How Do You Manage Conflict?
By drsheck on Aug 1, 2010 in Communication, Relationship
When I’m counseling couples I always want to know how they manage conflict in their relationship. Couples come in all shapes and sizes. Yet there seem to be three basic interactional styles. There are three basic ways that couples manage conflict. Let’s find out which one you might be!
In no particular order, the three styles to manage conflict are:
1. Volatile: This is the high conflict, in-your-face, argumentative couple that fight all the time. They have higher energy, higher volume and higher passion in their expression.
2. Avoider: This couple will minimize conflict as much as possible. They will interact, just not about any subject that could prove to be contentious. They don’t believe in being openly angry.
3. Validator: I jokingly call this, the “therapized couple” which are the kind that newly licensed couples therapist seem to think are the “best” kind of couple to work with. They remain calm, listen, make sure that both sides are heard and appreciated as a way to manage conflict. They tend to search for the compromise.
So, which style of couple are you: Volatile, Avoider or Validator? And does it even matter?
The TRUTH according to the research of highly respected couples pioneer, John Gottman, Ph.D. is NO, it doesn’t matter! Gottman’s research indicates that couples of all three styles of conflict resolution are equally stable across time, provided that the couple has a ratio of positive to negative interactions of 5:1.
I can certainly vouch for this, as one of my daughter’s best friend’s parents have spent the last twenty years screaming at each other, getting out their frustrations and passions and have successfully raised three children and are still going strong.
What do you think about this? Please comment and let me know.
Thanks so much,
Dr. Adam Sheck
If you’d like to know more about ways to manage conflict and have more passion in your relationship, download my Free Special Report, “20 Rituals For Romance!” at www.freepassiontips.com
Poly-Friendly Professionals 
Hmmm? I think my husband mostly waits out my storms as I progress through all three phases on my own. And he hates my analytical psychobabble as he calls it, but he knows I am right just won’t agree with me while he is thinking. So, where does all this fit in? Still not clear. I love your insight into the matter anyway. Thanks so much for sharing.
Nicole Rushin | Aug 1, 2010 | Reply
Nicole,
Thanks for your thoughts. Sounds like you’ve got your husband well-trained in the ways that count
Take care,
Adam
drsheck | Aug 2, 2010 | Reply
Adam – That is very interesting! I was immediately looking for the option that would be perceived as “correct”. When in fact every couple works things out in a way that best suits them – so there is no “right way” to go about it. Great info!
Glyna Humm | Aug 2, 2010 | Reply
Glyna,
You’re absolutely correct. There’s no “right or wrong” just what works for the couple.
Thanks,
Adam
drsheck | Aug 2, 2010 | Reply
I totally agree! It doesn’t matter how we, as couples, get along, as long as we are committed to work it out! My husband and I are for the most part, calm and patient, listening to each other. I have happily married friends who are much more demanding yet they are equally forgiving! It all works out!
~Linda
Linda G. Cox | Aug 2, 2010 | Reply
Linda,
Yes, it takes all types of couples to make the world go ’round! As long as they are both on the same page, it can work out. When they have different conflict styles, then it can be problematic.
Thanks for sharing,
Adam
drsheck | Aug 2, 2010 | Reply
Hi Adam,
Great post, I have to say that having been in my relationship for 13 years now which started when I was just 16 Yikes lol. I have definitely experienced all of the different relationship styles above.
I hope the majority of the time we have now settled in the Validator stage although I can see some other attributes resurfacing every now and again, which I guess is cool too.
Thanks for this cool perspective on relationships. I love reading your posts.
Beth
Beth Hewitt | Aug 2, 2010 | Reply
Beth,
Glad you enjoyed the post and can relate to it. I always wonder if relationships that start when we are relatively young last because we bond early and don’t have as much to compare to or if there are other reasons. Any insights into this?
Thanks,
Adam
drsheck | Aug 2, 2010 | Reply
Hi Adam, met you through TSA. Thanks for this posting it is great. You have giving my wife and I something to really think about. We are calm most of the time and mostly always on the same page. We very seldom have arguments, we have mostly minor disagreements. When we have disagreements we sit and talk it through listening to each other. The one with the best reasoning to the problem usually is right and if there is still a difference of opinion we decide that we both are right and let it go. I guess this makes us the validator couple. Which style of couple are we?
Thanks again.
~ Corneal
Corneal Carter | Aug 3, 2010 | Reply
Corneal,
Sounds like you are a validator. Sounds like you have found the perfect way to resolve conflict between the two of you and THAT is what is truly important.
Thanks so much for sharing,
Adam
drsheck | Aug 3, 2010 | Reply
Hi Adam,
The interesting thing about my husband and I was that I was more the volatile style and he was more the avoider. That was a difficult combination for us to work through, but we did. I totally agree that the most important thing is to have more positive to negative interactions. As always, thanks for sharing, oh wise one!
Debbie Stevens | Aug 3, 2010 | Reply
Debbie,
Now THAT is a tough combination to negotiate, the volatile/avoider! Must be a tremendous amount of love and commitment to work it all through. Congratulations.
Take care,
Adam
drsheck | Aug 3, 2010 | Reply
I would be prone to think the volatile style erodes a relationship but I guess I was wrong. As far as my relationship, I think I have a mixed balance of all three.
Thanks!
Dewane Mutunga | Aug 3, 2010 | Reply
Dewane,
I know, the research seems counterintuitive, but there you have it! Balance is a good thing.
Take care,
Adam
drsheck | Aug 3, 2010 | Reply
My husband is an avoider, while I tend to bounce between volatile and avoidance. He’s probably happier when I’m in an avoidance phase, but all in all the only things I ever blow up about have nothing to do with our personal relationship. I’d say we have 50 or more positive interactions to every disagreement.
Thanks for the post. Makes me think about how I cope with stresses and what my sweetheart receives from me as a result.
Live with passion and purpose,
Vanessa
Vanessa | Aug 3, 2010 | Reply
Vanessa,
So glad I’ve given you something to think about. Keep up the good work in your marriage!
Adam
drsheck | Aug 5, 2010 | Reply
Hey Adam I love the 5:1 ratio of positive to negative interaction and obviously the higher the better. My wife and I must be at least 100:1 it’s a blessing.
Thanks,
Michael
Michael Berry | Aug 5, 2010 | Reply
Hi Adam,
thank you for your post. I used to avoid conflict. I am really glad that I did have the experience of the validator relationship. It gave me hope that communication is possible even if there is conflict.
Have a great day!
Yorinda
Yorinda | Aug 5, 2010 | Reply
Yorinda,
Thanks so much for sharing! Yes, communication is not only possible, but mandatory for a good relationship!
Take care,
Adam
drsheck | Aug 5, 2010 | Reply
Thanks Adam…I really like the 5:1 ratio concept. I am seriously going to keep that in mind. I have always found it simple to do with my kids but harder with my wife…mostly because life is very busy and we spend an awful lot of time on just figuring out how to make things practically work in our home etc…. So we spend most of the time in neutral territory but I need to keep in mind this 5:1 ratio. It will be nice for my wife if I do…I’m sure…probably way more important because we are so busy. Thanks so very much!
Bruce Backman | Aug 6, 2010 | Reply
Bruce,
So glad to have reminded you just a little bit more, to make your marriage a priority. Keep that in mind and you’ll be fine.
Take care,
Adam
drsheck | Aug 6, 2010 | Reply
Adam, Great post. It isn’t the type of interactions that matter so much as how each person in the relationship feels about it. If one is volatile and the other is avoidant, that can become a huge problem. If one is validating and the other avoids or becomes volatile and insulting, that can lead to huge problems. I think the most important two qualities are commitment and love. If both people know that each is commmitted and if both people feel they love and are loved, then their style of conflict will not matter much.
Dr. Erica Goodstone | Aug 6, 2010 | Reply
Erica,
Very true. Clashing conflict styles signal a problem. Compatible/consistent styles make it easier to flow. As you say, commitment is the key.
Thanks for your thoughts,
Adam
drsheck | Aug 6, 2010 | Reply
Hmmm “The Volatile” seems to be were we fall – don’t like it and don’t think much gets accomplished – wonder how the kids will look back on their childhood…
Tim Somers | Aug 7, 2010 | Reply
Tim,
Again, it’s not the “volatile” that’s the problem as much as the 5:1 ratio of positive to negative. That being said, if you’d like to change the “volatile” there are certainly techniques to learn better self-regulation. Happy to help if I can.
Wish you the best,
Adam
drsheck | Aug 7, 2010 | Reply
Oh my Adam –
Well, it took me some thinking to pinpoint this in my situation. We’ve been married for 15 years and we hit all three at different times.
I think we start out with me as the validator and him as the avoider. And whenever that wears thin or fails either of us, the one blows up and the other (being both Taurus) stands their ground and can get just as loud.
I can’t say that the loud times really work for us though … or maybe they do – we’re still standing
!
Thanks for this!
Andrea
Andrea Goodsaid | Aug 13, 2010 | Reply
Andrea,
Thanks so much for your openness in sharing about your marriage. We CAN go through stages and changes over time, no question and sometimes it’s in reaction to changes in our partner. When both partners have the same conflict style AND the 5:1 ratio, that’s the best prognosis. AND, always exceptions to the rule as well. “Still standing” is a great thing!
Adam
drsheck | Aug 13, 2010 | Reply