Live Together or Get Married?
By drsheck on Jun 6, 2010 in Communication, Relationship
Couples enter counseling with me often with the question, “Should we live together or get married?” As a psychologist and couples therapist, I have been trained to explore questions first, prior to giving an answer. And the truth is, for this question, I don’t HAVE an answer, though I do have access to a great deal of data and I do have a response.
My response is not focused upon morality, value judgments, or religious beliefs. It is focused on the issue of commitment. So, the really critical question I would ask couples is, what is your commitment in this relationship? The commitment in the decision to live together is much different than the commitment of marriage.
The commitment to live together is generally speaking really not that much about commitment. It’s about, “let’s see if we can get along together before we make a commitment.” Some refer to it as a “trial marriage.” It really is a much different commitment than marriage for the majority of people. Of course, there are exceptions to this, yet I’m speaking “in general.”
Marriage is about making the commitment to building a life with this person, whether you like them every day or not, whether they are in a good mood every day or not, whether they meet your needs every day or not.
It is about seeing the “big picture,” about remembering why you are together for the long haul, even when the day-to-day ride is bumpy. It is about what you choose to give to the relationship, much more than about what you expect to receive. It is about working through the problems that come up, because you remember that you made a commitment.
And honestly, nothing can prepare you for the commitment of marriage, for the commitment to the long haul, to “forever,” whatever forever means in this world. The concept of the “trial marriage” is statistically proven to be a poor indicator of marriage success.
The majority of cohabitators either breakup or marry within two years. The risk of divorce after living together is 40 to 85% higher than the risk of divorce after not living together. Those who live together before marriage are almost twice as likely to divorce than those who do not live together.
Why is this? There are many theories about it. Personally, I feel there are a few pieces to it. First of all, most of us are not perfect, we have some flaws, we have fears, we have parts of ourselves we hide from the world, parts we are not proud of, that cause us some amount of shame. We have varying degrees of doubt as to our self-worth, our desirability, our “love-ability.” This may be conscious or unconscious.
And often, these deeper issues don’t come up in a living together situation, or if they do, not as strongly as when the commitment to marriage is made. Only then will our psyches feel safe enough to let down our guard, lower our defenses and let our “dark side” come out fully. And often, only then is our partner prepared to face and accept this side of us, without turning and running in the other direction. This is where a strong commitment is needed.
The second piece, I think is the fact that we as humans are truly creatures of habit. And when we live together with someone, we develop certain habits of relating and certain mindsets. Certain habits of communicating, certain habits of being. Often, we develop habits of “me” and “you” and “mine” and “yours.” And we develop habits of “my way.” And we develop mindsets of “I’m right and you’re wrong” and “it’s your fault.” And those are really difficult to change, once we marry and commit to “forever.”
Conversely (and ideally), when we make the commitment to marriage without the habits of living together, we build up habits of “us,” of “the partnership,” of “together forever” and we might work a little harder to sustain these habits. We might look more to ourselves and what we are doing to make our situation better or worse and take more responsibility for it. Each day is spent building this foundation, so that when challenging times come, as they will, we are prepared to meet them from strength, from partnership.
The final piece, which may speak more to the statistics, is that perhaps a percentage of the people who choose to live together, do so, because they are not prepared or capable of making a stronger commitment like that of marriage.
So, like all couples, the ball is in your court. It’s not good or bad to decide to live together or to decide to get married. It is an important decision though. If it becomes too difficult to reach a choice that is consistent with what you want, you might want to consider seeking support from a counselor or therapist.
I wish you the best,
Dr. Adam Sheck
If you’re exploring the question to live together or get married and would like to know more about my work with couples,please download my Free Special Report, “20 Rituals For Romance!” at www.freepassiontips.com
Poly-Friendly Professionals 
Hrmm.. fascinating thoughts here.
If the issue is commitment, you will never know how much you ‘like’ someone.. or how compatible you are until you make the commitment.
With guards down, letting dark sides take over, etc… doesn’t let the other person know “this is what I’m like when I’m committed” so how can someone make a decision based on just living together.
Again – I’m with you.. generally speaking, this is the case. Very rare, have I seen couples ‘only’ living together for long periods of time. One couple I know have been together for over 40 years – not married… and have a wonderful relationship. Don’t know why they aren’t getting married.. but judge not – they’re more committed than some married couples!
Paul Klaszus | Jun 7, 2010 | Reply
Interesting post here, especially for a guy that has been living with a Knock Dead Gorgeous lady for 27 years. It hasn’t always been easy but I do love her very much. The longer we are together the easier it gets.
Oh By the way, Last February we celebrated are 27th anniversary. I got married when I was 19. If we lived together without marriage, I don’t believe the commitment would be as strong!
Bill Hartman | Jun 7, 2010 | Reply
Congratulations to you Bill, you’re a lucky man! Though to be with someone for 27 years takes a great deal more than luck, I’m sure you both have worked hard to keep the love alive. Glad you enjoyed the post.
Thanks so much,
Adam
drsheck | Jun 7, 2010 | Reply
Paul,
You’re a deep thinker and I definitely enjoy your comments. I think that once you have truly committed to a relationship (for some that means marriage, for some cohabitation, for some …) the dynamics change and the opportunity for growth and healing expands tremendously.
Take care,
Adam
drsheck | Jun 7, 2010 | Reply
Adam
Wow found the statistic interesting that those who live together before marriage more likely to divorce. Your reasons sound reasonable. I live with my life partner and we have been together longer than either of my marriages where we didn’t live together before marriage.From my relationship experiences it doesn’t make any difference whether you live together or not before marriage it is about being with the right person full stop. This present relationship is the one for me forever, only now that I have experienced true, unconditional love do I realise that the others weren’t the right one.
Belinda
belinda cunningham | Jun 8, 2010 | Reply
It is very hard to argue with your statistics. I always thought that it was better to live together for a while before getting married; however, the habits that are formed in living together without marriage vows are quite different. I speak from experience.
Very good argument. You’ve made me revamp my thinking on this issue. Thanks!
Darlene Davis | Jun 8, 2010 | Reply
Adam,
I really enjoyed this post. You kept a neutral stand and presented all the options in very clear terms. It does boil down to personal choice.
I look forward to you posts as they continuously give me food for thought and the opportunity to see another side of every topic.
Val
Val Wilcox | Jun 8, 2010 | Reply
Val,
I appreciate your comment and acknowledgment and I really do my best to present the options so that people can make a conscious, informed choice.
Thanks,
Adam
drsheck | Jun 8, 2010 | Reply
Belinda,
Thanks for your thoughts and sharing your experience. I agree, at some point, the nature of your commitment is more important than the label. However, coming to this point takes a certain level of maturity that many couples are still growing into.
Adam
drsheck | Jun 8, 2010 | Reply
Darlene,
I’m so pleased that I’ve given some information to ponder and think about. That’s all I can ask of anyone.
Thank so much,
Adam
drsheck | Jun 8, 2010 | Reply
I’ve never heard the living together situation summarized in this way, & i had no idea about the statistics. It’s definitely food for thought in a relationship. Thanks for scientifically defining it without bringing in moral issues since we all bring something different to the table in that department.
~Annie
Annie Merovich | Jun 8, 2010 | Reply
Annie,
So glad to give you a new and unbiased perspective. It really means a lot that you can see that I’m doing my best to leave MY opinions and morality out of it so that YOU can decide what’s best for you.
Adam
drsheck | Jun 8, 2010 | Reply
Thought-provoking post! I was surprised to read that the risk of divorce is so much higher in people who live together beforehand! I think you are right about the lack of an ability to commit being part of the reason why those who cohabitate first divorce more often.
I will recommend this post to anyone who is trying to make this important decision.
Jacqueline Green | Jun 9, 2010 | Reply
Jacqueline,
Glad this post was so thought-provoking and gave you so new information. Thanks so much for the recommendation, it’s an important topic.
Take care,
Adam
drsheck | Jun 9, 2010 | Reply
I appreciate this post. I have been happily married for 27 years. Just like with all married people we’ve had our ups and downs. Separating was never an option. No one knows if it would have been different if it was! As I counsel my children I tell them the importance of making a decision and sticking to it! I’m glad to hear your research to confirm my opinion! I look forward to reading more from you!
Linda G. Cox | Jun 9, 2010 | Reply
LInda,
I’m so glad the post made sense to you. Sounds like you’re a great mom and I look forward to learning more about you and your work as well.
Adam
drsheck | Jun 9, 2010 | Reply
Wow, you pose some great questions in your post Adam and I would totally agree that you should live together for a while first before you guys decide to tie the knot and get married without getting to know that persons nasty habits first, cause we all got em! lol
Matthew Neer | Jun 10, 2010 | Reply
Matthew,
Thanks for the great feedback, though I’m NOT giving an opinion one way or the other here, just presenting the facts and asking the questions. I leave it to YOU to decide what’s best for your life!
Take care,
Adam
drsheck | Jun 10, 2010 | Reply