Relationship Tip: ME Before WE
By drsheck on Aug 15, 2010 in Communication, Relationship
The idea of “me before we” might be a controversial perspective and I’m going to share it anyway. One of the big “Relationship Killers” is the enmeshed relationship where we don’t know where one partner ends and the other begins. Where we really believe that we know the other so well that there are no longer any original thoughts and we can complete each other’s sentences.
While for some this is an ideal, this is the dream relationship, psychologically, it’s not very healthy. And, it’s not very interesting! Where are the surprises? Where is the spontaneity? We might get along well, but where has the PASSION gone?
So, the antidote for this type of relationship is to balance it out with some CONSCIOUS SELFISHNESS! I’m not saying to be disrespectful or break the rules or boundaries you’ve set in your relationship, just that you need to take care of yourself and create an independent life AS WELL as a shared life of partnership. Me before we!
For some of the time, it is good and healthy to put ME before WE! You’ll hear this on every airplane during the first minutes of flight – “If there is a problem and the oxygen masks activate, strap yours on FIRST before helping anyone else.” And those familiar with twelve step programs will also have heard that recovery is a “selfish” program.
There was a book in the 80’s (I’ve been doing this for a long time!) called “Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?” I can’t remember a whole lot about the book, but the title was memorable and PRICELESS!
You NEED to be YOU so that you can LOVE others. And so that when others love YOU, you know whom they are loving! I can’t overemphasize this enough.
And for those of you that protest this, please remember that it’s all about balance. There are also couples that are more emotionally cutoff that need a different solution than this. Yet many will benefit from this advice as well. You know who you are!
Remember: ME before WE! And then the WE has the potential to be so much stronger, more loving and more passionate!
As always, I welcome your comments and appreciate your sharing this post with your friends and colleagues.
Thank you so much,
Dr. Adam Sheck
If you’d like to know more about “me before we”, conscious selfishness and my work with couples, download my Free Special Report, “20 Rituals For Romance!” at www.freepassiontips.com
Poly-Friendly Professionals 
When i was going through my divorce my former husband told me that men like compliant women
(I think he does). I know men who like assertive women who know who they are and are honest in their communication..and yet sometimes i think i am too independent (know who I am too well)as a woman and therefore finding a good man for a relationship is more challenging.
Lee | Aug 15, 2010 | Reply
Lee,
I’m not sure what “too” independent means except that somebody isn’t comfortable with you being you. It IS challenging to have a healthy relationship, so I’d advise you to continue being you, as being somebody else will make it pretty tricky! FYI, I LOVE independent women, but my mother was one, so that was my modeling. Don’t dim your light for anybody!
Adam
drsheck | Aug 15, 2010 | Reply
I wholeheartedly agree and often work with my own clients (and also advise myself!!) to take time between relationships to really get to KNOW THYSELF so you can be a better partner! I have seen women, especially, fall into the trap of becoming what their partner wants them to be. Then down the line discovering the painful truth of their deep unhappiness, end up “blaming it on the partner”, break up and start all over again! This is where the real therapy begins!
Like in Runaway Bride when Richard Gere’s character discovers that Julia’s character seems to like her eggs the way the guy she is with at the time likes them. At the end of the movie, she has a table full of eggs all cooked different ways as she begins to discover herself through how she likes her eggs- ah, permission granted- she is worthy! Then they get married because he shows her how it feels to be loved for exactly who she is…and loves that she has her own thoughts and opinions.
I believe it comes down to how people choose partners. So many choose for the wrong reasons (looks, possessions, lifestyle, etc) vs real connections. The one will “morph” into who they think that person wants them to be.
Self Discovery, Self Worth and Self Nurtuing…so key in attracting and experiencing the passionate relationship we all want!
Great Post, Adam!
Ali | Aug 15, 2010 | Reply
Ali,
Thanks for such a deep, thoughtful post. “To thine own self be true” really is the way to go in relationships. When we’re acting like someone else, we NEVER can fully trust that our partner love the TRUE us, and then where are we?
Thanks so much,
Adam
drsheck | Aug 15, 2010 | Reply
I agree Adam.You have to like or love yourself to be able to love others. This was awesome.
Beverly Monical | Aug 15, 2010 | Reply
Beverly,
Thanks so much, glad it made sense to you.
Adam
drsheck | Aug 15, 2010 | Reply
Adam,
I totally agree with you on this subject. Being an individual in a relationship brings alot more depth. I really like your statements about knowing who you are so you know who others love.
Thanks,
Val
Val Wilcox | Aug 15, 2010 | Reply
Val,
Thanks for sharing your thoughts. If we’re not being ourselves, we fall prey to the “impostor syndrome” and then we can’t trust that our partner truly love US.
Adam
drsheck | Aug 15, 2010 | Reply
Adam – You are absolutely right, and there should be nothing controversial about what you have said here. Even Jesus taught (pulling from the Old Testament scriptures in Leviticus) that we are to “love your neighbor as yourself”. It doesn’t say “more than” or “less than”. It clearly says “AS yourself”. If you don’t love and respect yourself, take time for yourself, take care of yourself, nurture yourself, work on personal growth, then you have absolutely nothing to offer to others — whether it be your partner, your spouse, your friends, your business associates, or anyone else with whom you have any type of relationship.
Love does not have limits. There is no rationing of love in the universe. There is plenty to go around for everyone, including ourselves. Loving ourselves first does not mean there won’t be enough to share with others. I don’t mean narcissism, but truly loving ourselves for what we are. In fact, I believe it increases the amount of love we are able to share with others.
Steve Vernon | Aug 16, 2010 | Reply
Steve,
I LOVE your comment here, thank you so much. I totally agree, there is no scarcity of love. We can love ourselves fully AND there’s plenty of “overflow” love to love others fully as well. In fact, if we don’t love ourselves fully, I’m not sure HOW we could love anyone else without holding something back.
Thanks again,
Adam
drsheck | Aug 16, 2010 | Reply
Easy trap to fall into loving somebody else more than yourself. My wife and I guard against this by giving each other room to grow or fail. We have learned to appreciate each other because we can see what we’re going though. Thanks for the validation of what we are doing.
Nelson | Aug 16, 2010 | Reply
Nelson,
You are SO welcome. Keep up the good work. Giving each other space is essential. AND, I am convinced that APPRECIATION is one of the most healing balms that we can apply in ANY relationship.
Thanks so much,
Adam
drsheck | Aug 16, 2010 | Reply
Hi Adam,
conscious selfishness, that sounds like a great way of describing a healthy way to stay aligned with our Inner Being.
If we are out of Alignment relationships won’t work, because we haven’t got anything to give from Integrity.
I am glad you raised this subject. Thank YOU!
Have a fantastic week.
Yorinda
Yorinda | Aug 16, 2010 | Reply
Yorinda,
So glad you liked and understood the post. It all starts with our connection to self and source and flows from there.
Adam
drsheck | Aug 17, 2010 | Reply
Im a firm believer in that you can’t help or be of any good to others if you don’t help yourself first. It’s easy to lose yourself in the other person when in a relationship, so having quality you time is definitely a necessity.
Dewane Mutunga | Aug 17, 2010 | Reply
Dewane,
Sounds like you’re living it! Thanks so much and I hope you’ll share this post with your friends.
Take care,
Adam
drsheck | Aug 17, 2010 | Reply
Your article reminded me of something. Many weddings that I have attended have a unique candle-lighting ceremony. There are two candles burning on a table at the center of the front of the church. The couple approaches and each take one candle. Simultaneously they use their candles to light a third candle. This is used to symbolize the starting of a new life together.
It seems to me that each partner then blows out their own candle! Wow! Exactly the wrong symbolization for a happy life, as suggested by your post. It seems more realistic to leave three candles burning.
Richard Goutal | Aug 17, 2010 | Reply
Richard,
You make a great point with the candle-lighting ceremony. A candle can SHARE it’s flame without having to extinguish itself. Loving someone allows us ALL to grow, it doesn’t diminish (or extinguish) our own light.
Thanks so much for sharing this,
Adam
drsheck | Aug 17, 2010 | Reply
Thanks for the information. I’m going to take quite a few things from this post and others and use them to make my relationships better. Thanks Again!
Matt
Matt | Aug 17, 2010 | Reply
Matt,
I’m glad you’re able to take some useful things away from my posts. Hope you’ll share them with your friends as well.
Thanks,
Adam
drsheck | Aug 17, 2010 | Reply
Hey Adam,
Thanks for sharing this with us all. It is so true that if we do not take care of ourselves then their is no hope for us to take care of others. I find a lot of people miss take this as selfish but it really is not. How can we help someone else if we are a mess? If this is not understood it can be the death of any relationship.
Make it a great day!
God Bless,
-ed
Edward | Aug 17, 2010 | Reply
Ed,
You GOT it! I’m sure you practice it as well, which is why you’ve got such a great marriage with Julie.
Take care,
Adam
drsheck | Aug 19, 2010 | Reply
Thanks Adam! Always spot on with how we need to be. I’ll take this advice and certainly try to use it my relationship!
Bill Cowan | Aug 19, 2010 | Reply
Bill,
Glad it made sense to you and I look forward to hearing how you will use it.
Thanks,
Adam
drsheck | Aug 19, 2010 | Reply
I agree with you completely you have to be you first. My wife and I complete our thoughts sometimes and this is fun but we have many other times when we’re not totally on the same page and this is fun too.
Thanks for the post,
Michael
Michael Berry | Aug 20, 2010 | Reply
Michael,
Glad your marriage is fun EITHER way!
Thanks for sharing,
Adam
drsheck | Aug 20, 2010 | Reply
Hi Adam,
I think about what you hit on here quite a bit. When you develop that type of connection with someone, it really does require you know and understand yourself.
There are many external influences that can affect you personally and the “we” part as well. Interesting post. You’ve got me thinking again now…
Mike Sweeney
Mike Sweeney | Aug 20, 2010 | Reply
Mike,
So glad that you’re mulling it over. It IS a challenge to find that balance between me and we. Keep me posted on your future thoughts about it!
Thanks,
Adam
drsheck | Aug 20, 2010 | Reply
Hi Adam,
This was my favorite part of your blog post here, “You NEED to be YOU so that you can LOVE others. And so that when others love YOU, you know whom they are loving! I can’t overemphasize this enough.” I also want to add that it is really difficult for us to receive love from others if we don’t love ourselves. I believe that is mostly because we don’t feel worthy or deserving when we don’t love ourselves. Thanks for another great post.
Debbie Stevens | Aug 20, 2010 | Reply
Debbie,
I totally agree with you. Love is an energy and so must flow. If it is blocked either on the giving or receiving end, it IS blocked! They are different issues with different solutions, yet both must be worked out.
Adam
drsheck | Aug 20, 2010 | Reply
Dr. Adam,
Very timely advice! I’m in a relatively new relationship and the WE is incredibly strong. Both of us have been single for quite sometime, so I know the importance of holding fast to ME—but a reminder is always appreciated!
Darlene Davis | Aug 21, 2010 | Reply
Darlene,
You’re in the HONEYMOON stage! It’s a great time for sure, yet until it “wears off” a little bit, I don’t think you’ll be thinking to much about this issue. Enjoy!
Adam
drsheck | Aug 21, 2010 | Reply
Hi Adam,
Your post is right on – I truly believe that it’s not until we can truly recognize that we’re first individuals ~ and even in the closest of relationships, still need “our time” to to do things as individuals ~ and unless this is incorporated into the relationship, we may not experience just how close we could be. Thanks so much for sharing!
Christine
Christine Casey | Aug 21, 2010 | Reply
Christine,
Glad you see the benefits. Yet it’s so much easier to see in somebody else’s relationship, then when we’re in the middle of it!
Take care,
Adam
drsheck | Aug 21, 2010 | Reply
Absolutely Adam,
It’s so sad to see people give up on being themselves just so they can please their other half. We all need time apart as well as together. I love being with my other half, but always value some ‘me’ time
Thanks for sharing this!
Sue
Sue Collier | Aug 21, 2010 | Reply
Sue,
You’re right, it’s the yin and the yang of it. Balance is the key!
Thanks so much,
Adam
drsheck | Aug 21, 2010 | Reply
Adam, I agree with you. In the early phases of a relationship, when the hormones are flowing, we can so easily forget ourselves (our values, needs, goals, dreams). We can put the other person first and forget what we truly want. This is okay to some extent but once that pattern is set it is quite difficult to change. When the hormones settle down, we are left with resentment and we put that into the mix causing the love and caring to dwindle.
The solution is to always remember our own self, me, and balance that with caring about another.
Warmly,
Erica
Dr. Erica Goodstone | Aug 21, 2010 | Reply
Erica,
Thanks for elaborating with your wisdom. In the beginning stage of relationship, the ego boundaries have usually collapsed and we’re this amorphous “us” creature that feels so good. Yet that merger can’t last and as we get back to me, we miss that total sense of we and there begins the dance.
Thanks again,
Adam
drsheck | Aug 21, 2010 | Reply
I totally agree with this. Our main priority should always be to our spiritual health and our ability to love ourselves first. If that self love is not there then we cannot love others. It seems odd but it is true. Thanks for confirming this and sharing this with your clients.
Nicole Rushin | Aug 21, 2010 | Reply
Nicole,
You are spot on in your priorities or at least I agree with you! Connection to self and source needs to exist before we can truly have healthy relationships with others.
Thanks,
Adam
drsheck | Aug 22, 2010 | Reply