Love Is Not Enough!
By drsheck on Jul 17, 2010 in Relationship, Romance
Is love enough? Couples meet, they fall in love, they make a commitment, move in together or get married (if allowed) and then what? Over half break up! Obviously, LOVE IS NOT ENOUGH to sustain a relationship.
There was a study by researchers from the Australian National University entitled “What’s Love Got to Do With It” that tracked close to 2,500 couple from 2001 to 2007. The purpose was to figure out qualities or factors that could identify who stayed together versus who divorced or separated. In other words,if love is not enough, what else is needed for a long-term relationship?
Some of the major factors identified were:
- Husbands who are nine or more years older than their wives were twice as likely to get divorced, as are husbands who get married before they turned 25.
- Twenty percent of couples who have kids before marriage, either from a previous relationship or from their current relationship, separated compared to nine percent of couples without children born before marriage.
- Sixteen percent of men and women whose parents separated or divorced experienced marital separation themselves compared to ten percent for those whose parents did not separate.
- Partners on their second or third marriage are ninety percent more likely to separate than those who are both in their first marriage.
- Women who want children much more than their partners are more likely to get a divorce.
While this research gives us some interesting information, it still doesn’t give us the SOLUTION! If love is not enough, how can we stay in our relationships and be happy and be passionate?
There’s not short answer or I would only have to see couples in my counseling practice for a single session or two, yet here are two suggestions I have (and have blogged about more extensively in the links below):
5:1 Ratio:
There is extensive research that couples that have a ratio of five positive interactions for every one negative interaction are significantly more likely to stay together. In fact, studies of this ratio indicate it as over 80% accurate in predicting divorce. Read more about it by clicking on my blog post: Have Fun In Your Relationship.
The 3 C’s of Relationship: Chemistry, Compatibility & Commitment!
I’ve been telling my couples about the 3 C’s for years and I finally wrote an article about it which you can read by clicking here!
I hope that you’ll be able to practice some of these techniques in your relationship and look forward to your comments about them.
Thank you so much,
Dr. Adam Sheck
And PLEASE, if you believe that love is not enough to sustain a relationship, please subscribe to my free, monthly Passion 101 Newsletter at www.freepassiontips.com. You’ll also receive my Special Report: 20 Rituals for Romance!
Poly-Friendly Professionals 
This is a very interesting articles, especially the survey conducted, i was really impressed.
I’ll make sure i stick to the 3Cs and the 5:1 ratio
Loic | Jul 18, 2010 | Reply
Thanks so much for your comment, I’m glad it was of some help to you. Please let me know of your progress
Adam
drsheck | Jul 18, 2010 | Reply
I thought how well and fairly couples fought counted for something as well?
Frank Smith | Jul 18, 2010 | Reply
Frank,
Not quite sure what you mean, can you explain a little more?
Adam
drsheck | Jul 18, 2010 | Reply
My friends were taught in couples therapy that a really important element of a relationship is how well you fight. Their therapists said it is not how wealthy a couple is or how great a sex life they that what makes a relationship survive is how a couple fights. I would guess they meant if a couple can communicate well while fighting, fight fairly and be constructive rather than destructive.
There is always going to be conflict in a relationship. Some people hide from it some people explode and there are many different ways a couple can deal with conflict some healthy and some not so healthy.
Frank Smith | Jul 18, 2010 | Reply
Frank,
Okay, that makes some sense to me. How a couple manages conflict is a huge part of communication. The word “fight” is what confused me a little. Actually, Gottman’s research on the 5:1 ratio seemed to be valid for “high conflict” couples as well, so while each couples therapist may teach something different (and all can be valid), that’s what the research indicates. Couples can be high conflict, low conflict or “therapized” yet none of those styles seems to be a good predictor of long-term relationship success.
Adam
drsheck | Jul 18, 2010 | Reply
Dr. Adam, very interesting post! The factors that were identified who stayed together vs. who divorced or seperated, very compelling! I’ll be looking forward to your post on the three c’s. Thanks, Joseph McDevitt
Joseph McDevitt | Jul 19, 2010 | Reply
Joseph,
Glad you found the post interesting and I can’t wait to hear your reaction to next week’s post!
Thanks,
Adam
drsheck | Jul 19, 2010 | Reply
Adam
Great post. I always tell people you better be good friends if you are getting married or living to gether, because after all the good stuff wares off ( about 1 1/2 tears) and that’s all the relationship was built on there isn’t going to be anything left to hold you together.
Have Great Day
Chester
Chester Delameter | Jul 19, 2010 | Reply
Chester,
Good friends is always a great suggestion, you’ve got that right! The initial chemistry DOES wear off, which is why I have programs for my couples to “Bring Back The Passion!”
Take care,
Adam
drsheck | Jul 19, 2010 | Reply
Very interesting information, so far I am 9 years older than my wife and had a child previously, we are still going strong, it has only been 4 years coming up July 22nd. We are very happy, I always feel I should be doing more.
I enjoy reading and learning from you thanks for taking the time to do so.
Rob
Rob Franta | Jul 19, 2010 | Reply
Rob,
Statistics are just statistics! They tell us the trend and what to possibly watch out for. Statistically, any long-term relationship is defying the odds, yet what are our options? Glad you and your family are doing well and that you’re enjoying my posts.
Thanks so much,
Adam
drsheck | Jul 19, 2010 | Reply
It’s always important to continue to date after you’re married. It’s always important to have fun.
Jeremiah M. Wean | Jul 19, 2010 | Reply
Jeremiah,
The concept of “date night” even though it’s become something of a cliche, still has a great deal of value, I agree with you. And fun, that’s a huge one, if you checked out my other post.
Thanks so much for sharing,
Adam
drsheck | Jul 19, 2010 | Reply
Hi Adam,
Although I am currently single, I can understand the statistics that you’ve listed as being reason’s why couple may not stay together. I personally feel it is vital that couples have many interests & things in common, such activities they both enjoy & do together on a regular basis – otherwise, I can see that you may drift apart as you have most interests that perhaps your partner does not share & thus your both spending less time together interacting with each other in a positive way. Great topic Adam, thanks for sharing! Christine
Christine Casey | Jul 19, 2010 | Reply
Christine,
Common interests ARE certainly something that is important to long-term relationships. At the same time, if you’ve read my post on how couples come together, we also are drawn to someone who has those qualities of our primary caregivers, which might be somewhat antithetical to “common interests.” That’s why we must learn to grow and “stretch” with our partner to stay together over time.
Take care,
Adam
drsheck | Jul 19, 2010 | Reply
Thanks you for the article. That is very interesting how conflict is dealt with does not matter to the stats about staying together very much.
I always wonder with couples if some stay together longer than others not due to having a great relationship necessarily but because some couples are way more co-dependent and not always in a healthy way either. I have a friend who has told me she prefers women yet she stays with her husband anyway and one reason she stays with him is so she does not have to go to work and have a career not that they are wealthy. All couples are so different and relationships can be so complex along with the reasons for staying together.
Frank Smith | Jul 19, 2010 | Reply
Frank,
Very interesting thoughts, I have no doubt that there is some truth to it. When a couple comes into my office, I NEVER assume that they are there because they want to work on the relationship or that they want to stay together. Time will reveal the truth. Couples come together and STAY TOGETHER for many different reasons, as you suggest. It’s not my place to judge whether money or sex or security or love or companionship or something else is a “good” reason or not. I am there to put the couple into process and let them sort out how best they would like to be together (or not be together).
Thanks,
Adam
drsheck | Jul 19, 2010 | Reply
Great blog Adam!
And WOW! Some of those statistics were amazing!
Thanks for sharing
Aidan Gibson | Jul 19, 2010 | Reply
Aidan,
I’m so glad you are enjoying my blog. I’ve got articles, audios and videos, so there’s something for everyone. And yes, those stats are something!
Thanks for commenting,
Adam
drsheck | Jul 19, 2010 | Reply
Hi Adam,
Those are interesting statistics you are showing there. Does this also mean that if a couple is part of a “higher risk” group (e.g. parents are divorced, they have kids from a previous marriage etc.) that the success rate of counceling is lower?
Just curious. Thanks,
Karin.
karin | Jul 19, 2010 | Reply
Karin,
Good question. I’ve seen a lot of research on the efficacy of individual psychotherapy, but none on couples treatment. I’ll check into it. Generally, the biggest factors impacting successful treatment are 1. factors OUTSIDE of the therapy and 2. the relationship with the therapist.
Thanks for being curious,
Adam
drsheck | Jul 19, 2010 | Reply
Dr. Sheck: I learned quite a bit from your post. I am happy to report my husband and I have defied the odds!
It takes good communication, respect, and compromise. I’m not sure why most stay together, but if they, too, defy the odds… it’s a celebration!
Thank you, Dr. Sheck, for this very interesting article!
Deborah
Deborah A. Ten Brink | Jul 19, 2010 | Reply
Deborah,
Congratulations, you definitely should celebrate! In fact, daily celebration of your love will probably go a long way in keeping you together and beating the odds! That’s what I tell all of my couples.
Thanks so much for sharing,
Adam
drsheck | Jul 19, 2010 | Reply
Adam,
It is so, so true. In today’s world it seems that love is just not enough. With our widespread acceptance of divorce, many people are all too willing to bail out at the first sign of trouble.
Couples need to realize that there is no such thing as the perfect relationship, and that marriage takes work and commitment.
Kathy Jodrey | Jul 19, 2010 | Reply
Kathy,
You are preaching to the choir! It may not be a popular stance these days, but anything worthwhile in life takes energy and commitment and that is especially true for a loving relationship.
Thanks,
Adam
drsheck | Jul 19, 2010 | Reply
I discovered the real secret to a happy marriage by accident when I married my husband. Here it is – marry someone who is infinitely patient, infinitely forgiving and last but not least, truly loves you even when you’re at your worst.
Teresa Ivory | Jul 19, 2010 | Reply
Teresa,
You are definitely a fortunate woman! If only we could bottle your secret
Thanks for commenting,
Adam
drsheck | Jul 19, 2010 | Reply
Hi Adam,
I’ve never been married. I think it has a lot to do with my experiences early in life, but I would like to somehow take that wall down. Reading your posts helps a bit.
Looking forward to your post on the 3 Cs of Relationships.
Wendy Hewlett
Wendy Hewlett | Jul 19, 2010 | Reply
Wendy,
I’m so glad that my blog has been of some help to you. It’s not easy to overcome our past experiences, yet it IS possible.
I wish you the best,
Adam
drsheck | Jul 19, 2010 | Reply
Dr. Adam, this is a great article on why people should be married before even thinking about taking children. I was surprised by the results.
Rick | Jul 19, 2010 | Reply
Rick,
That’s certainly one conclusion you could draw from the article. Just to clarify, that particular statistic ALSO include couples who had children from prior marriages.
Thanks so much for commenting,
Adam
drsheck | Jul 19, 2010 | Reply
Adam,
I always find your posts interesting reading and this one is no exception. We can never know too much about how to build and keep a relationship strong. In this case, knowing some of the possible risk factors can help people be more aware of the importance of keeping their relationship strong…
Thanks for all of your great information.
Best,
Robin
Robin van der Merwe | Jul 20, 2010 | Reply
Robin,
You certainly make sense here, knowledge IS power. Do you have any secrets for a long lasting relationship to share?
Thanks for commenting,
Adam
drsheck | Jul 20, 2010 | Reply
Hi Adam,
I enjoyed your post. I have been married for 32 years to a wonderful man. He is my best friend. I agree with everything you said about the 3Cs and the 5:1 ratio.
Melodie
Melodie Kantner | Jul 20, 2010 | Reply
Melodie,
Congratulations! Thirty-two years of marriage is INCREDIBLE! What’s your secret? I’m thinking of doing a blog post with the secrets of successfully married people and am ready to start doing research.
Thanks so much,
Adam
drsheck | Jul 20, 2010 | Reply
That says it all for me then Dr I just won’t get married. I am in a happy 7 year relationship, why ruin it with marriage.
belinda cunningham | Jul 20, 2010 | Reply
Belinda,
I certainly support everyone in making the choice of commitment that they desire (and wish that EVERYONE had that choice). Like they say, if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it!
Wish you the best,
Adam
drsheck | Jul 20, 2010 | Reply
Hi Adam,
Interesting statistics for sure! I thought one of the C’s might be communication. My late husband and I struggled quite a bit early in our relationship due to compatibility issues, so I can definitely attest to how important that is. Thanks for sharing. I believe the information you provide here is life-changing. I appreciate you!
Debbie Stevens | Jul 20, 2010 | Reply
Debbie,
I guess I could add “communication” but then there would be four C’s! I’m so glad you value my posts. I certainly value your support and feedback.
Thanks so much,
Adam
drsheck | Jul 20, 2010 | Reply
Hey Adam,
Great post! Relationships can be hard work; but well worth the effort!! There are so many different aspects of a relationship but I think one important and often overlooked point is that as well as being one part of a couple, you are still two separate people with your own identities.
Your posts always seem to get me thinking….
Sue
Sue Collier | Jul 21, 2010 | Reply
Sue,
So pleased that I can stimulate some deep thought about relationships! I agree with you, the relationship does consist of two people, two individuals working to forge a partnership. There was a great book title from the 70′s, “Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?” and that’s the balancing act between self and partnership.
Thanks so much,
Adam
drsheck | Jul 21, 2010 | Reply
Hi Adam,
You not only define the problems, you offer solutions. I was thinking how parents could instill this in their growing children to help them make successful decisions about their own upcoming marriages. It’s powerful to be armed with real data and not just lore or traditions.
Carolyn Elizabeth Blake | Jul 21, 2010 | Reply
Carolyn,
You make a great point. It is certainly part of our job (those most of us don’t have the tools) to prepare our children for future relationships. Our best tool is good modeling, of course! We need to walk the talk and lead by example. The best counseling, I believe, combines art AND science, in delivering the best tools in the best way that people can accept and utilize them.
Thanks,
Adam
drsheck | Jul 21, 2010 | Reply
Adam,
Great post! I loved the research and statistics you gave. I can see some of the reasons why Dave and I have been married for 20 years, and you gave some excellent pointers on how to keep it going strong.
I really believe that compatibility and commitment are very key and yes, adding chemistry just tops it off. I look forward to your post on the 3 C’s!
Thanks for sharing your specialized knowledge on relationships!
Dawn and (Dave)
Dave and Dawn Cook | Jul 21, 2010 | Reply
D&D,
Thanks so much for your comment and congratulations on your 20 years of marriage! What’s one tip YOU would recommend to others for a successful relationship? And, yes, please stay tuned for the 3 C’s!
Adam
drsheck | Jul 21, 2010 | Reply
Adam,
There should be another “C” which is communication.
That is what has helped us so much, being able to talk to one another about any problem, challenge or anything.
What’s a relationship if you can’t talk to one another. Thanks for the great post.
Love,
~ Pat & Lorna
http://TheCoolestCouple.com
Pat & Lorna Shanks | Jul 21, 2010 | Reply
P&L,
Communication is a SKILL and one of the most important ones in a relationship. However, the C’s are QUALITIES of the relationship, so it’s a little different. I’ll write more about it next week, promise. Thanks so much for your comment.
Adam
drsheck | Jul 21, 2010 | Reply
Adam, some great and very interesting statistics on divorce you have here. It is so true that divorce is widespread nowadays. I think that the problem is not enough commitment in today’s day and age. As soon as there’s a little glitch in the marriage, one runs.
Debbie Wood | Jul 22, 2010 | Reply
Debbie,
Commitment is one of the 3 C’s I’ll be writing about next week, so I certainly agree with you as to it’s value. We won’t get into the PARENTING issues that cause the latest generations to have these commitment issues, but that is a major source of the problem.
Thanks for sharing,
Adam
drsheck | Jul 22, 2010 | Reply
Adam, great information I am sure a lot of married couples would love to know this information and how they can not become a sad statistic.
Lori
Lori Robertson | Jul 22, 2010 | Reply
Lori,
Thanks for your kind words. Please feel free to share this post (and my Passion 101 blog) with those couples that you feel might benefit.
Adam
drsheck | Jul 22, 2010 | Reply
Nicole,
You are definitely correct, we have to take care of our own needs first to be able to be there for someone else. I’m going to do a post in the future, “Me Before We.” As always, I truly appreciate your thoughts.
Adam
drsheck | Jul 22, 2010 | Reply
I enjoyed your article. We’ve just celebrated 18 years of marriage and are happier than we’ve ever been before. It’s my 3rd marriage and my wife’s second. I guess we don’t fit the pattern. I have to say that trough personal development has brought us to this point. We do not allow any negativity into our lives and only focus on the future.
Michael
Michael Berry | Jul 22, 2010 | Reply
Michael,
Congratulations! Eighteen years is quite an accomplishment. Guess “three times” really IS the charm (just kidding)! Sincerely, what IS your secret? Personal development certainly must be a big part of it, as you suggest.
Enquiring minds want to know!
Thanks for sharing,
Adam
drsheck | Jul 22, 2010 | Reply
Hi Adam, very interesting. My husband and I just celebrated our 21 year anniversary so we beat the odds!!! We have had our struggles, that’s for sure, but they have only strengthened our bond and I feel Very fortunate for what we have.
I believe having the same core values and just that mutual respect and consideration for each other is HUGE. Marriage is a partnership and just like any partnership, it takes work. Unfortunately, it’s easier for too many to just give up and think the “grass is greener”.
I do understand how people can “fall out of love” with each other but one thing that TOTALLY amazes me is how 2 people who loved each other at one time (and had children together) can come to a point where they absolutely despise each other. That just floors me!
Looking forward to reading your article about the 3 C’s. Thanks, Laura
Laura Paulson | Jul 22, 2010 | Reply
Laura,
Congratulations on 21 years! Common core values and respect are critical, so I’m not surprised that you’ve made it this far. Commitment is huge, too. As far as your comment about couples getting to that point of despising each other, it’s very sad, yet it happens. Two of the big danger signs in a relationship are criticism and contempt and enough of those will get you to that point of deep resentment. That’s why I try to help couples in counseling BEFORE they get to that point.
Thanks so much for sharing,
Adam
drsheck | Jul 22, 2010 | Reply
Very interesting article. It is amazing to see the statistics on relationships like this. I agree that it really does take 3 c’s to make a relationship work. I look forward to hearing more about that.
Angela | Jul 22, 2010 | Reply
Angela,
The statistics are pretty informative aren’t they? Thanks for commenting and I hope you enjoy the 3 C’s next week!
Adam
drsheck | Jul 22, 2010 | Reply
Hello Adam
I am always suspicious of stats and correlations, however the 5:1 ratio makes sense to me.
I know it sounds like a cliché, but if you can honestly say your partner is your best friend I think you can easily achieve better than that ratio.
Peter Fuller MBA | Jul 22, 2010 | Reply
Peter,
I certainly don’t blame you, statistics can be manipulated to say just about anything. However, this research by John Gottman DOES seem to be fairly accurate. FYI, there NEEDS to be that one negative interaction as well! If we bottle it all up, that’s no good either.
Thanks for commenting,
Adam
drsheck | Jul 22, 2010 | Reply
One day at a time. Most people complain about their spouses and they complain about being lonely when they are gone. No other person can complete somebody. You have to be happy first. When one spouse takes the step to find happiness and the other does not it creates friction. You have to grow personally and grow together.
Nicole Rushin | Jul 22, 2010 | Reply
Great post Adam. I love reading your posts! I love my wife, and I think there may be some stuff to work on. I’ll keep reading!
Joe
Joseph | Jul 22, 2010 | Reply
Hi Adam!
I’ve been in a relationship for 12 years and we are happier than ever. The three C’s are so important! We’re best friends first and foremost and just love hanging out together and have the same vision about what we want from our lives.
It’s all there but I think a lot of our success is from the day by day mentality. Although we are totally committed to each other we take each day as it comes and have always said we’ll be together whilst we are having fun and when we don’t enjoy it anymore then we’ll move on – I think it makes us make sure we always live each day to the full. I love the 5:1 ratio, for sure positivity towards each other should massively outweigh the negative.
Thank you so much for your post, I always love reading about relationships and you make a lot of sense.
Kind regards,
Emma
Emma | Jul 23, 2010 | Reply
Emma,
I’m so glad you’ve enjoyed the post! I totally agree, we must live each day fully and not take our partner for granted. Daily appreciation and VERBALIZING them go a long way towards achieving the 5:1 ratio.
Thanks so much,
Adam
drsheck | Jul 23, 2010 | Reply
Fantastic adam, 60 comments is a GREAT achievement!
Very interesting stats you’ve put in this post, I didn’t know most of this.
I was 32 when I got married. My father was 9 years older than my mother and got divorced.
The other stats, I can’t comment on as I don’t have any experience with them.
Thanks Adam
Gavin
Gavin Mountford | Jul 23, 2010 | Reply
Gavin,
Thanks so much. Actually, it’s 30 comments and 30 replies by myself, but I’m totally thrilled with the huge number of people responding to this post! I’m hoping to sustain their interest through the weeks and months and longer. Glad you’re learning a few things from my blog and I look forward to learning more from you as well.
Take care,
Adam
drsheck | Jul 23, 2010 | Reply
Hey Adam,
Great post my friend. It today’s society I believe we can ‘get out of’ marriage and relationships too easy. I believe that people think it is supposed to be easy and all happy. That is not the case, it is work and hard work even sometimes. I know that love is not enough and live by the biblical principles of Ephesians 5:33 which is the ultimate blueprint of marriage. An excellent book on this top is…
Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires, the Respect He Desperately Needs
By: Dr. Emerson Eggerichs
Thanks for sharing this with us all.
Make it a great day!
God Bless,
-ed
Edward | Jul 23, 2010 | Reply
Ed,
I agree with you, people have been trained to seek the “easy out” when the going gets rough. That doesn’t serve us in ANY situation, especially in relationships which are really there to support us for those times when the going gets rough. Thanks for the book suggestion, I’ll put it on my list to check out.
Peace,
Adam
drsheck | Jul 23, 2010 | Reply
Hmm, interesting thoughts here. Maybe I’m an idealist, but I think that love IS enough. I just think most people aren’t really connected to everything that love entails. Not just loving our partners, both their strengths and their weaknesses and the places where we can meet and assist one another, but loving ourselves. Making all our decisions from a place of love, something that is not always the easiest of options, would really change everything. But yes, that’s the idealist in me talking, I know.
Thanks Adam, I look forward to your next post…when I read the 3 C’s, I instantly thought Communication. My vote is for the 4 C’s!
Beth Allen | Jul 23, 2010 | Reply
Beth,
Nothing wrong with being an idealist, we need more of them on the planet! AND, couples need to be taught more tools for creating intimacy and connection with each other, so that they can more fully SHARE their love. If their love is blocked or can’t be expressed, then how can it be experienced?
Take care,
Adam
drsheck | Jul 23, 2010 | Reply
Dr. this is some interesting statistics you have cited here. I guess if more people were aware of the 5:1 ratio they would make a conscious effort to achieve it. Now your 3 c’s surprised me. I was positive that communication would be amongst them looking forward to that post.
Brenda | Jul 23, 2010 | Reply
Brenda,
You are not the only one that has suggested communication. It’s an important tool for sure, it’s just not a QUALITY! More will be revealed this week on my next blog post on teh 3 C’s!
Thanks so much for commenting,
Adam
drsheck | Jul 23, 2010 | Reply
whoo…23 years and holding – we don’t fall into any of those stats…even though I am a bad communicator
Tim Somers | Jul 23, 2010 | Reply
Tim,
Congratulations on 23 years! If not communication, PLEASE, what IS your secret?
Thanks,
Adam
drsheck | Jul 23, 2010 | Reply
“There is extensive research that couples that have a ratio of five positive interactions for every one negative interaction are significantly more likely to stay together.”
So very true! I am looking forward to further posts on this Adam!
Kevin M. | Jul 23, 2010 | Reply
Kevin,
Glad you enjoyed it. I’m working on the new post right now!
Adam
drsheck | Jul 24, 2010 | Reply
This post was an eye-opener! Much reflection and assessing will be done. I need a LASTING marriage on my resume!
Thanks for the info!
Dewane Mutunga | Aug 3, 2010 | Reply
Dewane,
So glad to make you think and reflect. Can’t ask for much more than that. Keep me posted on your epiphanies!
Adam
drsheck | Aug 6, 2010 | Reply