Ever Wonder, “Why Are They Together?”
By drsheck on May 30, 2010 in Articles, Relationship
Ever wonder why some couples that appear to be totally mismatched are together? The beautiful woman and the homely man? The genius scientist and the Plain Jane? The controlling shrew and the mild-mannered husband? The successful movie star and her low-profile boyfriend? Or perhaps, others have wondered why you and your partner are together?
What I’m here to say, is that if you’re in a long-term relationship with your partner, than regardless of external appearances, you are at the same level of emotional maturity and availability! One technical term for this would be “matched differentiation.”
I tell the couples that I work with that “water seeks its own level.” What this means is that we are drawn to someone who is at the same level of emotional maturity. Regardless of what it appears to be on the surface or to others, and regardless of what our egos believe, we are equals.
Differentiation is a psychological term that addresses how a person separates their intellectual and emotional functioning from dependency upon the people around them. Someone with high differentiation is able to make their own decisions that are true to themselves without being unduly swayed by the responses and reactions of others. They recognize that we need others yet we don’t have to depend upon the acceptance and approval of others.
So the concept of matched differentiation states that we are drawn to others who are at similar states of differentiation. If this were not true, why would we really be with our partner or they with us? We may be attracted to someone who is not close to our level of differentiation, but most of the time, this connection will not lead to a long-lasting, committed relationship.
This is consistent with my previous article about the maximizer and minimizer concepts. Generally in relationships, one partner is the maximizer, who externalizes their energy, is usually more outgoing, more sociable, and more aggressive. The other partner is usually the minimizer, who internalizes their energy and is more inwardly directed, more reserved, more introverted.
The maximizer and the minimizer, while presenting in two different ways externally, are still emotionally at the same level of maturity. They are at the same matched differentiation. That’s why they are together and that’s why they have so much to learn from each other! Does this make sense to you?
I would love to hear your stories about this concept of “water seeking its own level” and matched differentiation. Please email me or comment below what your thoughts and experiences of this are. And please, click below to share this article with those that you feel would benefit from it.
Thanks so much,
Poly-Friendly Professionals 
I am a big fan of seeking to be a differentiated person but I had never heard of match differentiation before. I will have to give this some more thought! Very interesting post!
Kevin M. | May 31, 2010 | Reply
Kevin,
I’m so glad that this post on matched differentiation has got you thinking! I’d love to hear your thoughts as they germinate.
Thanks,
Adam
drsheck | May 31, 2010 | Reply
What happens when one persons water rises and the others doesn’t?
Nicole Rushin | Jun 1, 2010 | Reply
Nicole,
That’s a great question. Usually, when one person does personal growth work and the other partner doesn’t, they grow apart and the relationship doesn’t have much of a basis for continuing connection. That’s been my experience as well when one partner chooses to enter personal psychotherapy and the other doesn’t.
Thanks so much for your comment,
Adam
drsheck | Jun 1, 2010 | Reply
Excellent post Adam, very interesting. I’ve always wondered that. An average looking guy getting the beautiful woman and vice versa, but it’s definitely to do with personality and what works.
Opposites attract… it also gives people more things to talk about and learn from each other.
My wife and I are fairly similar so I’m not sure if this principle is working in our relationships, but it may be at a deeper level? Who knows…
Thanks again,
Gavin
Gavin Mountford | Jun 2, 2010 | Reply
Gavin,
Thanks so much for your comment, I’m glad it got you thinking a bit
Adam
drsheck | Jun 2, 2010 | Reply
Hi Dr Adam
1st thing;s 1st LOL
Thanks for your Great comment on My Blog.
Well I must agree with you , Like energy attract like energy.As they also say like minded people love like minded people.
You can talk for hour with a person that is on the same level as you are men or woman and what you are talking about it Men and woman.But if you are not 5 min feel like 12 hours.
Your personality can differ hear and there but if you are consistently on the same level you will stay together longer together than people that fall in love for only what they see and what they can get , and when the sip the can empty the get rid of the empty can. I know you see the picture.
Yes I can go on and on but yes I agree what you say and it make sens. You can also compare it with Radio waves if you looking for one specific station you will skip all of them just to get the one you are looking for the same with Relationships.
Regards
Theuns
Theuns | Jun 2, 2010 | Reply
Adam,
Your posts give me food for thought. There are so many variables in personalities and circumstances, yet the validity of your definitions is there also. What an interesting opportunity you have to work with so many different levels of human development.
Thanks for another great post,
Val
Val Wilcox | Jun 2, 2010 | Reply
I’ve done a lot of personal growth and reading, and I haven’t heard such an intriguing way of explaining relationships! Years ago I started to work on growing up when I was hit with postpartum depression after my kids. Fortunately for me, my husband was willing to grow and change as well, even though he didn’t go into counseling per say, nor did he read or take as many courses. So it is possible for one person to do more active work, and still see major change in the relationship. It’s probably faster if both do the work though!
I owe my happy marriage now in large part to me getting the idea that I needed to change me, and that I was a full 50% of the problem. Your matched differentiation concept could lead to individuals getting that they need to grow and change, not just get a new partner. Still I suspect that many will resist the concept, because their ego won’t let them believe that they are no more mature than their partner!
Great post Adam. Thanks for writing it.
Jacqueline Green | Jun 2, 2010 | Reply
Val,
I’m so glad that my post has given you something to think about, thanks for letting me know. I am definitely fortunate that I get to work with so many interesting people and get to learn so much about relationships and personality.
Adam
drsheck | Jun 2, 2010 | Reply
Jacqueline,
So glad I’ve been able to share with you a different way of looking at relationships. Congratulations on your happy marriage, I’m sure you’ve done the work to earn that result. And yes, while knowledge IS power, most of us are quite reluctant or resistant to applying it, even when it will make us happy. We (or our egos) don’t tolerate short-term change very well, even when it results in long-term benefits.
Thanks so much,
Adam
drsheck | Jun 2, 2010 | Reply
Adam,
Pat and I are so alike in some ways and so different in others. Quite often we laugh and admit that it’s the opposites in us that makes our lives so much fun and interesting.
Cool insight on this subject…
Thanks,
~ Pat and Lorna
http://TheCoolestCouple.com
Pat and Lorna Shanks | Jun 3, 2010 | Reply
Theuns,
Thanks so much for your thoughtful post. I really love your additional analogies and I might use them one day
Adam
drsheck | Jun 4, 2010 | Reply
P&L,
Glad you liked the post. I agree, you really HAVE to laugh as a couple about what brings us into the relationship sometimes.
Take care,
Adam
drsheck | Jun 4, 2010 | Reply
I so agree with this post.Never thought about it before.My husband is quiet and reserved and I am talkative and very outgoing.This makes such good sense.
Thanks
Beverly Monical | Jun 4, 2010 | Reply
Beverly,
So glad my post makes sense to you. Feel free to share it with anyone else you think it might help.
Thanks,
Adam
drsheck | Jun 4, 2010 | Reply
Adam, enjoyable post ~ I can definitely relate to your point as I’m currently single by choice. I have not yet found a match who is what I consider to be, as you stated, of the same level of emotional maturity and availability, or what I call “my equal”. Thanks for sharing.
Christine
Christine Casey | Jun 4, 2010 | Reply
Christine,
I appreciate your choice to not settle and wish you the best in attracting your “equal”.
Thanks so much,
Adam
drsheck | Jun 4, 2010 | Reply
Adam…great post. I have not heard the term “matched differentiation” before but it makes a great deal of sense. When someone is able to touch us about the same place that we are…there is a great deal of connection that takes place. I have seen more often than not that spouses get on different tracks of “personal growth” and they very much do grow apart. Their levels of connection change and that connection, although perhaps still there, does not take place at that “sweet spot” any longer.
I trust that if we give it enough time the Lord brings that around though. I think we sometimes need patience with our partners and give them the freedom to grow like we have.
Any thoughts on this?
Thanks so much for a great post!
Bruce Backman | Jun 5, 2010 | Reply
Bruce,
I’m so glad my post made sense to you and you could relate. Regarding “give it enough time” I think that time spent by couples working on the relationship is a really good thing. Time spent just “waiting” for something to change by itself, on the other hand, is not so useful. Patience is definitely a virtue, yet patience with a plan for improvement has a much better chance of success.
Thanks again,
Adam
drsheck | Jun 5, 2010 | Reply
You’ve touched on a very interesting topic, one that I often times find myself thinking about even in my own relationship. It’s always intriguing to find out what exactly is the “hook” that keep two individual together. Initially, it’s probably the curiosity and thrill of the “new”, but when that feeling subsides what’s the thing(s) that keep us together? You’ve really shined some light on this subject and provided me with some good food for thought. Thanks!
Dewane Mutunga | Jun 6, 2010 | Reply
Dewane,
Glad you’ve gotten a little “food for thought” from this post. All I want to do is help people become a little more aware so that they can choose the life and the relationship that they want.
Thanks,
Adam
drsheck | Jun 6, 2010 | Reply
I read somewhere you find someone to balance your neuroses. They are strong where you are weak.
It also can lead to a lot of stress in the relationship. In the beginning we want to be rescued by the other person.
And when we realize they can’t rescue us(it’s not their job), their differences become magnified.
The truth is, on we can rescue ourselves, though it’s nice to have a partner’s support while we are growing.
Debbie Lattuga | Jun 9, 2010 | Reply
Debbie,
I do agree that we are drawn to those who complement us in some way. I’ve written more about this in previous blog posts and videos about how we come together as couples as well as the maximizer/minimizer dynamic. A definition I heard of enlightenment once was the recognition that no one was going to save us. I agree, it is really wonderful to have the support of our partner and our loved ones to help us get through.
Take care,
Adam
drsheck | Jun 9, 2010 | Reply
Yorinda,
Working on yourself, enjoying life and “not looking” is the best way to live life, I think. And then we might always be pleasantly surprised when something or someone possibly shows up!
Wish you the best,
Adam
drsheck | Jul 23, 2010 | Reply
Hi Adam,
“water seeking it’s own level” yes, in retrospect I can see that that happened in my relationships.
That is one of the reasons why I choose to not be in one at this time in my life and establish a relationship with myself and ‘mature’ more.
For the first time I am enjoying being single and not looking.
Thanks for your great post.
Love and Light
from
Yorinda
Yorinda | Jul 23, 2010 | Reply