The 3 C’s of Relationship: Chemistry, Compatibility & Commitment
By drsheck on Jul 24, 2010 in Articles, Relationship, Romance, Sexuality
In working with couples over the last twenty years, it seems like the ingredients we wish to include in our recipe for a long-term relationship are: Chemistry, Compatibility and Commitment.
Each of us expresses these ingredients to varying degrees and we give them different importance and priority. However, to be truly happy over the long haul, we need to create some kind of balance.
CHEMISTRY is that intangible, unspoken, energetic that results in those incredible feelings of romance, longing, lust and sexual excitement. We all want to experience that relationship chemistry. Is it genetic, caused by the proper DNA match or is it psychologically based? Or is it perhaps some combination of the two or something else entirely? Does anyone know how it really is created or is it more a “we know it when we feel it” sort of thing? Whatever it is, WE WANT IT!
COMPATIBILITY is the key to sustaining a relationship over the long haul. It provides the qualities that bond us over the ups and downs of life, that keep us going. It’s the quality that makes life a little sweeter for us. It can include the areas of well-matched interests, common backgrounds, and similar values. Even though sharing common beliefs is important, it is even MORE important to be accepting and tolerant of our partner and our DIFFERENCES. That is truly what makes us compatible.
COMMITMENT is that attitude, that decision, that choice that gives us a sense of security and permanence. It gives us a perspective, so that when the going gets tough, we remember WHY we are together and it gives us the strength to keep on keeping on. We have created a “shared vision” of our relationship and we take the steps necessary to stay true to that vision. This is TRULY what commitment is.
Each of us in stronger or more dominant in one of the three C’s. One may be a higher priority for us. One may be more crucial and touch us in a deeper place. The absence of one may be a “dealbreaker” for us, while the absence of a different one may be the issue for our partner.
The stereotypes, of course, are that men are more into the relationship chemistry and that women are more into the relationship commitment. While there may be truth to this, I find that my couples counseling practice reveals to me MANY exceptions to these generalizations. In fact, I just started seeing three new couples last week and in all three (heterosexual) couples, one of the biggest issues is that the wife wants more sex than the husband!
And certainly, we all want someone who we are compatible with. Yet, compatibility without relationship chemistry is like living with a roommate. Which is fine if that’s what you choose to do. Many couples come to see me because they are living this way, and want it to be different. They want to get back to that honeymoon, passionate stage. And I help the majority of them to accomplish this!
One major tool that I utilize, is the fourth ‘C’ which is COMMUNICATION! But I’ll save that for another post.
In the meantime, what is YOUR dominant ‘C’ and how do you negotiate the 3 C’s with YOUR partner? Please comment below and let me know.
Thanks so much,
Dr. Adam Sheck
If you’d really like to have more relationship chemistry, compatibility and commitment, download my Free Special Report, “20 Rituals For Romance!” at www.freepassiontips.com
Poly-Friendly Professionals 
The info was right on time! My girlfriend is moving in in a few weeks.
Lol,I have lots to learn, thank you for sharing your wisdom.
Have a great day!
Joe
Joe Malinowski | Jul 25, 2010 | Reply
Joe,
Timing is EVERYTHING! So glad I can be of help. You might want to check out my free, monthly Passion 101 Newsletter as well.
Take care,
Adam
drsheck | Jul 25, 2010 | Reply
Hi Adam,
I agree with those 3(4) points are important.
Chemistry can sometimes cloud our judgements and being conscious of the other point, especially when we are younger.
Values, to me is very important, therefore it helps to be aware of our own values even before chemistry kicks in.
Love and Light
from
Yorinda
Yorinda | Jul 26, 2010 | Reply
Yorinda,
Thanks for your feedback. Value ARE important, yet sometimes the chemistry “kicks in” before we get a chance to compare them with our new partner and we get a little lost.
Adam
drsheck | Jul 26, 2010 | Reply
Great article Adam. I agree that all three are necessary. My husband and I have benefited so much from courses like Warrior Sage’s Sex, Passion and Enlightenment, which have helped us keep the chemistry alive. We had the commitment and decent compatibility, but neither of us want to live as roommates. Somehow I suspect all couples feel less happy than if they were truly roommates, because they know at some level that something is missing.
Thanks again for the great relationship information!
Jacqueline Green | Jul 26, 2010 | Reply
Jacqueline,
Satyen’s work is pretty cool, based on David Deida, who I love and who has influenced my work as well.
Thanks,
Adam
drsheck | Jul 26, 2010 | Reply
Hmmm? I think me an my husband are dominant in compatibility. Is that what you were asking? He is very pragmatic and logical and I am just way out there some times so we keep each other grounded and creative at the same time. Some days it is down right frustrating, but mostly good.
Nicole Rushin | Jul 26, 2010 | Reply
Nicole,
Thanks for the feedback. Sounds to me like you are strong in commitment and that’s how you’re able to negotiate your complementary differences. Doesn’t matter as much what we call it though, as you two are DOING IT!
Thanks again,
Adam
drsheck | Jul 26, 2010 | Reply
You’re right on but I would like to add that through ones own personal development is the key. You have to love yourself first before you can be in love with someone else.
Michael
Michael Berry | Jul 26, 2010 | Reply
Michael,
I totally agree with you, you must bring a whole person to the relationship, as best you can. That is necessary, yet it still doesn’t guarantee a balance between the 3 C’s or a good relationship.
Adam
drsheck | Jul 26, 2010 | Reply
Adam, what an interesting post. Fortunately my wife and I got all three C’s nailed solid. We often just talk to each other about how comfortable we are with each other. Love without the C’s for a foundation struggles. Again Adam a great post for everybody.
Nelson | Jul 27, 2010 | Reply
Nelson,
Congratulations on having such a great marriage and balancing the 3 C’s! Any secrets to share besides talking often (which is a great one)?
Thanks for sharing,
Adam
drsheck | Jul 27, 2010 | Reply
I must confess Dr. Adam that there were times that I took my wife for granted. She is the mosat wonderful woman and I now gives thanks daily for having her in my life.
It can be hard sometimes to maintain the chemistry when you’re both running around like headless chickens so a ‘date night’ (thank you America for that!) is a great thing.
Commitment, for me, is beginning with the end in mind. I know in my heart and soul that there is no-one else for me so there are never any distractions.
Great post, thank you.
Howard Hughes | Jul 27, 2010 | Reply
Howard,
Thanks for sharing your tips AND your vulnerability. Keeping the end in mind is a great one, as is “date night”. Gratitude and appreciation are also so important, that I am creating a whole new program just about that.
Thanks again,
Adam
drsheck | Jul 27, 2010 | Reply
I loved your comment about shared vision. I think this ingredient is missing far too often. It seems as though many people have a partner that they love but they live very separate lives. There doesn’t seem to be any common goals or vision for their lives.
Perhaps I’m mistaken in this, but it seems to be a common theme among many people I know.
Thanks for sharing your great insights.
Live with passion and purpose,
Vanessa
Vanessa | Jul 27, 2010 | Reply
Vanessa,
So glad you enjoyed the post. Yes, the idea of “shared vision” is so important that I did a separate post on it awhile back. Check it out if you haven’t already.
Thanks for sharing,
Adam
drsheck | Jul 27, 2010 | Reply
Excellent article Adam! Gosh, I’m thinking commitment must be my most dominant (well both of us) because it’s like a “given” – something that’s just there and not questioned?? and I’m probably not explaining it right.
I like what you say about Compatability (it’s that acceptance of the differences that is key). Like my husband and I are compatible but at the same time we’re so different. The biggest thing is that I need my space and need that alone time while he doesn’t so that creates conflict because he misunderstands why and thinks it’s him.
And Oh yes, Chemistry – the light that sparks the fire
I personally think it’s either there or it’s not and you can’t force it. But then again because “life gets in the way”, we too often neglect the romantic part of the relationship so something you definitely need to work on. I think that’s why you see a lot of couples separate after 25+ of marriage. Once the kids are gone and it’s just the 2 of you, if that chemistry you had in the beginning is now gone and you don’t rekindle…
Sorry for my long-winded comment
Good stuff! Thanks, Laura
Laura Paulson | Jul 27, 2010 | Reply
Laura,
Thanks for such a long and thoughtful comment. Compatible doesn’t mean we are identical. In fact, it’s quite often the case that we are attracted to someone who complements us more. It is the differences between us that force us to grow and stretch. Chemistry IS an interesting one. You can’t force it, yet like a garden, if it’s not tended, it will die. If it’s not too late, it CAN be resuscitated, which is what I do with many couples.
Thanks again,
Adam
drsheck | Jul 27, 2010 | Reply
Hi Dr. Adam,
Your blog took me by surprise. I was expecting all the TSA members to be internet marketers.
Your comments are interesting. I have been married for 40 years and the 4th C is what keeps it all together…communication…you lose that nothing else will work…thanks for sharing.
rebecc
rebecca russell | Jul 27, 2010 | Reply
Rebecca,
Forty years! Now YOU should be writing my blog for me. Please, let me know more of your tips. I think I’m going to write a post full of the tips from long-term couples such as yourself.
Thanks so much and congratulations,
Adam
drsheck | Jul 28, 2010 | Reply
Adam,
Another great post that opens the door to deeper thoughts on any relationship. I would say that chemistry brought us together. Then compatibility and building on the chemistry came form that.
The commitment has deepened as we move deeper into the relationship. Key points have always been communication, trust and letting go of old “knee-jerk” reactions.
I agree that loving and accepting yourself is first in creating any lasting relationships. I know how this made a huge difference for me.
Love your discussion topics,
Val
Val Wilcox | Jul 28, 2010 | Reply
Val,
You make some great points. I think that letting go of our reactivity, the “knee-jerk” reaction is a big part of couples counseling. Our brains are so wired for “survival” that we have to over-ride this until new habits are created.
Thanks so much,
Adam
drsheck | Jul 28, 2010 | Reply
Hi Adam,
Great post. Do agree that these ingredients will make for a relationship that is more likely to stand the test of time and to also be fulfilling for both persons. Have also been wondering if our choices for relationships and even the pattern of our interactions within them are not made at a soul level, and that relationships from that perspective are very much a learning ground for us to grow from. Would you agree? This has seemed like a theme in my life and relationships certainly. Off course i would not deny or underplay the power we have individually and in relationship to choose to shift our patterns, to create what we want to communicate more transparently and to live from out of a shared vision.
Thanks for the great insights,
Johneal
Johneal Rouse | Jul 29, 2010 | Reply
Johneal,
I completely believe that long-term, committed relationships are the vehicle that allows us to grow, mature and become better human beings. Psychologically this makes total sense. And since the roots of psychology come from “psyche” which is spirit/soul, I believe that there is a huge spiritual component to it all as well.
Thanks for sharing,
Adam
drsheck | Jul 30, 2010 | Reply
This is a great article, Adam. It’s so easy to get overwhelmed by chemistry and let all those other things fly out the window. But if a relationship is going to weather the storms of the long-haul, those other C’s are just as important. Thanks for sharing such great insights.
Debbie Stevens | Jul 30, 2010 | Reply
Debbie,
Glad you got something from it. While we all favor one part or another, it’s really the balance that’s important over the long haul.
Adam
drsheck | Jul 30, 2010 | Reply
great post adam, although i can’t decide which C is more dominant in my marriage. we’re very strong in “compatibility” and really enjoy each other’s company and doing activities together. right now i’m waiting for him to wrap up a call so we can jog together. i can’t wait to learn more about communication!
Melissa McCloud | Jul 31, 2010 | Reply
Melissa,
Glad your marriage is doing so well and you’re enjoying my blog.
Take care,
Adam
drsheck | Jul 31, 2010 | Reply
Commitment is a MUST, Compatibility is KEY, and Chemistry can be developed. Communication is the pulse of any relationship.
Dewane Mutunga | Aug 3, 2010 | Reply
Michael,
Congratulations on having such a great marriage. Don’t forget, there MUST be that ’1′ in the ratio! Negative must be expressed sometimes and not bottled up.
Take care,
Adam
drsheck | Aug 5, 2010 | Reply
Dewane,
You’ve GOT it!
Adam
drsheck | Aug 6, 2010 | Reply
I love this article. Thank you for publishing this and helping in general people understand that what you have at the core of your marriage/relationship with someone! Great post!
Nicole Moulton | Apr 16, 2012 | Reply
Thanks Nicole, I’m glad the post made sense to you.
drsheck | Apr 17, 2012 | Reply