Get Your Man To Share His Feelings
By drsheck on Aug 22, 2010 in Articles, Communication, Relationship
During my August “Ask Adam” Teleseminar (click for replay), one of the questions I was asked was “How can I get my guy to open up and share his feelings?” It’s a frustrating question that I am asked many times in my psychotherapy practice by singles and in couples counseling as well.
Let me share a few tips that might help make this happen. For a man (or a woman for that matter) to open up about their emotions and share his feelings, there definitely needs to be trust and safety in the relationship. This may take time and “baby step” experiences of opening up to develop. And, if there is any history of betrayal from the past, including early childhood issues, this may be even more challenging .
That being said, you CAN increase the likelihood of getting your man to share his feelings by taking the following steps:
1. Don’t push for him to share his feelings! This usually gets the opposite result in men and they will dig in even deeper. Just create a positive environment for what IS shared. This will create safety.
2. Positive reinforcement is the key. Like training a dog (which is perhaps a good metaphor here), you need to give us rewards for those baby steps in opening up and sharing.
3. Be interested and curious about what your partner has to share. Don’t have an agenda about what subjects are to be shared or communicated. Let it flow organically.
4. Express appreciation and gratitude for what IS shared. We all want to be admired for stretching beyond our comfort zone and need the kudos. Again, this is positive reinforcement for when he DOES share his feelings.
5. Be sensitive in how you respond to what is shared. Any feeling of judgment or negative reaction, any defensiveness, will most likely shut him down in these early stages of sharing. Remember, you ASKED for it, so be prepared, in case you hear things that you don’t necessarily enjoy hearing.
6. Finally, initiate these conversations with a “soft startup.” This is a term defined by Dr. John Gottman, a well-respected relationship researcher. One of the major indicators of a successful relationship is beginning a conversation with kindness, acceptance, compassion and caring.
In general, women are much better at the “soft startup” than men, so if you want the conversation to go in a positive direction, be aware of this and take responsibility for creating it. Keep in mind that discussions in general end on a similar emotional tone as the tone they begin on.
This is also a great tip for conflict resolution with your partner, as men are much more likely to share their feelings when there is conflict going on. Gottman’s research indicates that 96% of the time that a communication involves a “soft start” it ends with a positive resolution. Pretty good odds, don’t you think?
Some tips for the “soft startup” are:
• Select a relatively stress-free time in the day.
• Start off the discussion with a positive statement.
• Use “I” statements to avoid the feeling of blame.
• Show appreciation for your partner if any progress is made. Again, positive reinforcement is crucial.
• If either of you becomes too triggered, consider a time-out to cool down and continue the discussion later.
To clarify this last statement, while it’s good to vent, it is better to vent to a friend or a therapist. To be even more precise, it’s good for YOU to vent, but venting about your partner TO your partner is NOT very good for your relationship!
I’ve presented a lot of information here and I hope that it will be helpful. Test it out and please post your comments on how it works for you. And please SHARE this with your friends as well so that they can understand how to get a man to share his feelings.
Thank you so much,
Dr. Adam Sheck
If you’d really like to help your man to share his feelings, please download my Free Special Report, “20 Rituals For Romance!” at www.freepassiontips.com
Poly-Friendly Professionals 
thanks for answering a proverbial question dr adam! i used to think that women and men were so different that it’s amazing we even get together! i understand now that i can depend on my sister and girlfriends to chit chat with and vent to, so that i don’t rely 100% on my husband to sit through all of my heart-to-hearts… then, when i do want to converse deeply with him, it’s not over-played or exhausting.
Melissa McCloud | Aug 24, 2010 | Reply
Melissa,
You are VERY wise to have your friends and family to vent with. I’m sure your husband appreciates it deeply and shows you
Take care,
Adam
drsheck | Aug 24, 2010 | Reply
My wife just takes my “Mouse” away until I show more attention. It always works out. I always get my mouse back with a bonus. You gotta figure that one out.
Nelson | Aug 24, 2010 | Reply
Nelson,
So glad that your wife figured it out (which is probably why you’ve been happy together for so long)! Just have to know: is your mouse wireless or does it have a “tail” ?
Take care,
Adam
drsheck | Aug 24, 2010 | Reply
A must read for every woman Adam,
Thanks for sharing…the best thing I can ever do is spread the word.:D
To your success,
~kebabope morapedi
kebabope | Aug 25, 2010 | Reply
Keba,
Thanks so much for spreading the word!
Adam
drsheck | Aug 25, 2010 | Reply
Hi Adam
Very good article. I am in my second marriage and learned all of these lessons “the hard way” from number one. We have great communication thank goodness, but can always improve.. Thanks for pointing out some of the things I need to remember like never discussing important matters at the wrong time of day like late at night. The soft opening makes all the difference, as does using “I”.
Thanks for all you do
Laura & Larry Morris
Laura Morris | Aug 25, 2010 | Reply
Laura,
Yes, unfortunately, most of us learn the HARD WAY! That’s really what my work is about, trying to help couples avoid a little bit of the pain along the way to figuring it all out. So happy it’s working out this time for you and that you’re getting something from my posts as well.
Thanks so much,
Adam
drsheck | Aug 25, 2010 | Reply
Debbie,
Yes, that’s a great suggestion to “take breaks” when things get too intense. It’s tricky, as sometimes a partner will use that as an excuse to “runaway” but it is important. Great suggestion and one I will add to the list.
Thanks so much,
Adam
drsheck | Aug 26, 2010 | Reply
Wow, you make some good points here Adam, getting a dude to open up about his true feelings can be a difficult task sometimes. I know I am kind of thick headed about that stuff sometimes, but it really just comes down to a mutual understanding of each other in the end.
Matthew Neer | Aug 26, 2010 | Reply
Matthew,
Glad you got something from the post. Dude, we are ALL thick-headed, that’s why I wrote the post!
Adam
drsheck | Aug 26, 2010 | Reply
I guess I’ve been using the soft startup, not realizing it was a named technique.
Statements starting with “I” help start conversation, and I think it’s important to choose a time/place for having a discussion. I find it interesting that you mentioned men tend to share feelings when there is conflict. I hadn’t thought about that atmosphere being the stimulus to a man sharing.
I dislike conflict, so the soft startup tips resonate with me. I’m grateful that my husband and I make communication a priority. That doesn’t mean it’s always smooth sailing, but our relationship is stronger because we both are committed to open communication.
As usual, great advice, Dr. Sheck.
Jennifer Akers | Aug 26, 2010 | Reply
Jennifer,
Glad I could give you a little bit of insight. Sounds like you and your husband have your priorities and commitments in a good place for your relationship to keep flourishing!
Thanks so much,
Adam
drsheck | Aug 26, 2010 | Reply
Hi Adam,
So much great advice here. My late husband and I learned a lot of the things you are sharing here by trial and error. Not fun sometimes, but we did finally get there.
One thing you didn’t mention but seemed to work well for my late husband was to break the talking into small sessions and let him go “fidget” for awhile in between sessions. He said it broke up the intensity and made it more manageable for him. As always, great stuff here. Thanks.
Debbie Stevens | Aug 26, 2010 | Reply
Great Post Adam. Great advice, we have gone through a lot of up’s and downs with our feelings and past triggers where we have had to find that happy ground where you can share with each other without heading down the crazy cycle. I always say communication is key in any great relationship. Thank you so much for your suggestions.
Julie Elliott | Aug 26, 2010 | Reply
Julie,
Thanks so much for sharing. It’s not so easy when you “get on the train to Crazytown” which is why these techniques can keep you from going there more often than not.
Thanks again,
Adam
drsheck | Aug 26, 2010 | Reply
Adam, Great thought provoking post. I agree with you that women are often much better at the soft startup. However, there is a caveat here. Women are often good at getting their man to talk – and then when he opens his mouth and tells her his current truth, if it is not what she WANTS to hear, she may lose her soft start up and become an attacker. Even if she is speaking quietly, if there is judgment, put down, anger, resistance or invalidation of his sharing, he may decide it is not “safe” and close down again. This is a common relationship dynamic I have seen.
Dr. Erica Goodstone | Aug 26, 2010 | Reply
Erica,
You are certainly correct. However, if there is no soft start, then we KNOW that we will most likely never get to the truth and the intimacy and the connection. Sometimes a couple needs the support of a professional third party when they can’t self-regulate and contain their emotions because of challenging issues. That’s where WE come in.
Thanks so much,
Adam
drsheck | Aug 27, 2010 | Reply
Hey Dr.Adam,
Another great way for women to get a guy to open up about his feelings is to understand the personality colors and go for a guy that’s a “yellow”
In Success,
Howie Perks
Howie Perks | Aug 27, 2010 | Reply
Howie,
I’m not quite sure what that means, but I’d love to learn more. Though what happens to all of the partners who are other frequencies in the spectrum? Leaves a lot of people out!
Adam
drsheck | Aug 27, 2010 | Reply
Hey Adam a slightly light hearted comment. If you don’t want to be disappointed gals don’t ask your man what he’s thinking! He’s probably NOT.
We’re wired differently and express differently many of the male species feel uncomfortable communicating in words that which makes them vulnerable and pushing can case mutual frustration.
For what its worth if you can get your partner to listen and be attentive that’s where the magic lies and for the most part leading the way in this regard usually gets reciprocated
cheers kiaran
kiaran | Aug 27, 2010 | Reply
Kiaran,
Good advice, you’ve make a lot of sense. Happy to hear any other tips you might care to share.
Thanks,
Adam
drsheck | Aug 27, 2010 | Reply
Hi Adam,
great tips.
Will put them on a shelf for when I am ready for a relationship.
Or better even put them into what I focus on when I am ready to ask for one to be prepared and remember,and then attract it.
Positive Reinforcement is very powerful.
Thank you so much.
Yorinda
Yorinda | Aug 27, 2010 | Reply
Yorinda,
Keep it in your consciousness and it will be available when you’re ready to make it happen! So glad to help.
YOU inspire me,
Adam
drsheck | Aug 27, 2010 | Reply
Whoa! This is a lot of information here, Adam. I wonder if the soft start up will also work for getting my husband to un-load the dishwasher. Do you have any tips for that? LOL! I like tip number two and not because you mention the dog but because It makes sense that if someone has had their hands slapped for opening up in the past it is going to be hard for them to open up again. Gees, men are so sensitive. What is a gal to do?
Nicole Rushin | Aug 28, 2010 | Reply
Nicole,
You are TOO funny! Men ARE sensitive, which is why we act so insensitively to mask it. Actually, from a deeper psychological aspect, men are shame-based, so anytime their partner wants to have a conversation, they/we feel that we’ve done something wrong and it triggers our shame and we go on the defense. But that’s a topic for another day.
Adam
drsheck | Aug 28, 2010 | Reply
I have a biggie I would like to share. Now I realize that you can not force anyone to do anything and it be effective. Get your man into personal development. You can do this by getting involved in a personal development program yourself. He will then possibly see the changes in you and request more information. Change yourself first if you want to see positive changes in him.
From a man’s point of view,
Michael
Michael Berry | Aug 28, 2010 | Reply
Michael,
I would agree with you, the more we work on ourselves, the more our partners will either “shape up or ship out”. Couples that don’t grow together, rarely stay together.
Adam
drsheck | Aug 28, 2010 | Reply
Adam,
Great info on sharing feelings. These ideas are great for any situation where people are communicating and looking for connection with others.
Approaching subjects from a point of compassion and understanding is always the best way. If people are comfortable, they are more likely to open up.
Thanks,
~ Pat and Lorna
http://TheCoolestCouple.com
Pat and Lorna Shanks | Aug 28, 2010 | Reply
P&L,
Thanks for sharing. I would agree, comfort and compassion are too biggies to create a space for deep communication (another 3 C’2!).
Take care,
Adam
drsheck | Aug 28, 2010 | Reply
Hello Adam
Excellent points, I especially like the “soft startup”
Recently I had a kidney stone (ouch) and my family told me I was never more loving than when I was on the pain pills.
Now I am not suggesting anything
Peter
Peter Fuller MBA | Aug 28, 2010 | Reply
Peter,
TOO funny! Though I must admit, that last year after a surgery, I was on some pain meds for a week and my students and interns REALLY liked me more that week
Take care,
Adam
drsheck | Aug 29, 2010 | Reply
I so agree with the dog training. It’s worked like a charm. I’m always aware not to make it too obvious, but he never seems to catch on that I’m “patting him on the head”. He just totally loves it.
Great tip.
Debbie Lattuga | Sep 3, 2010 | Reply
Debbie,
Men are pretty simple or at least I am! We want to be trained and want you to be happy. Win-win!
Take care,
Adam
drsheck | Sep 3, 2010 | Reply