your feelings in the moment, as truly, we never know what will happen next.
Thanks so much,
Adam
drsheck | May 22, 2010 | Reply
Paul,
I appreciate your feedback. It’s really in the bringing of consciousness and awareness to our interactions and creating an “on purpose” relationship that we open up the possibilities for greater depth and sharing of love. And to me, love is the ultimate “shared vision.”
Thanks,
Adam
drsheck | May 22, 2010 | Reply
Hi Adam,
I love your site. I have so much to read and learn on it. I’ve been married for 20 years now and well ….it’s just existing. Can’t say much about it. I look forward to visiting you many times.. thank you for all that you do.
lesly | Jun 11, 2010 | Reply
Lesly,
I’m so glad that you’re enjoying my posts and hopefully learning something that can make your life better. My goal is to help couples bring back the passion into their lives and get beyond just existing. I’m putting together a teleseries now about that, will keep you posted.
Adam
drsheck | Jun 11, 2010 | Reply
Hi Adam..
I will look forward to listening to that one…
thanks you
lesly | Jun 12, 2010 | Reply
This is such a good point. We create visions for our businesses but not usually for our relationships. Very good point.
Nicole Rushin | Sep 27, 2010 | Reply
Nicole,
Thanks so much for commenting. I agree, we need to keep that balance between our business and personal lives, otherwise, what IS the point?
Take care,
Adam
drsheck | Sep 28, 2010 | Reply
very good
k | Dec 22, 2010 | Reply
Glad you enjoyed it.
Adam
drsheck | Dec 22, 2010 | Reply
Hi Adam,
A great post here.
This is common mistake made by couples (including myself at some point) where we have our own individual vision of commitment, love, romance etc and we feel that because we are in a relationship together, we most likely presume that we share the vision in common.
A big mistake in my view.
Then you make another excellent point, which is the unresolved unconscious issues that each of us may have…this is what I call the silent killer.
Excellent work
Marvin | Feb 8, 2011 | Reply
Marvin,
Glad you enjoyed the post and that it made sense to you. Its’ coming together with common dreams that propels us forward in relationship.
Take care,
Adam
drsheck | Feb 8, 2011 | Reply
Dr. Adam,
Great article! My husband and I are coexisting these days. We’re having a hard time finding our way back after losing our dream home, all our savings and filing bankruptcy in the past 4 years. My husband is very depressed but doesn’t want to deal with it. Sometimes I’m afraid to talk, thinking we won’t be able to find our way back to each other. I will try your suggestions. Thank you for sharing your expertise.
God Bless,
Trish Kirby
Trish Kirby | Feb 24, 2011 | Reply