My Philosophy Of Couples Counseling
By drsheck on Sep 19, 2010 in Articles, Relationship
Most singles and couples that I treat ask me about my philosophy on relationships and couples counseling. It really is a great question and one that all clients deserve to have answered by their counselors, psychotherapists and coaches.
My beliefs are pretty simple and fairly humble. I’m not some grandiose “expert” who believes that he knows more about the couple than they do. Yes, I DO know a few things and possess a few tools from my training and twenty years of practice in the field of couples counseling. And I AM pretty gifted when it comes to assessing the dynamics of a relationship and translating it into language that EACH partner can understand (I’m sure you’re aware that our partners often speak different languages than we do!).
My philosophy is one of trusting the process. The psyche of the individuals and the collective psyche of the couple know what is best for them. It would be quite presumptuous of me to think that I know what is best for a couple, that I know more than they do about what is right for them.
So, I’m not there to judge or decide what kind of relationship they have or could have. I’m there to put partners into deep connection. I’m there to engage the couple in their own process together, to help them remove what is in the way of clarity and truth, so that they can deal with what needs to be dealt with and decide what needs to be decided.
What I believe is that Couples are seeking connection. They want to feel that connection with each other, that aliveness, that excitement, that sense of well being. It is an emotional, physical and spiritual connection.
So even though it sounds a little strange, I believe that CONFLICT is the motivating force for healing and growth in relationships. I believe the conflict couples experience after the “honeymoon period” of their relationship is actually necessary. Conflict points out where we don’t get our needs met. Unmet needs create a breakdown in connection, destroying the passion and intimacy.
And here is the challenge, as many couples don’t navigate this “power struggle” phase well and eventually break up or settle for a less than satisfying relationship.
To get back to connection couples need Safety and Passion. They want the emotional safety to be themselves, to be open and honest, to feel accepted and understood. With this safety, comes deep connection. From this nurturing environment, passion can arise and be sustained. I mean sexual passion, of course, and also, emotional passion. The freedom to be spontaneous, to express they we are, to be intimate and excited by their lives.
THIS is what I believe couples counseling is about and this would be MY philosophy of couples counseling. I hope that this has been helpful.
Dr. Adam Sheck
If you’d like to know more about my beliefs about couples counseling, download my Free Special Report, “20 Rituals For Romance!” at www.freepassiontips.com
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Interesting take on conflict. I’d never looked at it that way. Most people view conflict as bad, but they context you put it in, makes it sound positive and productive. I think communication is a huge issue for couples, and with your approach, unmet needs and wants do not go unnoticed for very long.
Thank you for sharing.
Mike
Mike Pedersen | Sep 19, 2010 | Reply
Mike,
Thanks for sharing your thoughts and reactions. Yes, my approach isn’t what everyone uses, yet we are on the planet to grow, so why not use the relationship as the tool for this, to grow and love!
Thanks again,
Adam
drsheck | Sep 20, 2010 | Reply
Adam,
What you say makes total sense. It seems to me we either attract opposites or people of similar beliefs. As you say, it is through confronting our differences that we broaden our perspective and grow as people. I have learned something here I could apply to my own relationship.
John Gaydon | Sep 20, 2010 | Reply
John,
Glad my couples counseling philosophy makes sense to you. And even happier that you feel that you can apply it to your own relationship.
Take care,
Adam
drsheck | Sep 20, 2010 | Reply
Hi Adam,
I think if you can get through the conflict, the partnership emerges stronger. That said, admitting there’s conflict and being able to be objective about it is often a big challenge. I guess that’s where you come in!
We live in fairly unstable times, which impacts jobs, cashflow and the overall feeling of security. Do you think this contributes to conflict, where one part of a couple feels less than safe and secure, even if it’s nobody’s ‘fault’?
Regards,
Andrew
Andrew Sayers | Sep 21, 2010 | Reply
Andrew,
To answer your question, yes I do believe that the challenging economic times have contributed to the stress and conflict that couples experience. In fact, I’ve written a few articles about it, one of them being: http://bit.ly/drUwic. Let me know what you think.
Take care,
Adam
drsheck | Sep 21, 2010 | Reply
Adam,
Having been in the honeymoon period of a new relationship for the last six months, we haven’t experienced conflict yet; however, I’m sure it is going to be present at some point.
When you point out that “Conflict points out where we don’t get our needs met,” I’ll look at it in a new light and embrace it rather than run from it.
Both of us have been married before. We’ve spent a considerable amount of time talking about what didn’t work.
Ahhhhh! Life is fun:)
Darlene Davis | Sep 21, 2010 | Reply
Darlene,
The honeymoon phase is a lovely period, so enjoy it as long as you can! Conflict is the beginning of the “power struggle” phase of the relationship, and I’m glad that I’ve been able to give you a new perspective on it. I’ve also said more about it in my “Three Stages of Relationship” video: http://bit.ly/bR9BIC
drsheck | Sep 22, 2010 | Reply
Adam,
Thanks for sharing your philosophy of counseling couples. I believe your approach is one that obviously sees many happy results. Being there through the good & bad is sometimes hard for couples. You hold the space for honest, safe communications. Wonderful!
Val
Val Wilcox | Sep 22, 2010 | Reply
Val,
Thanks for your kind words and encouragement. I really do LOVE my work.
Adam
drsheck | Sep 22, 2010 | Reply
Adam, Not to mention that you have to work or maintenance if you will. I think successful couples have each other as top of mind. When that starts to fade, issues get unresolved.
Gary Young- China Sourcing | Sep 23, 2010 | Reply
Gary,
It’s a fine balance, between me and we, and at different stages of our lives, the balance shifts. Keep the balance is the secret.
Thanks for sharing,
Adam
drsheck | Sep 23, 2010 | Reply
“I believe that CONFLICT is the motivating force for healing and growth in relationships.”
I wholeheartedly agree Adam! I believe conflict is also the force for healing and growth in all aspects of life.
Kevin Martineau | Sep 24, 2010 | Reply
Kevin,
Like minds, eh? Love your work, thanks for sharing.
Adam
drsheck | Sep 25, 2010 | Reply
Thank you for your informative post. Conflict is a very strong word, but I agree without sharing your true thoughts and feelings with your partner, your relationship will not expand and grow.
I have been married nearly 29 years, and while we have had our share of “conflicts” or differing viewpoints, respect has been the cornerstone of our relationships. Respect for each others choices and decisions, and not being afraid to voice those opinions.
Brenda Freeman | Sep 27, 2010 | Reply
Brenda,
I would agree with your, respect for ourself and our partner definitely gives us the freedom to be genuine and work through conflicts.
Thanks for sharing,
Adam
drsheck | Sep 27, 2010 | Reply
Hi Adam,
Thank you for sharing your philosophy on couple conflict. To me conflict is just another form of communication, which is a basic need in any relationship. I have a question though, what if your partner will not engage in any form of conflict or communication to work through unmet needs?
Thanks for sharing
Bec
Bec McFerran | Sep 29, 2010 | Reply
Bec,
Glad you enjoyed the post. If your partner will not engage in any form of communication to work through your unmet needs, I guess you have to decide whether you can live in a relationship like that and what you’re willing to do if it doesn’t change. If you submit it to http://www.askadamnow.com, happy to address it in more detail at my next teleseminar.
Adam
drsheck | Sep 29, 2010 | Reply
I agree that conflict is not an indication of a poor relationship. It’s how a couple learns to repair the relationship after the conflict that’s important.
Ian | Oct 23, 2010 | Reply
Ian,
Thanks so much for sharing. I totally agree with you, it’s ALL about the working through.
Take care,
Adam
drsheck | Oct 23, 2010 | Reply