Why We’re Triggered In Relationships (The Lizard Brain!)
By drsheck on Sep 26, 2010 in Articles, Relationship
The lizard brain! What can this possibly have to do with relationships and couples therapy?
Many of the couples I see in counseling are very triggered, very reactive in their relationship with each other. Intellectually, they are often aware of this, yet they are still so challenged in making changes and in becoming more loving with each other.
In order to give them a context for what’s happening, part of what I do (believe it or not) is explain to them the physiology of the human brain, particularly the lizard brain, which is part of our tripartite brain! Let me share some of what I say to my couples and perhaps you’ll understand my motivation in this.
In actuality, our brain is three brains! That’s what the “tri” means, as in “tri-angle” or “tri-cycle”. And each brain has it’s own system of logic, which is why we are often at odds with ourselves and feel torn and conflicted.
At the base of our brain is the part called the “reptilian brain” or the lizard brain. We share this part with all animals, including reptiles, such as alligators and lizards. The reptilian brain takes care of those things we usually don’t’ think about like heartbeat, digestion and breathing.
And more important to this article, it also is concerned with our survival. When we’re in danger, it will respond in one of five basic ways: fight, flight, freeze or play dead, submit or hide.
This protective design helps us to deal with physical danger, yet it also is activated whenever we are in psychological danger. And that is the issue in our relationships, our brain can’t really distinguish between physical danger and when we are being psychologically or emotionally challenged by a situation.
We use the same basic and primitive survival skills in “protecting” ourselves in our relationships: fight, flight, freeze (have you ever stared through your partner?), submit (okay, whatever you want, just don’t nag) or hide (go to another room, leave the house). All of this is done on an unconscious level, below the level of thought.
The second part of our brain is the limbic system, also known as the mammalian brain. We have it in common with all mammals and it is the part of the brain that allows us to experience our feelings. Again, the feeling of fear is connected to survival.
The third part of our brain, the cerebral cortex, is the logical part of our brain. It is five times bigger than the other two parts combined. It is where our speech, writing, math and thought come from. And it generally seems to shut down when we are triggered by highly emotional issues. It is bigger, yet slower than the lizard brain, and it surrenders control to the lizard brain when danger is imminent.
All three parts of the brain are processing information simultaneously. So, if I’m experiencing fear of divorce, I experience it as a deep survival fear through the lizard brain, I experience the emotion through the mammalian brain and I experience all of my thoughts and logic around it through the cerebral cortex.
The work then, is to help the three brains to coordinate and support each other in creating more than survival. This is the deep work of relationship and couples counseling, to help identify these triggers and defense mechanisms and to transcend them. This allows us to create a loving, open relationship with a greater intention to learn and grow then an intention to protect.
I hope that this brief explanation of the tripartite brain might help you to be a little more compassionate with yourself over your fears and your triggers. And hopefully you can be a little more compassionate with your partner and their lizard brain as well. The lizard brain doesn’t have to be your enemy.
There are a number of programs that I’ve created for couples to help work with their triggers. Please contact me if I can be of any help in this area.
Thank you so much,
Dr. Adam Sheck
If you’d like to know more about my work with couples, triggers and the lizard brain, download my Free Special Report, “20 Rituals For Romance!” at www.freepassiontips.com
Poly-Friendly Professionals 
Adam, I have known about the Tripartite brain for a long time, but I have not often seen it explained so eloquently. Couples are often struggling with a cerebral cortex telling them stories that may not be true (my partner is trying to hurt me, he/she is mean and selfish, I would be better off without him/her), but the mammalian brain that deals with emotions may cause us to cling and feel as if we will die if this partner leaves. Then when the lizard brain (I have never heard it called that before) takes over, all hell breaks loose (cheating, screaming, physical abuse, emotional abuse). Quieting all these parts and getting them working together is quite a task.
Erica
Dr. Erica Goodstone | Sep 27, 2010 | Reply
Erica,
Thanks so much for your kind words. It means a lot, coming from a fellow professional.
Adam
drsheck | Sep 27, 2010 | Reply
Adam,
What a great educational post! You’ve written it in a way that can be easily understood… and it makes it so clear. Thank you for sharing this in a way that paints such a clear picture.
Sincerely,
Robin
Robin van der Merwe | Sep 28, 2010 | Reply
Robin,
I’m glad the post made sense to you. It’s always tricky, trying to take the scientific research and turn it into some usable for people. I’m please you enjoyed and understood it.
Thanks so much,
Adam
drsheck | Sep 28, 2010 | Reply
Interesting article Adam.
Makes total sense of some of the emotions and reactions that occur during some of these stressful moments. I know there are depths within each area and many variables, yet this basic explanation clarifies the differences and workings of each part of our brain.
Thanks for sharing this info.
Val
Val Wilcox | Sep 28, 2010 | Reply
Val,
Glad you enjoyed the article and that it made sense to you. I hope it will be helpful as well.
Thanks,
Adam
drsheck | Sep 28, 2010 | Reply
Thank you Adam. You always have such insightful things to share. We you said “This protective design helps us to deal with physical danger, yet it also is activated whenever we are in psychological danger” I remember in my past life in relationships I believe this came to be a factor quite often.
Michael
Mr. Personal Development Michael Berry | Sep 28, 2010 | Reply
Michael,
Glad the article was helpful and hope that you’ll use the insights you gained to improve your life and relationships.
Thanks,
Adam
drsheck | Sep 28, 2010 | Reply
Adam, I had never heard of the reptilian part of our brain – totally makes sense. I often “submit” (okay, whatever you want, just don’t nag). This post was very eye opening.
Tim Somers | Sep 28, 2010 | Reply
Tim,
So glad to be able to help “open your eyes” and hopefully it will give you a little more compassion and understanding for yourself and your partner.
Take care,
Adam
drsheck | Sep 28, 2010 | Reply
Adam. You posts have great content. How amazing is our body and mind. Incredible that it works the way it does. As our lives become more complicated I guess we have greater social challenges. You description of the brain is quite insightful. I am fortunate. I have overcome many challenges in my relationship with my wife. Married for 36 years. Whilst I don’t totally understand the complexity of how we overcame any difficulties I do know that it is worth it when you do.
Thank you
Peter
peter chapman | Sep 29, 2010 | Reply
Peter,
Congratulations on 36 years of marriage! What’s your secret? Thanks for your comment, yes the mind/body connection IS pretty amazing.
Take care,
Adam
drsheck | Sep 29, 2010 | Reply
Adam,
This was a very informative post about our brain. I am learning so much from reading the valuable information that you provide here on your blog. Thanks for keeping me educated!
Lori
Lori Robertson | Sep 29, 2010 | Reply
Lori,
Glad that the post was informative and educational!
Thanks so much,
Adam
drsheck | Sep 29, 2010 | Reply
Well, now, when my husband and I get in an argument, I going to shout, “You’re triggering my lizard!”
Hopefully it will snap us both out of it. Thanks for the great tips.
Debbie Lattuga | Sep 29, 2010 | Reply
Debbie,
You are TOO funny! And laughter is a GREAT way to interrupt our patterns of conflict and get back onto a loving path. You rock!
Adam
drsheck | Sep 29, 2010 | Reply
Adam,
I have learned so much more about myself since I started on working on me and my personal development.
For once, I can read an article like yours and it makes total sense.
Thank you for educating me!
Tamra
Tamra | Sep 30, 2010 | Reply
Tamra,
Congratulations on the work you’ve done on yourself. Glad my post made sense to you, you’re so welcome!
Thanks for commenting,
Adam
drsheck | Sep 30, 2010 | Reply
Adam,
This post got me really thinking. I’m not one for too technical of jargon LOL, but anything that has to do with mental (brain) is very interesting to me, so you’ve got me thinking
MIke
Mike Pedersen | Sep 30, 2010 | Reply
Mike,
Glad to get you thinking. Can’t ask for more than that
Take care,
Adam
drsheck | Sep 30, 2010 | Reply
Well, after reading this post, I can see that both me and my husband have operated with those lizard brains from time to time. The lizard made me do it! I often talk about our past as the Battling Bickersons; tell funny stories about how I once threw a taco at him and then had to clean the mess off the wall, how we both started throwing dishes (on the floor, not at each other) and because Corel kind of explodes, I was finding pieces of it for months afterwards. It wasn’t funny then, but we just celebrated our 36th wedding anniversary, and we’ve settled down. Either we have started controlling our lizard brains or just grew up! This truly has become the best time of our lives, and we are each other’s best friend.
Wishing you a song in your heart,
Leslie
Leslie Denning | Oct 1, 2010 | Reply
Leslie,
We ALL react from the lizard brain at some point. Sounds like you’ve had/have a very passionate relationship. I wrote an earlier article last month about how couples handle conflict that might be interesting for you. Congratulations on celebrating 36 years together, you’re obviously doing something right!
Thanks for sharing,
Adam
drsheck | Oct 1, 2010 | Reply
Hello Adam,
Oh my goodness I loved this post…
I had no clue about our tripartite brain. Now you mention it, it makes perfect sense and I am sure with make me more understanding and compassionate towards myself and others!
Thank you for a fascinating post
Emma
Emma | Oct 1, 2010 | Reply
Emma,
I’m thrilled you enjoyed the post so much and that it makes sense to you. If it’s helping you to be more compassionate, I’ve done my job
Thanks for sharing,
Adam
drsheck | Oct 1, 2010 | Reply
Hi Adam, what an amazing thing our brain truly is! I certainly didn’t know about the three parts of the brain as you describe it here. I worked with neuro-biofeedback in my clinic in London and much of my work revolved around re-programming brain-waves. Now, I focus on this same work but helping people with their thinking and mindset. Change your thoughts, change your results. I tell people they can feel their anger, frustration, worry etc for 2 minutes and then make a choice to shift thinking. It really works! I am so glad to have found your blog – I will be visiting often.
regards
Clare
Clare Kelway | Oct 1, 2010 | Reply
Clare,
Glad I could share something new to you, I’m sure it will support your work. EEG biofeedback is pretty incredible work, I look forward to learning more about it and you.
Thanks for sharing,
Adam
drsheck | Oct 1, 2010 | Reply
Hi Adam,
You did it again. You write some of the most interesting articles.Thanks for sharing your knowledge.
Joe LoFreso with LGN Prosperity | Oct 2, 2010 | Reply
Joe,
Glad you found the concept of the tripartite brain interesting. I hope I can continue to hold your interest and educate a little bit to help improve your relationships.
Thanks for commenting,
Adam
drsheck | Oct 2, 2010 | Reply
Hi Adam,
great explanation on how our amazing brain works.
We have this amazing ‘mechanism’ which is designed to protect us. Wouldn’t it be nice if it was more tuned in.
Awareness of ‘it’ happening would be a first step. I am so glad I have learned about this, because before I knew this ‘all hell broke loose’
Love and Joy
from
Yorinda
Yorinda | Oct 4, 2010 | Reply
Yorinda,
Glad the post taught you something you could use.
Thanks for sharing,
Adam
drsheck | Oct 4, 2010 | Reply
The brain is an incredible thing. Your explanation on the tripartite brain was really educational.
Melodie Kantner | Oct 6, 2010 | Reply
Melodie,
Glad you learned something, love to hear more about how you apply it in your life.
Take care,
Adam
drsheck | Oct 6, 2010 | Reply
I don’t think any of this can be fixed or over-come unless each person is willing to work on their own psychology.
Nicole Rushin | Aug 1, 2011 | Reply
Nicole,
I agree, we must each be committed to working on our own issues as well as our relational issues to have a successful relationship and overcome our instinctive defenses.
Thanks for sharing,
Adam
drsheck | Aug 2, 2011 | Reply