Stop Making Excuses For Not Having Sex!
By drsheck on Jul 3, 2010 in Relationship, Sexuality
Consumer Reports did a sex survey of 1000 adults and over 80% of the respondents said that they sometimes avoided having sex with their partners. Yes, we all have legitimate reasons from time to time for avoiding this physical intimacy, yet when we get into the HABIT of avoiding sex on a regular basis, it is indicative of BIG PROBLEMS!
The top six reasons given for not having sex are:
1. TOO TIRED OR NEED SLEEP
2. NOT FEELING WELL OR HEALTH PROBLEMS
3. NOT IN THE MOOD
4. TAKING CARE OF CHILDREN OR PETS
5. WORK
6. WATCHING TV OR A MOVIE
As a couples counselor and sex therapist, I have heard every excuse in the book for not having sex and the above survey is consistent with my experience. And from my perspective, these are just EXCUSES!
Decreased expression of affection, less physical intimacy and reduced frequency of sex are all symptoms of loss of connection in a relationship. And in my experience, unless something is done to remedy this, it is often the beginning of the end.
The good news, is that this loss of connection and loss of passion can be stopped and reversed! If you’re not having sex, it doesn’t have to remain that way! I’ve been working with couples for almost twenty years on this issue of passion and that’s why I created the Passion 101 Website. I know that not all couples have the resources and finances to see a couples counselor on an ongoing basis. There IS another solution!
Of course, the solution is a bit more complex than I can explain in a short blog article. That’s why I’ve created my “Bring Back The Passion!” Program to help those who want professional help in having a more loving AND a more passionate relationship. Please contact me if you’d like to know more.
Thank you so much,
Dr. Adam Sheck
If you’d like to start to change this habit of not having sex, download my Free Special Report, “20 Rituals For Romance!” at www.freepassiontips.com
Poly-Friendly Professionals 
Hey Dr Adam,
Great post! You are so right, so many people start by making the occasional excuse but then get stuck into always making one.
Fortunately its not a problem we have at the moment, but I have spread the word on your article!! lol:)
Great to connect with you!
Sue Collier | Jul 4, 2010 | Reply
Sue,
Thanks for your observations, glad you’re not in that boat! And thanks so much for sharing the post.
Adam
drsheck | Jul 4, 2010 | Reply
Dr Adam,
I couldn’t agree more. These symptoms are a pre-curser to a gap that without help, can feel impossible to close. We create new patterns and habits of disconnect that become solidified by time. I LOVE the idea of your teleseminar series. What better gift to give yourself than to keep your relationship SMOLDERING!
Thanks for all you do!
-Elaina
Elaina | Jul 4, 2010 | Reply
Elaina,
Thanks so much for your insight and support. I especially appreciate it coming from a relationship expert such as yourself!
Thanks again,
Adam
drsheck | Jul 4, 2010 | Reply
I agree that all of the listed excuses can be just that, excuses, reasons to avoid sex because the emotional intimacy and communication has gone astray. However, sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. With 2 or 3 small children and two working parents and financial struggles, both spouses may be too tired to even consider sexual contact, yet they may be able to blitz in front of the TV for relaxation. What works and what is an excuse, is different for every couple.
Dr. Erica Goodstone | Jul 4, 2010 | Reply
Erica,
I agree, sometimes an excuse is “reasonable.” However, when it becomes a pattern and it’s more about avoidance of intimacy, it needs to be dealt with. It’s an important distinction for couples to make for sure.
Thanks,
Adam
drsheck | Jul 4, 2010 | Reply
I believe the key word you use in this post is “habit.” Relationships need to be nurtured and not neglected if we expect them to be successful. We need to make sure our “habits” are good ones! I love your teleseries concept!
Teresa Ivory | Jul 5, 2010 | Reply
Teresa,
You’ve got it, the habits for success (and successful relationships) are what we need to focus on. I originally called my free report “20 Rituals for Romance” just that, “20 Habits” but it didn’t sound as smooth. Glad you like the teleseries concept, hope to “see” you on the Preview Call.
Thanks so much,
Adam
drsheck | Jul 5, 2010 | Reply
I couldn’t agree more. It is a symptom of disconnect and lack of communication on all levels. I am always fascinated about couples who keep up their intimate relationship. What keeps them from making the excuses in the first place?
Thanks for your insights.
Johanna Brem | Jul 5, 2010 | Reply
Johanna,
I believe that what “keeps them from making the excuses” is their COMMITMENT to connection. Connection is a higher priority than excuses. I’ll be speaking more about that on my Preview Call.
Thanks for your comments,
Adam
drsheck | Jul 5, 2010 | Reply
Hi Adam,
I agree that excuses to not have sex indicate a deeper problem in the relationship. I applaud you in speaking out on a difficult subject and offering the teleseminar as an affordable alternative to couples who need help. Keep up the good work!
Debbie Stevens | Jul 5, 2010 | Reply
Thanks so much, Debbie, hope to see you on the Preview Call! Please pass it on
Adam
drsheck | Jul 5, 2010 | Reply
I really appreciated this post. This is a difficult subject for many people and I believe a somewhat anonymous teletraining series could be a great option.
I look forward to reading and hearing more of your insights.
Thanks for stepping up.
Vanessa | Jul 5, 2010 | Reply
Vanessa,
Thanks so much for your thoughts, hope to “see” you on the Preview Call.
Adam
drsheck | Jul 5, 2010 | Reply
Dr. Adam,
Yes, I agree…couples often lose passion in their relationships and begin to drift apart. It’s really important for us to keep our relationships fresh and vibrant. No more excuses, every couple needs to take note!
Kathy Jodrey | Jul 5, 2010 | Reply
Thanks, Kathy, I appreciate your thoughts. Hope to see you on the Preview Call!
Adam
drsheck | Jul 5, 2010 | Reply
Do you think avoiding sex is also a form of procrastination? Why do it tonight when it can be put off for another night? Interesting, especially knowing the psychology of procrastination. When it becomes a ‘have to’ or ‘should do’ then it becomes a form of victim-hood and very dis-empowering. What happens along the way to take the ‘I Want to’ or ‘I will’ out of it?
Nicole Rushin | Jul 6, 2010 | Reply
Nicole,
You raise an interesting point. Generally, we procrastinate because we want to delay the PAIN of something. So, if we’re procrastinating about sex, it might be more about avoiding the PAIN of intimacy in one form or another. Which is why I created my new teleseries, “Bring Back The Passion.”
Of course, sometimes we just forget how pleasurable connecting sexually with our loved one is, until we are in the middle of it and then vow to stop “procrastinating.” What do you think?
Thanks,
Adam
drsheck | Jul 6, 2010 | Reply
Hi Adam,
Wow,you caught me by surprise I was not expecting to read anything about intimacy when i got here, i expected something of mlm business related,this is such a good article, i have to confess i will be right back!!This blog is so much jam packed with information!
Cheers,
~kebabope Morapedi
kebabope | Jul 6, 2010 | Reply
Keba,
So glad you enjoyed (and were surprised) by the post. Yes, my work is about helping couples and singles with relationship and intimacy issues. Hope you can make the Preview Call next week. Look forward to learning more about you.
Thanks,
Adam
drsheck | Jul 6, 2010 | Reply
Dr. Adam, Great post! I think making excuses for not having sex is such a common problem, and I’m glad to see that you are offering help to people that want it. Thanks, Joseph McDevitt
Joseph McDevitt | Jul 6, 2010 | Reply
Joseph,
Thanks so much for your support, hope to see you on the Preview Call!
Adam
drsheck | Jul 7, 2010 | Reply
Adam,
I really like it that you’re not afraid to approach a multitude of topics. This can cause issues that many times people don’t even realize.
Great topic and resources to support them in addressing this,
Val
Val Wilcox | Jul 7, 2010 | Reply
Val,
The topics I blog about are all connected to relationships in one way or another, so there is a method to my madness.
Thanks for continuing to read them,
Adam
drsheck | Jul 8, 2010 | Reply
I want to jump in on the ritual and habit conversation. I was married for 19 years and am remarried 9 years in a totally different kind of relationship. My first marriage saw the sex go out of it very quickly, and some of it could be attributed to little kids, stress, and habit of putting it off. But later it became a symptom of a much deeper issue of lack of communication, and connection between us. I thought there was something wrong with me.
It’s good to know that for the past 9 years I have had a very healthy sex life with my husband, and all is very well.
Very Happy !
Larry & Laura Morris
Laura Morris | Jul 8, 2010 | Reply
Laura (& Larry),
Thanks so much for sharing about such a private subject. I’m sure you are a role model of hope for those around you. It takes commitment from both partners to make it happen.
Take care,
Adam
drsheck | Jul 8, 2010 | Reply
I love your approach Adam to an issue that couples joke about, and is a serious one. I look forward to the Preview call!
Jacqueline Green | Jul 8, 2010 | Reply
Jacqueline,
The serious subject DO take a little levity to make them more tolerable. As a psychologist, my work is often so heavy, that I have to be light to balance it out, though I DO take it seriously as well and really care about the people that come for help. Look forward to seeing you at the Preview Call!
Adam
drsheck | Jul 8, 2010 | Reply
Adam,
Obviously this topic is much more far reaching than most people will ever admit. Ancient scripture says if you marry “you will have” trouble. Not maybe, not possibly, but will. It’s two people coming together from different backgrounds and likely low self worth… and viola… there you see trouble.
My work is in emotionally connecting people together because until there is an emotional connection there isn’t going to be joy in any other type of connection. Would be interesting to do a call with you sometime. I’ll be sharing your info.
Kellie Frazier | Jul 8, 2010 | Reply
Kellie,
I would agree with you, that the majority of issues with couples are about connection and the symptoms, including avoiding sexual intimacy are an effect of this. Would LOVE to do a teleseminar with you sometime. Let’s talk about it and put something on the books!
Adam
drsheck | Jul 9, 2010 | Reply
Great post Adam, you really make some great points here about not avoiding that intimacy. It’s all about enjoying every moment with your partner and that includes some good lovin!
Matthew Neer | Jul 10, 2010 | Reply
Matthew,
It’s definitely about being in the moment and appreciating and enhancing what is!
Thanks,
Adam
drsheck | Jul 10, 2010 | Reply
Dr. A,
A good issue to revisit since I am in a fairly new relationship. You handled this difficult topic discreetly. It is definitely at the core of a good relationship and all too often just swept under the carpet.
Will pass your teleseminar information on. I applaud you for offering counseling in sex education.
Darlene Davis | Jul 10, 2010 | Reply
Darlene,
Thanks so much, I hope it will be helpful. The Preview Call is more about reestablishing CONNECTION, which will allow for PASSION, then it is about direct sex therapy. I’ll be answering everyone’s questions, including their questions about sexuality though. And it will definitely be a topic for a future teleseries for sure.
Adam
drsheck | Jul 10, 2010 | Reply
Those are DEFINITELY excuses! I think your series will help a lot of people. it’s easy to get lost in that bottomless pit called “distance”. Side Effect can be fatal!!!
Dewane Mutunga | Aug 3, 2010 | Reply
Dewane,
Thanks so much for sharing.
Adam
drsheck | Aug 5, 2010 | Reply
LMAO… I couldn’t agree more. It is ridiculous to make lame excuses that take passion out of a relationship. Well put Dr!
Aki Wood | Aug 22, 2010 | Reply
Aki,
Glad you enjoyed it, stayed tuned for more!
Adam
drsheck | Aug 22, 2010 | Reply