Create More Intimacy!
By drsheck on Jun 26, 2010 in Articles, Communication, Relationship, Romance, Sexuality
Do you want to create more intimacy in your life? It’s certainly one of the issues that many of my couples and singles want to work on when they see me for private counseling sessions. The first thing I like to do is to define our terms. When some people talk about having more intimacy, they sometimes mean more emotional intimacy. Some people mean more sexual intimacy when they raise the issue. And some refer to both the emotional and physical aspects of more intimacy.
Let’s begin with the emotional aspects needed to create more intimacy. A long time ago, I heard a clever definition of intimacy by re-languaging it as Into-Me-I See. This defines intimacy first as an inner process of self-discovery and of self-knowledge.
Now let’s apply this lens in the context of an intimate partnership. So in this partnership, we begin to discover new parts of ourselves. Or perhaps we uncover parts that are gradually revealed to us in reaction to our partner and the relationship. And then, we can begin to share these discoveries, these insights with our partner. It can be a very exciting process, this sharing of ourselves.
To me, being in partnership provides the environment, the soil for me to grow, for me to discover parts of myself that I wouldn’t know otherwise. This comes from the safety and the trust that builds over time that allows me to become more open and more vulnerable. With more of me available, I can share more intimacy!
So my partner is the stimulus to me, allowing me to uncover parts of myself that I would never have discovered on my own. Some of these are the so-called good parts; some are what we label the bad parts. If we take away the labels and judgments, they are all parts of myself, parts that need to be revealed and illuminated, so that I can make choices about which parts I want to feed and water and nourish and which parts I want to let hibernate, and go dormant.
And in a loving, accepting partnership, I can allow those parts to come out as they are stimulated and I can share them with myself and my partner. That is true intimacy to me. Discovering parts of myself I didn’t know I had and sharing them with someone.
That is certainly how we can create more intimacy and true growth. This is how I view emotional intimacy.
Sometimes we use the term “intimacy” as a polite way of speaking of sexuality and physical connection with a partner. The sexual act, and sexual connection CAN be an extremely intimate connection. It isn’t necessarily, yet it CAN be. And in the context of a loving partnership, the emotional intimacy can fuel the sexual intimacy. And the sexual intimacy can fuel the emotional intimacy. And they can feed upon each other to create an expansion and growth to the relationship, and MORE intimacy!
You know the old saying that women need love to connect to their sexuality and men need sex to connect to their love? While I avoid generalizations, there is some truth to this statement. Perhaps you have experienced this in some of your relationships.
I’ve spoken before about the two styles of connecting to sexuality: the autogenic, which is more typically masculine, which is more the direct physical connection, and the psychogenic, which is more typically feminine, which is the mental, emotional connection. For some, desire creates arousal. For some, arousal creates desire. Both are true when they are true. Both work. Both are valid.
To bring more sexual intimacy to your relationship, I think it is good to take both routes. Sometimes it is good to surrender to the physical and let the pure arousal take you over. Sometimes it is good to create desire, and build up to that arousal.
Again, sexual intimacy, like emotional intimacy is about discovering new parts of yourself and sharing them with your partner. So stretch and try on new attitudes, new ways of being together sexually.
I’m a believer in what I’ve called “all day foreplay.” Start in the morning by telling your partner how you feel about them, and what you’d like to be doing with them when you come home from work. Perhaps leave them a little note with more of your thoughts. Maybe later, send them a text or even a picture! Sexting (sexy texting) can be a VERY effective form of foreplay. Next, maybe an email or a sexy telephone message. Stretch yourself beyond your comfort zone here, maybe just a little bit.
And when you get home, set the stage even more, whether it’s with the traditional flowers and candy or an erotic gift (or toy) or maybe another card or an original poem. Building the anticipation and tension is always so nice, especially when you know you’ll be relieving that tension later on.
I write more about “all day foreplay” and related ideas in my eBook “101 Ways To Bring Back The Passion!” which is available on this website (Click here). Hopefully this article has given you a good start though. And I hope that it will begin to give you more intimacy!
As always, I welcome your comments and feedback and appreciate you sharing this post with your friends.
Thank you so much,
Dr. Adam Sheck
If you’d really like to create more intimacy, download my Free Special Report, “20 Rituals For Romance!” at www.freepassiontips.com
Poly-Friendly Professionals 
Adam,
Into-Me-I-See. What a great saying. It is true that knowing and accepting who you are will make any relationship richer and fuller. Being able to share from that place of trust builds stronger connections.
I really enjoyed this post. You’ve provided lots of great tips for building intimacy in many ways.
Thanks,
Val
Val Wilcox | Jun 28, 2010 | Reply
Val,
I’m so glad the post was helpful.
Thanks so much,
Adam
drsheck | Jun 28, 2010 | Reply
Intimacy is a huge topic…I personally think we are so busy today that we are not even intimate with ourselves. I rally like your concept or all day foreplay.
rebeccahappy | Jun 28, 2010 | Reply
Rebecca,
Intimacy is the key and I agree we focus so much externally that we forget our relationship with ourselves. Glad you like “all day foreplay” would love your feedback after you’ve practiced it awhile.
Thanks,
Adam
drsheck | Jun 28, 2010 | Reply
Great post Adam. Intimacy is not only knowing someone sexually but also knowing all of their emotional quarks and thoughts. Laying all your emotions out is important. Very interesting post. Glad you are in the TSA team, sometimes we need a break from the things we do to remember the ones we love.
Nicole Rushin | Jun 28, 2010 | Reply
Nicole,
Thanks so much for your appreciation and insights. I agree, we need to find a balance. If not, why are we working so hard to be successful?
Adam
drsheck | Jun 28, 2010 | Reply
adam, you are wonderful for posting this information. i really enjoy learning through your column, since most of my knowledge on the topic comes from discussions with girlfriends and fashion magazines! my biggest take-away is making foreplay an all-day affair; not just a cram-session. thanks for your wisdom adam!
Melissa McCloud | Jun 28, 2010 | Reply
Mellisa,
Glad you’re enjoying my posts and spreading the word! I really appreciate it. And all-day foreplay is the best!
Adam
drsheck | Jun 28, 2010 | Reply
Hello Adam – always great to get a reminder on how to keep things interesting. My wife and I are going on our second child and it’s easy to forget about such things amidst the craziness.
Mark Hiatt | Jun 28, 2010 | Reply
Mark,
Congratulations! I wrote a great blog post and also interviewed a wonderful parenting expert on the subject of having a passionate relationship after the birth of a child. http://passion101.com/blog/2010/03/just-had-a-baby-hubby-wants-sex/
drsheck | Jun 28, 2010 | Reply
Joseph,
Glad you liked it. Anything in particular grab you about it?
Adam
drsheck | Jun 28, 2010 | Reply
Adam,
I’m glad I found your blog! It’s got great information! This post was great! Can’t wait for more!
Joe
Joseph | Jun 28, 2010 | Reply
Hi Adam,
These are such important concepts and it is wonderful that you are bringing them into the open and discussing them. Many couples will benefit from the lessons you are teaching.
I love the idea that another person helps you discover more about yourself. I guess that this can apply to all relationships.
So glad that you are part of TSA!
Mentor Mama
Nancy Burke Barr | Jun 28, 2010 | Reply
MM,
Thanks so much for your kudos. Glad that I can offer you a new perspective on things.
Adam
drsheck | Jun 28, 2010 | Reply
“A long time ago, I heard a clever definition of intimacy by re-languaging it as Into-Me-I See. This defines intimacy first as an inner process of self-discovery and of self-knowledge.”
I love that definition of intimacy! This was a fantastic post Adam!
Kevin M. | Jun 29, 2010 | Reply
Thanks Kevin,
I’m just getting warmed up, stayed tuned for more!
Adam
drsheck | Jun 29, 2010 | Reply
Hey Adam, Really great post. I have found that the best way to grow intimately with your partner is to place their wants and needs above our own. Thanks for your wisdom.
~Clint
Clint White | Jun 29, 2010 | Reply
Clint,
I totally agree with you. Relationships are about what we GIVE, not what we GET.
Thanks for your feedback,
Adam
drsheck | Jun 29, 2010 | Reply
Adam,
Great post. I especially love your term, “All Day Foreplay.” So many of us misunderstand foreplay, assuming that you can be grumpy all day, ignore your partner, be self-centered and uncommunicative, and that all you have to do is decide to have sex, do some foreplay and Voila, intimacy and explosive sexuality. But we humans are much more complex than that. Adam, Your suggestions are wonderful: creating anticipation, starting in the morning, texting, etc.
Dr. Erica Goodstone | Jun 29, 2010 | Reply
Erica,
As always you do a great job of clarifying what I’m trying to say. I write more about “All Day Foreplay” in my eBook, “101 Ways To Bring Back The Passion!” and I’ll speak more about it during my upcoming “Bring Back The Passion” Preview Call.
Thanks so much,
Adam
drsheck | Jun 29, 2010 | Reply
I like the idea of “all day foreplay”. Learning once again. You’re the best.
Lesly | Jul 1, 2010 | Reply
Lesly,
Thanks so much! If you liked that, you’ll LOVE my Preview Call, http://www.passion101.com/blog/preview. Tell ALL your friends
But probably not until after the 4th of July!
Adam
drsheck | Jul 1, 2010 | Reply
Adam,
Great post… very informative on the different types of intimacy we have in our lives and how to get more of it. Thanks for sharing.
~ Pat and Lorna
http://TheCoolestCouple.com
Pat and Lorna Shanks | Jul 1, 2010 | Reply
So glad you two liked it! Any tips you’d like to add from all your years of marriage?
Adam
drsheck | Jul 1, 2010 | Reply
I agree totally, intimacy is a lot more than sex. I believe intimacy is 100% emotional connection, which also include an intellectual connection as well. I also liked how you referred to one’s partner as “stimuli”. Great Food for Thought!
Thanks!
Dewane Mutunga | Aug 3, 2010 | Reply
Dewane,
Happy the post made you think!
Thanks,
Adam
drsheck | Aug 5, 2010 | Reply
Dewane,
Thanks so much for your comments. Ultimately, we need a physical/emotional/spiritual connection with our partner in order to be happy and stay connected long term.
Thanks again,
Adam
drsheck | Aug 5, 2010 | Reply