I’m in a relationship of 13yrs. We both had very healthy incomes and relatively no debt (therefore we never really discussed finances…..it just didn’t happen….we never even thought about it….it seemed like their was no need…..I would take care of the bills and he would give me half the money each month…we’d go out with friends…..go on regular vacations…..make frequent purchases….etc etc.) until 3yrs ago when we purchased a business together.

We went from 2 healthy incomes to one. He left his job to work at the new business. This left me paying all the bills at home by myself which was fine as it takes a lot to get a business off the ground and even more so since the economy crashed right after we purchased the business. I also take care of the financial paperwork of the business.

This is where problems began. I found myself paying all the bills for the home and then putting more money into the business when it became rocky (eviction notices, backtaxes, unexpected repairs, etc). When I would try to sit and discuss finances he would avoid all conversation flat out saying he didn’t want to discuss it. In the past 3yrs when I’ve insisted that we sit and talk things became EXPLOSIVE on at least 5 occasions.

Another conversation came up last night. He has another person he would like to bring in as a business partner as “he” didn’t want to lose everything with the business being on rocky ground. First of all, it disturbs me when he constantly says “he” and not “us” or “we” and I clearly stated this just like that last night.

I told him “we” BOTH stood a chance at losing everything as “we” BOTH put much into the business. When he gave me a look as if asking how “we” BOTH stand a chance at losing when the small business was his dream not mine I mentioned to him that I put in quite a bit of money into this business over $30K.

Somehow that last comment of me giving him an actual figure made him feel insulted and he told me that he didn’t bring up how much he put into “MY” condo when “I” bought it and that he didn’t keep track of how much “he” put into “my” condo. He then asked me if I knew how much he put in to which I answered yes I did but that he was missing the point. I kept insisting that we have to open the lines of communication when it came to our finances.

THIS WAS THE KEY STATEMENT TO ME THAT HELPED ME UNDERSTAND THE PAST 3 YEARS: he flat out said that he was raised not to talk about finances especially with loved ones…his family never discussed finances….there is no need to discuss finances….you just take care of of your loved ones, you don’t keep track and there is no need to discuss anything.

From this discussion last night I feel that there is no hope. He refuses to budge on communication. In his eyes I am wrong for wanting to discuss finances. I’m selfish for keeping track of how much I’ve put into the business. He only views it as me throwing it in his face.

I told him if we can’t discuss this I would like to get out of the business and put everything in his name (as it is currently in mine and although it is in mine I never viewed the business as “mine”…..I had always thought we were a team).

I’m sorry for the long drawn out explanation but I am looking for advice.

I feel that this relationship can not continue if we can not have open communication about EVERYTHING including finances. You can bring a horse to water but you can’t make him drink. I’m slowly getting myself out of the debt this business has caused for me personally. I’m trying to rebuild my destroyed credit. I would like to hand the business fully over into his name. After all of that is completed, I have the strange sinking feeling that I will somehow have to end the relationship with someone I still love but feel that things will continue as is, me eyes have been opened to a future I don’t want in a relationship. Thankfully no children are involved yet.

Talk soon,
Matthew Neer

PS. You will want to check out the Disqus comment system plugin, it will allow you to continue the conversation on social media sites like Twitter and Facebook.

We’re sure there are many different ways to organize the finances in a home… and we’re sure many ways that work. At the end of it all, we feel it’s about communication and planning.

Thanks,
~ Pat and Lorna
http://TheCoolestCouple.com

The issue of money does seem to rear its ugly head every now and again. My relationship had had ups and down in this area.

Luckily now, we seem to have found some common ground which suit us both. Like you say communication is the key.

I am going to check out the paypal survey now, I didn’t know it existed.

Beth