Can’t Buy Me Love: How Do Finances Affect Your Relationship?
By drsheck on Jun 20, 2010 in Communication, Relationship
As a couples counselor for the past twenty years, I can safely say that the “Big Three” issues that couples see me about are: Money, Sex and Communication.
It’s doubtful that any of you are surprised about this. PayPal conducted their “Can’t Buy Me Love” international survey about the role of money in relationships and the results are pretty interesting.
The survey was conducted focusing around love and money in Australia, Canada, Italy, Mexico, the Netherlands, the United Kingdom and the United States. What was most surprising to me, is that the issue of money seems to be the biggest one for couples across all nations. Perhaps this is because of the challenging economic times we are facing right now.
At least 10 percent of couples surveyed say they have ended a relationship due at least in part to financial issues. The United States and Mexico ranked the highest at 14 percent stating this.
Other interesting results included:
- • Around the world, well over half of all couples are keeping separate bank accounts.
- • American couples typically bring the largest levels of debt into relationships (51 percent) while most couples in Italy and the Netherlands say they have no debt.
- • Money is the number one cause of arguments among U.S. couples (31 percent) followed by household chores (28 percent), in-laws (22 percent) and sex (15 percent).
You can read the original PayPal Survey results by clicking here.
So tell me YOUR experiences of money and love. How have you been challenged? How have you navigated the challenge? How can I help YOU and other couples in this area? Would you like me to write more about this? I NEED your input. Help ME to help YOU!
Thanks so much,
Dr. Adam Sheck
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Poly-Friendly Professionals 
My personal expirience tells me that in relationship is very important transparency in financial matters. Both me and my wife we have sepparate bank accounts, but in the same time we have full overview of each others financial situation as we have both access to each others bank accounts.
The other thing thing what we all in our family have is our “pocket money”. Money that everyone can spend like they want. It is something that i have learned from T Harv Eker’s seminars and this have made a big difference in my marriage.
We both have totally different mentality towards the money. The fact is that we need to be wise if it comes to managing our money, but fact is as well that we need our space if it comes to making desicions how to spend that money. So after applying the personal money principle the tention around that subject kinda shifted away.
But this is my expirience. Probably it will not suite to everyone.
Paul | Jun 20, 2010 | Reply
Paul,
I think your experience makes a lot of sense and obviously is working for you. The idea of transparency and the necessary communication is really important. And “pocket money” is another great concept. Using the “Imago” model, it would make sense that our partners would have a different mentality about money than we, as you suggest is true with your wife. This gives us the chance to “stretch” and learn new perspectives that can complement our existing beliefs.
Thanks so much,
Adam
drsheck | Jun 20, 2010 | Reply
I know you know you hit the nail on the head with this post! great stuff here! We’ve been in and out of debt three times in our marriage and thankfully have been out of debt for 20 years or so. Why do I want to even go there and let it be a thorn in our relationship, so we’ve chosen to do things right financially so that we can focus on our togetherness.
Bill Cowan | Jun 20, 2010 | Reply
Bill,
Congratulations on living a Conscious Marriage! We become conscious by learning from our mistakes and for you, three times was the charm! I really appreciate your feedback.
Thanks,
Adam
drsheck | Jun 20, 2010 | Reply
the two are ultimately interlinked how can you have a good relationship if you are worried about paying your mortgage
John Richmond | Jun 21, 2010 | Reply
Adam,
You again have opened a subject that is vital in relationships. I’ve had struggles in past relationships with this issue, so yes, it can be a tipping factor in an already unstable relationship.
I agree that the key is communication. I think coming from a place of living alone & handling my own finances, I would say that having separate accounts would work well for me looking forward. Each person is different & each has to come to their own mutual agreement.
Val
Val Wilcox | Jun 21, 2010 | Reply
Adam,
I know when i first got married with my wife , we were both young and money was tight with a new born son on the way so at times we argued over finances, how to spend money etc, as the years went on and working together to increase our wealth, our assets, and most important communication into our finances , it got so much easier and when you are not struggling, money issues from what i have seen between us went away..
Chris Bernardo | Jun 21, 2010 | Reply
Money is definitely a HUGE issue in marriage and relationships. For me the best approach to this issue is a proactive one. What I mean by this is talking about this important issue (and others) before getting married.
Of course, not everyone has taken the proactive approach so couples need to get ongoing support from outside source from someone like yourself.
Kevin M. | Jun 21, 2010 | Reply
Chris,
Thanks so much for sharing your experience of finances in your marriage, I appreciate it. Sounds like you two got together as a team and made it happen and that’s what took away the struggle. Congratulations.
Adam
drsheck | Jun 21, 2010 | Reply
John,
I agree with you. When you’re drowning, all you can think about it survival. We have to get on top of that in order to be more open and giving and loving.
Adam
drsheck | Jun 21, 2010 | Reply
Kevin,
I totally agree with you. Premarital (or precommitment) counseling is the way to head off so many problems.
Thanks for sharing,
Adam
drsheck | Jun 21, 2010 | Reply
Val,
Thanks so much for sharing. I think we’ve ALL had struggles in this area and I agree that communication is critical to dealing with problems as well as preventing some before they become problems. This is definitely a subject I will blog more about.
Adam
drsheck | Jun 21, 2010 | Reply
Adam, I think you’re great… every time I come here I am seduced into sharing morsels of my life with you! LOL! How do you do that! Warmly, Lesly
Lesly | Jun 22, 2010 | Reply
Lesly,
I’m so grateful for your sharing of yourself. That’s the kind of community I’m trying to create.
Thanks so much for that and for YOU,
Adam
drsheck | Jun 22, 2010 | Reply
Hi Adam,
Been there, done that, didn’t even get the t-shirt.
So I know that what you have to say is so very valid. I think it would be great if financial literacy could be taught at an early age as it would prevent so many problems throughout our lives.
Debbie Stevens | Jun 22, 2010 | Reply
Debbie,
I feel ya on this! Wish there was a parenting license required before you were allowed to have kids, too! We’ll just have to do the best we can and help each other along the way.
Adam
drsheck | Jun 22, 2010 | Reply
Hi Adam, I know that we all have been in relationships where money has been one of the major factors in arguments, I know mine was, communication has to be key in order for this not to be an issue. Great post.
Lori
Lori Robertson | Jun 22, 2010 | Reply
Lori,
Glad you could relate to the post. I agree, communication is the key.
Adam
drsheck | Jun 23, 2010 | Reply
Hi Adam,
Unfortunately, money is, and probably always will be, a contributing factor of why couples will end their relationship, especially if its mismanaged or lacking ~ financial woes can be extremely stressful!
Christine
Christine Casey | Jun 23, 2010 | Reply
Christine,
I agree, the handling (or mishandling) or money can definitely be stressful in relationships. Communication is the key.
Thanks,
Adam
drsheck | Jun 23, 2010 | Reply
Adam,
I believe that money issues are a constant, and not only important during a recession. I’m single now but when I finally get married I’ll ask for a prenup, as un-romantic as that may sound.
I look forward to reading more of your posts!
–Mario.
Mario Miranda | Jun 23, 2010 | Reply
Great post Adam,
The issue of money does seem to rear its ugly head every now and again. My relationship had had ups and down in this area.
Luckily now, we seem to have found some common ground which suit us both. Like you say communication is the key.
I am going to check out the paypal survey now, I didn’t know it existed.
Beth
Beth Hewitt | Jun 23, 2010 | Reply
ADAM!!!! We can’t talk about this on the internet! Just kidding. This is a stressful topic mostly because one person feels like they are the responsible one carrying all the burden. When situations change from when you got together it sometimes changes the whole dynamic of a relationship. Look out for trouble then. Most people cannot handle that.
Nicole Rushin | Jun 23, 2010 | Reply
Adam,
We’re sure there are many different ways to organize the finances in a home… and we’re sure many ways that work. At the end of it all, we feel it’s about communication and planning.
Thanks,
~ Pat and Lorna
http://TheCoolestCouple.com
Pat and Lorna Shanks | Jun 23, 2010 | Reply
Mario,
Thanks for sharing. If a prenup is what will make you feel safe with your partner and able to open your heart, then that’s what you should do.
Adam
drsheck | Jun 23, 2010 | Reply
Beth,
Thanks so much for sharing. I hope the PayPal survey is informative for you. I’d love to hear your thoughts about it.
Adam
drsheck | Jun 23, 2010 | Reply
Nicole,
It’s definitely a challenge. I think when there is a true PARTNERSHIP and clarity about what that means, then the couple can navigate the financial bumps more easily.
Adam
drsheck | Jun 23, 2010 | Reply
P&L,
I would certainly agree with you, there are many ways to organize finances. You two have been together forever, what solution did you come up with?
Adam
drsheck | Jun 23, 2010 | Reply
Adam, you bring up some very interesting thoughts here. My parents actually got divorced because of financial issues and I think that is foolish. Love is what brought them together and its what should bring them apart, if it ever stopped…
Talk soon,
Matthew Neer
PS. You will want to check out the Disqus comment system plugin, it will allow you to continue the conversation on social media sites like Twitter and Facebook.
Matthew Neer | Jun 24, 2010 | Reply
Matthew,
Thanks for your feedback, sorry about your parents. We all need support in getting through our issues, that’s what my work with couples is. It’s the asking for support and being willing to accept it that is so challenging for most of us. I agree, putting love first is a big part of the solution, that and having tools.
Thanks for sharing,
Adam
drsheck | Jun 24, 2010 | Reply
I came across this site after doing a search looking for help.
I’m in a relationship of 13yrs. We both had very healthy incomes and relatively no debt (therefore we never really discussed finances…..it just didn’t happen….we never even thought about it….it seemed like their was no need…..I would take care of the bills and he would give me half the money each month…we’d go out with friends…..go on regular vacations…..make frequent purchases….etc etc.) until 3yrs ago when we purchased a business together.
We went from 2 healthy incomes to one. He left his job to work at the new business. This left me paying all the bills at home by myself which was fine as it takes a lot to get a business off the ground and even more so since the economy crashed right after we purchased the business. I also take care of the financial paperwork of the business.
This is where problems began. I found myself paying all the bills for the home and then putting more money into the business when it became rocky (eviction notices, backtaxes, unexpected repairs, etc). When I would try to sit and discuss finances he would avoid all conversation flat out saying he didn’t want to discuss it. In the past 3yrs when I’ve insisted that we sit and talk things became EXPLOSIVE on at least 5 occasions.
Another conversation came up last night. He has another person he would like to bring in as a business partner as “he” didn’t want to lose everything with the business being on rocky ground. First of all, it disturbs me when he constantly says “he” and not “us” or “we” and I clearly stated this just like that last night.
I told him “we” BOTH stood a chance at losing everything as “we” BOTH put much into the business. When he gave me a look as if asking how “we” BOTH stand a chance at losing when the small business was his dream not mine I mentioned to him that I put in quite a bit of money into this business over $30K.
Somehow that last comment of me giving him an actual figure made him feel insulted and he told me that he didn’t bring up how much he put into “MY” condo when “I” bought it and that he didn’t keep track of how much “he” put into “my” condo. He then asked me if I knew how much he put in to which I answered yes I did but that he was missing the point. I kept insisting that we have to open the lines of communication when it came to our finances.
THIS WAS THE KEY STATEMENT TO ME THAT HELPED ME UNDERSTAND THE PAST 3 YEARS: he flat out said that he was raised not to talk about finances especially with loved ones…his family never discussed finances….there is no need to discuss finances….you just take care of of your loved ones, you don’t keep track and there is no need to discuss anything.
From this discussion last night I feel that there is no hope. He refuses to budge on communication. In his eyes I am wrong for wanting to discuss finances. I’m selfish for keeping track of how much I’ve put into the business. He only views it as me throwing it in his face.
I told him if we can’t discuss this I would like to get out of the business and put everything in his name (as it is currently in mine and although it is in mine I never viewed the business as “mine”…..I had always thought we were a team).
I’m sorry for the long drawn out explanation but I am looking for advice.
I feel that this relationship can not continue if we can not have open communication about EVERYTHING including finances. You can bring a horse to water but you can’t make him drink. I’m slowly getting myself out of the debt this business has caused for me personally. I’m trying to rebuild my destroyed credit. I would like to hand the business fully over into his name. After all of that is completed, I have the strange sinking feeling that I will somehow have to end the relationship with someone I still love but feel that things will continue as is, me eyes have been opened to a future I don’t want in a relationship. Thankfully no children are involved yet.
Maria | Jul 13, 2011 | Reply