3 P’s of Relationship Dynamics: Pick, Provoke & Project
By drsheck on Jun 12, 2010 in Articles, Communication, Relationship
I’ve posted a number of articles and videos on the psychology of how we come together to form relationships and the stages of relationship: the honeymoon stage, the power struggle stage and the conscious relationship stage. Now I’d like to go a little deeper into the psychological processes that occur in these stages.
Let me remind you first about what is called the “Imago Match” which is a key concept of Imago Relationship Therapy, which I’m certified in. Imago is Latin for “image” and it means the internal, psychological representation of that idealized partner we have stored deep in our unconscious.
The Imago embodies all of the positive AND negative qualities of our primary childhood caregivers. Usually these are qualities of our parents, yet they could also include other caregivers, extended family, teachers, friends, television and movie figures, etc.
So, we have this Imago in our psyche and when we meet someone who is potential partner material, we begin to do an unconscious search to assess how good a match to these qualities. We then begin to engage in three separate, although sometimes simultaneous processes.
These three partner selection processes are the “3 P’s of Relationship Dynamics” and are:
1. Pick
2. Provoke
3. Project
Let’s look at them first in the context of the honeymoon stage of relationship. In this stage, we are flooded with the “love hormones” such as PEA and oxytocin which are like speed and heroin respectively. Consequently, what we see in our potential partner are all of the good, positive qualities of our primary caregivers. We’re feeling so good, so euphoric that we ignore or minimize the negative qualities.
We “picked” this partner because we recognized that they had enough of these positive qualities to begin this potential dance of intimacy. At the same time, we will also be on our best behavior and “provoke” or inspire them to treat us in the best way that they are capable of treating us. It’s kind of like when a politician is running for office and presents their best face and makes all of the right campaign promises. Sound familiar?
And, we will also tend to “project” these positive qualities upon them as well, whether they truly have them or not. We will see the in them in the best possible light, give them the benefit of the doubt and possibly even stretch the facts a little bit to squeeze them into the mold that we are looking for.
Now, the honeymoon phase generally lasts only so long, as the “love drugs” circulating through our system have a finite lifespan and we build a tolerance to them. We now enter the power struggle phase of relationship. In this phase, we quite clearly see the negative qualities of our primary caregivers in our potential partner – loud and clear!
And, our wise unconscious has “picked” someone that has those qualities, even though we didn’t see them at first or we ignored them. It continues to amaze me how incredibly astute our unconscious “radar” is at finding a person with these traits. Has this happened to you?
And if they don’t express enough of these negative traits, we will “provoke” them into expressing them. Yes, incredible as it sounds, we will unconsciously manipulate them into treating us poorly. And if they are unable or “unwilling” to do so, or they’ve done too much personal growth work and don’t fall for our setups, we will “project” these negative traits onto them! Have you ever thought to yourself, “You sound just like my mother!” or “That’s something my father would do!”
These are the “tools” our unconscious uses in the first two stages of relationship: pick, provoke and project. And it’s not a bad thing or a negative thing. My belief (and the belief of the Imago theory) is that we come together in relationship to heal those wounds of childhood, to heal ourselves and our partners, and to become whole. So this process needs to happen. It ultimately is a very good thing.
What many couples require however, is the support of a good couples counselor to help them navigate through the power struggle phase into the conscious relationship phase. It is here that we become more aware of the 3 P’s and begin to own our projections and manipulations. It is here that we begin to see who our partner really is and begin to see who WE really are. It is here that we can have a rich, deep, even more passionate relationship. That is my goal as a couples therapist.
What are YOUR thoughts about the 3 P’s? Have you had a similar experience? I would LOVE to hear from you.
Thank you so much,
Dr. Adam Sheck
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Poly-Friendly Professionals 
Well, said Adam. It is usually make or break time for most people when they see their parents or their old abusers standing in their house. How do we learn to see the good in this? Can we? Especially if one is the victim of abuse. It is good to have a good guide to see you through this phase. Thanks for the valuable content. It does not have to be the end of the relationship but just another phase of learning. How many people are willing to work through this?
Nicole Rushin | Jun 13, 2010 | Reply
Nicole,
Thanks so much for your comment. There is no doubt that the process of relationship and healing from the past is challenging. And the more traumatic the past, the more challenging it is AND the more crucial it is to do the work. It takes a lot of courage and a lot of support, yet it CAN be done. It’s part of my passion, to help people in this way.
Take care,
Adam
drsheck | Jun 13, 2010 | Reply
Adam, You have certainly provided a clear picture and thought provoking assessment of the early stages of relationships. Of course some people remain in these early stages indefinitely, sometimes living together with a partner in a sort of war zone continually.
To respond to Nicole, often people who have been abused find they are more comfortable with a person who can be abusive. When they connect with a loving person, they may actually view that person as weak or inadequate or a pushover.
On the other hand, they may push the loving person into becoming angry and witholding – and then project those qualities onto that person.
Without some serious work on these issues, they may create lose-lose situations in relationships.
Dr. Erica Goodstone | Jun 13, 2010 | Reply
Thanks for you feedback, Erica, as usual you have clarified important points.
Adam
drsheck | Jun 13, 2010 | Reply
Hi Dr Adam
Thanks for your Blog comment on my blog.
I love to read your blog and i learn a lot thanks .
Theuns
Theuns | Jun 13, 2010 | Reply
Theuns,
You are so welcome. Glad that you’re learning from my blog and that it is of benefit to you and others.
Adam
drsheck | Jun 13, 2010 | Reply
Outstanding post topic Adam! It is so amazing to see how these details in a new relationship unfold ~ just never realized there is an actual description for it until reading your post
I believe it is human nature for us to sometimes pick the wrong people and try to make it work, fit them into our mold of the perfect companion vs. just knowing that they are not the right person for us. I appreciate you sharing! Christine
Christine Casey | Jun 14, 2010 | Reply
Christine,
Glad I can help clarify it for you. It’s not that they are the “wrong” people as much as we confuse the lesson we are having with them for something more than it is. It all helps us to grow and heal and be more loving, yet only if we can stay awake and aware during the process. Definitely not easy.
Thanks so much for your comments,
Adam
drsheck | Jun 14, 2010 | Reply
Very well written post, Adam! I have definitely had the experience of trying to fit someone in to a mold I’d created….never a good result!
I’d love to know what phase you think most people enter marriage in, and if there is any moving back and forth between stages? For example, I would say that the reason my husband and I got married, is because we were able to move from honeymoon to power struggle and finally to the conscious relationship stage….at which point we knew marriage was the right path for us. And then when we became parents, we found ourselves once again back in the power struggle phase until we grasped the balance of conscious parenting.
I definitely agree that relationships, when participated in consciously, are designed to heal our past and make us whole….the struggle I see for most is getting to that conscious place of relating.
Thanks for sharing your wisdom, I’m happy to have found my way to your blog!
Beth Allen | Jun 14, 2010 | Reply
Beth,
I don’t know that there’s a lot of research on this, but I think a large percentage of couples marry when still in the honeymoon stage (why commit to a “permanent” power struggle?). I would agree with you, that as we enter the different “phases” of relationship and family, we may repeat the dynamics, i.e., the “honeymoon” of pregnancy, then the power struggle of it, etc. Glad you’re enjoying my posts, as I am yours.
Take care,
Adam
drsheck | Jun 14, 2010 | Reply
Thanks for explaining this Adam,
You have defined these stages so well. Never really thought about this before, yet it makes sense. I agree that anyone with issues should resolve those personal issues first before moving forward in a relationship. Very interesting information. I enjoy every post you publish.
Thanks so much,
Val
Val Wilcox | Jun 14, 2010 | Reply
Val,
Thanks for your kind words. So glad that what I’m posting about is making sense to you. Hopefully others are benefiting as well.
Adam
drsheck | Jun 14, 2010 | Reply
It’s all about you not the other person. You have to resolve your issues first.
Michael
Michael Berry | Jun 14, 2010 | Reply
Michael,
I totally agree with you. Like they say, it’s an inside job. Hope the post was helpful.
Thanks,
Adam
drsheck | Jun 14, 2010 | Reply
Clearly Adam most of this stuff is way over my head. I am however picking up some pointers and I thank you for that. When you reach my age if your relationship-marriage is solid, consider yourself having dodged the bullet. I am so fortunate to by with the love of my life and healthy to enjoy her. Thanks for sharing your expertise with us.
Nelson | Jun 15, 2010 | Reply
Nelson,
You are being quite humble, I doubt anything I’m writing is over your head. Congratulations on being with the love of your life though, THAT is what is important. What’s your secret?
Thanks so much for sharing,
Adam
drsheck | Jun 15, 2010 | Reply
“My belief (and the belief of the Imago theory) is that we come together in relationship to heal those wounds of childhood, to heal ourselves and our partners, and to become whole.”
Good point! It is definitely through relationships that this healing can take place.
Kevin M. | Jun 15, 2010 | Reply
Hi Adam,
While I didn’t have the terms for it, my late husband and I definitely went through those stages. Being very stubborn and strong-willed, it took a very long time to navigate through the provoke stage. We probably could have used some help, but were too stubborn to ask for it.
Very interesting topic. Thanks for sharing.
Debbie Stevens | Jun 15, 2010 | Reply
Kevin,
So glad that my thoughts make sense to you. Hopefully others you know can benefit as well.
Thanks,
Adam
drsheck | Jun 15, 2010 | Reply
Debbie,
Thanks so much for your comments and thoughts (and for sharing this with others!). We all are pretty stubborn and we all need a little support now and then, it’s just remembering it. And having people who care offer it in a way that we can accept it.
Take care,
Adam
drsheck | Jun 15, 2010 | Reply
Thank you Adam for a great post. Yes it makes sense, I have heard other articles along the same lines. It’s funny how we are wired and do things. I remember going through those stages but not even thinking about them at the time until the last 10 years where I have been learning a lot of how we are wired and how to work together and learn more. We are having lots of fun. I look forward to you next post.
Julie Elliott | Jun 15, 2010 | Reply
Julie,
Glad you got something from the post. I know what you mean, we go through the stages whether we are aware of it or not. Yet bringing consciousness to it makes the ride a lot less bumpy.
Thanks so much,
Adam
drsheck | Jun 15, 2010 | Reply
Hi Adam,
I’ve definitely fallen for this before and I’ve gotten into a relationship blindly just looking at the positives and ignoring the negatives.
As you can imagine, the relationship didn’t turn out well and we split up.
I’m now married to a wonderful lady, Pippa. We both get on very well, and compliment each other perfectly which is great.
I’m very happy
Thanks again,
Gavin
Gavin Mountford | Jun 17, 2010 | Reply
Gavin,
So glad you can relate to this post. And even happier that you found Pippa and they dynamics are working out so well between you.
Take care,
Adam
drsheck | Jun 17, 2010 | Reply
Ouch. In the past year I have become aware of partner behavior that reminds me of both my parents – neglect, and made me upset. I was amazed that I became aware of it and it changed everything. I was able to let go of it. I appreciate my partner, but I don’t feel like I married him, but my parents instead unknowingly! It was healing on some level when I recognized this. Very interesting the Imago concept.Thank you Adam!
Lesly | Jun 17, 2010 | Reply
Lesly,
Awareness if the first step in creating change. I have no doubt that you can re-create and re-design your relationship if you are both committed to doing so. I’m creating a “preview call” right now to introduce a four-week teleseries on this.
Thanks so much,
Adam
drsheck | Jun 17, 2010 | Reply
I like the simple concept of the three P’s. I look forward to the follow up article that this post alludes to, one on how to become more conscious in our relationships.
Thanks Adam as always for the thought-provoking post!
Jacqueline Green | Jun 18, 2010 | Reply
I’ve learned that what I say and what I do with my wife in our relationship has consequences. Sometimes unexpected ones. But most the time I can see how she reacts all because of what I said or did. Sometimes I learn from my mistakes, other times I do the same stupid stuff all over again. dang why do I do that?
Bill Cowan | Jun 18, 2010 | Reply
Jacqueline,
Thanks so much for your validation. Guess I’m going to have to get to work on Part 2!
Adam
drsheck | Jun 18, 2010 | Reply
Bill,
Don’t be so hard on yourself, you/we are only human. The process of connecting and being loving is never ending. Growing in relationship is never ending. We are always learning, usually from making mistakes we don’t wish to repeat. Actually sounds like you’re doing great.
Thanks,
Adam
drsheck | Jun 18, 2010 | Reply
Adam,
Pat and I have been fortunate enough to reach the conscious relationship stage. A relationship is not always sunshine and lollipops… actually, it is if that is the way we choose to look at it… and that is exactly how Pat and I do choose to look at it.
Thanks,
~ Pat and Lorna
http://TheCoolestCouple.coma
Pat and Lorna Shanks | Jun 19, 2010 | Reply
That’s what makes you such a cool couple, being conscious! Triple “C” actually! The conscious, cool couple!
Take care,
Adam
drsheck | Jun 20, 2010 | Reply
SO TRUE, SO TRUE, SO TRUE!!!! I believe all couples experience the 3 P’s in some form or fashion, myself included. Difference with myself, I always try to grow and better myself. Something relationships can throw you for a loop and get stressed out. The idea is to grow together. Great Post!
Dewane Mutunga | Jun 23, 2010 | Reply
Dewane,
Thanks for your thoughts and agreement. Congratulations on having such a strong intention to grow and learn.
Adam
drsheck | Jun 23, 2010 | Reply
Hi Adam,
I love your description of the 3 P’s. I’ve definitely seen these phases in my relationships. I can see that the relationships that I picked were to help me heal from my childhood abuses.
What struck me as I read this, was that my ex’s were also trying to provoke their own negative caregiver traits in me. I never realized at the time that that is what they were doing. Fascinating
Thanks for sharing this.
–Lori
Lori Tisot | Jul 9, 2010 | Reply
Lori,
Yes, there is definitely a shared “mutuality” in relationships. So glad that you got some insight from my post. If you learned from this, you will LOVE my Preview Call on July 14!
Thanks so much,
Adam
drsheck | Jul 9, 2010 | Reply
Wow, I was just introduced to this concept by a counselor….only wish I had sought help 6 yrs ago when things started going bad. I am an abuse victim and am so shocked by my failure to see the what has been happening for the last 6 years. I am suffering right now and hoping to be able to save a 15 yr marriage but am extremely fearful it may be too late. I will share this with all my friends and thank you so much for this insight! I am trusting God to guide us toward healing!
Christen | Jul 26, 2010 | Reply
Christen,
Please don’t be so hard on yourself! You can only work with what you’re aware of and now that you ARE, a lot more possibilities open up.
I wish you the best,
Adam
drsheck | Jul 26, 2010 | Reply