Do You REALLY Want A Better Relationship?
By drsheck on Oct 31, 2010 in Articles, Relationship
Do You REALLY Want A Better Relationship?
Over the last twenty years that I’ve been working with couples, I keep hearing, “I love my boyfriend (or girlfriend or wife or husband or …) to death and I want a better relationship, help us!”
First of all, that “I love them to death” statement always makes the hairs rise on the back of my neck. Our words are quite powerful and often our minds take them literally. I would much prefer that someone love me “to life” personally! That would begin the process of a better relationship.
Second, I ask couples, “What are you willing to commit to, in order to have a better relationship, to actually have the relationship of your dreams?” The answer is usually “Whatever it takes!”
In my experience (and I don’t mean to be cynical), this usually means, “whatever it takes, as long as I don’t have to be uncomfortable or take any actions that I don’t want to take.”
Relationships are challenging. They bring up all of our unresolved issues, all of our triggers, and all of our childhood wounds. And that is a GOOD thing, as all of this surfaces so that we can resolve our issues and heal our wounds!
Relationships offer us an incredible opportunity for healing of ourselves and for our partner. And yet, the adolescent fantasy that it “should” always feel good and always be “warm and fuzzy” is not realistic. And when it becomes challenging and we’re not sure what to do, we are often quick to label the relationship as “bad” or “wrong” and we leave it. And then we find another person to love and start a new relationship and repeat the pattern.
A better relationship is defined in my opinion as a willingness to examine my own issues and how they intertwine with my partner’s issues. I’ve written about this before (click here to learn more about Imago: How We Choose Our Partner). A better relationship is defined by the ability to delay gratification in the short term to have deeper connection and happiness in the long term.
A better relationship is defined by the willingness to communicate when it’s not comfortable and when you know that neither of you will enjoy the process in the moment, yet it still needs to be done. A better relationship is a commitment to working through whatever needs to be worked through and the willingness to discover/find/create the tools needed to make this happen.
These are the people that I choose to work with in my relationship coaching practice. If they are single, I help them to heal their past heartbreak and relationship “failures” and understand their relationship patterns. In this way, they can literally have a “fresh start” and create a better relationship with themselves and attract a similarly committed partner to create a better relationship with as well.
The same holds for the couples that I work with. They are committed and motivated to create a better relationship. They take the tools I teach them and run with them. They carry out the assignments I give them and want more! These are the couples that create more romance, more intimacy and more passion in their relationships. It is a pleasure to work with them and share in their growth.
What I definitely have learned over the years is that 100% of the couples and singles that I work with that AREN’T committed to the process and DON’T use the tools I teach them, DON’T get the results they want and DON’T create a better relationship. I have learned to ask them this question before we even begin our work together, so that I can save them and myself time and energy better spent on other endeavors.
The question then, is WHO do you want to be in your life and in your relationship? And, what are you TRULY willing to commit to, in order to have it? If you believe that you have that motivation and that commitment, CONGRATULATIONS!
And if you believe that I can help support you in your journey towards a better relationship, I want to extend a special offer to you, to have a complimentary Relationship Coaching Strategy Session with me via Skype or telephone. Please click here to schedule the session, if what I’ve written makes sense to you and you are ready for RESULTS!
Thank you so much,
Dr. Adam Sheck
Poly-Friendly Professionals 
Adam, I’m having a difficult time “wrapping my hands around” your idea that Relationships are Great Opportunities to “heal” ourselves and our partners.
I suspect the reason is that I must look at relationships differently. So I asked myself, what do relationships mean to me? I believe I look for people to share experiences with — and not heal me.
Shari Weiss | Oct 31, 2010 | Reply
Shari,
I certainly can respect your point of view. Perhaps if you replace “heal” with opportunities for “growth” it will make more sense to you. We share experiences with many people, yet are truly intimate with few.
Take care,
Adam
drsheck | Nov 1, 2010 | Reply
Dr. Sheck, thank you for this post. I’m still somewhat in the beginning of a relationship that has begun with open communication and the realization that things won’t always be all roses. We have already discussed and committed to working through what comes our way in the future. To tackle it together because no disagreement or argument can be worth throwing away what has already. I love the advice you give and will be coming back your site to grow and learn how to continually improve my relationship. Thanks!
~S~
Stephanie Deneke | Nov 1, 2010 | Reply
Stephanie,
Congratulations on being in such a conscious and committed relationship. If I can be of any help, please let me know.
Adam
drsheck | Nov 1, 2010 | Reply
Hey Adam,
Always a pleasure to stop by your blog. This is a really great post. you raise some really interesting points about what we say about our relationships and what we actually mean.
I always come back to the premise that until we are able to change ourselves, we will never be able to change our relationships.
That’s when all the magic starts to happen.
Thanks for sharing,
Beth
Beth Hewitt | Nov 1, 2010 | Reply
Beth,
I totally agree with you, it is an “inside” job that beings with ourselves.
Thanks for sharing,
Adam
drsheck | Nov 1, 2010 | Reply
Great article. I assume that if someone does not know what they want personally then they will not be able to commit to the growth of their relationship.
Nicole Rushin | Nov 1, 2010 | Reply
Nicole,
You are spot on with your comment, it all begins with personal clarity.
Thanks for sharing,
Adam
drsheck | Nov 1, 2010 | Reply
Great post Adam. You have once again clearly described the essence of creating joyful and fulfilling relationships. I especially like two of your statements. “A better relationship is defined in my opinion as a willingness to examine my own issues and how they intertwine with my partner’s issues.” and
“A better relationship is defined by the willingness to communicate when it’s not comfortable.” True and deep communication is often uncomfortable because we have to listen and hear some things we might prefer not to have to acknowledge. Another important statement you made is that we also need to be able to delay gratification now in the pursuit of goals and dreams.
Erica
Dr. Erica Goodstone | Nov 1, 2010 | Reply
Thanks Erica,
It’s always nice when another relationship professional benefits from my posts.
Take care,
Adam
drsheck | Nov 1, 2010 | Reply
Relationships are definitely work ~ but like you said, if you know who you want to be in the relationship and in life, and you commit to it ~ the work can be extraordinarily gratifying and healing.
My husband and I have a wonderful, loving and connected relationship. But before we got married, we faced a lot of demons. We went through a weekend retreat together that I really attribute to saving our relationship, and giving us the tools for open communication and trust that I think are essential to thriving relationships.
I think it is SO important to have an outside perspective….and I think your clients are lucky to have you, Adam. Thanks you for doing the important work that you do!
Beth Allen | Nov 2, 2010 | Reply
Beth,
Thanks for your kind words. Yes, we ALL must face our demons in order to be happy with ourselves AND with a partner. Would love to know which weekend retreat you went to that was of such great benefit. Could you email it to me?
Thanks,
Adam
drsheck | Nov 2, 2010 | Reply
Adam,
Everyone WANTS a better relationship, not everyone is willing to roll their sleeves up and WORK towards it. Rome wasn’t built in one day.
Regards,
Dewane Mutunga | Nov 2, 2010 | Reply
Dewane,
You are correct. It takes as long as it takes, yet without the willingness, it will never happen.
Thanks,
Adam
drsheck | Nov 2, 2010 | Reply
I love your posts and advice.This one is very good.I will recommend it to a few friends.
Beverly Monical | Nov 3, 2010 | Reply
Beverly,
Thanks for your kind words and for sharing this post with your friends.
Take care,
Adam
drsheck | Nov 3, 2010 | Reply
Thanks again for a timely article. I, too, agree that words are important. It makes me cringe to hear the “I love him to death.” statement. Who we choose as partners tells us so much about ourselves. Perhaps this subject is important enough to be taught in school. I think so. But would people really listen? Who knows?
Angela Arnold | Nov 3, 2010 | Reply
Angela,
I totally agree with you that relationship skills should be taught at school. And even MORE important, parenting skills should be mandatory! If we took helped encourage good parenting, we would have fewer relationship problems on a personal and national/international level!
Just my two cents,
Adam
drsheck | Nov 3, 2010 | Reply
Hey Adam I know I’ve told you this before but I have to say it again. Creating great relationships are the same as building a successful business. You said “whatever it takes, as long as I don’t have to be uncomfortable or take any actions that I don’t want to take.” is the same as what people really say when what they want success in their business.
Michael
Mr. Personal Development Michael Berry | Nov 3, 2010 | Reply
Michael,
I agree with you AND the old Buddhist adage about there being no “duality” in life. How we treat one situation is how we treat ALL situations.
Take care,
Adam
drsheck | Nov 3, 2010 | Reply
Adam
My most recent relationship which is still going strong is an amazing one and the only real ‘grown up’ relationship I have had. I would define it as one where I can be completely me and still be loved which allows me to feel safe and loved no matter what I do or how I behave. This has definitely allowed me to look at my own issues, work through some and still feel loved.
Belinda
belinda cunningham | Nov 4, 2010 | Reply
Belinda,
Congratulations on being in a “grown up” relationship! When someone can really accept and love us for who we are, it is so tremendously healing. Good for you.
Take care,
Adam
drsheck | Nov 4, 2010 | Reply
Adam, Relationships are extremely important. I’ve seen very important people be unhappy because they don’t have good relationships. Great post.
Gary Young China Sourcing | Nov 4, 2010 | Reply
Gary,
Sounds like you’ve got your priorities straight, good for you!
Take care,
Adam
drsheck | Nov 4, 2010 | Reply
Very interesting article. It seems that honesty is the most difficult thing to give, even to oneself. I think if people were more honest with themselves, they would find decisions must less difficult to make.
Alexander Hay | Nov 5, 2010 | Reply
Alexander,
Thanks for sharing your perpspective. I agree, that honesty starts with ourselves and from there, we have the potential to share who we are and what we feel and THAT is what creates intimacy.
Take care,
Adam
drsheck | Nov 5, 2010 | Reply
Adam,
Another great post that really gets to the core of any relationship. Be in alignment with who you are first and foremost before worrying about changing someone else in a relationship. Looking within and being able to adjust and accept are huge. To me, that is a sign of integrity and trust.
Thanks again for opening a discussion about life relationships and moving forward together,
Val
Val Wilcox | Nov 5, 2010 | Reply
Val,
Thanks for your kind words. You totally got the message of the post.
Thanks for being such a loyal reader!
Adam
drsheck | Nov 5, 2010 | Reply
Hi Adam,
I appreciate you Adam and how consistent you are in writing about relationships. It’s a good question to ask who do you want to see in your life and with whom. I know my relationship is not what it used to be and has morphed into a different kind of relationship – no more of that starry eyed gaze at each other. So I tell my son, when and if you marry don’t think about the immediate relationship, but think ahead, years down the road as people change, age, and always remember to continue building your relationship and not take it for granted ….
Lesly Federici | Nov 5, 2010 | Reply
Lesly,
Great advice for your son. We ALL grow and change over time. If we bring our consciousness and intention to our relationship, it can be better than ever and filled full of passion and love. And, it WILL be different then it was in the beginning.
Take care,
Adam
drsheck | Nov 5, 2010 | Reply
Hi Adam –
I always have interesting take-aways from your posts.
For me – at this point – delaying personal gratification has to do with being okay that my husband doesn’t want to ‘work’ on and be responsible for our family.
He’s very much in a I’m here but I’m not really here place in his life and though we have a long term bond that’s constant and tangible – even passionate – he’s checked out a lot of the time.
A lot of it has to do I think with being out of work for the last 2 years (or maybe being out of work has to do with not doing the inside work – probably more likely) and his self worth is in the toilet.
So the relationship is sort of in a holding pattern – and though it can be frustrating at times, I know that if I were in a funk – I’d want my partner to be there waiting for me to come out the other side… just to be patient while I maybe wasn’t the perfect partner. If that makes any sense. It’s like a loyalty thing for me.
I think as we grow older, that “need to fix it right now” morphs into patience … when there’s underlying respect and commitment to each other … at least it has for me. I am being the person I want to be anyway
Being ME is not relationship dependent, is it?
Grin – told you you give me good stuff to chew on lol.
Appreciate you!
Andrea
Andrea Goodsaid | Nov 6, 2010 | Reply
Andrea,
I appreciate your honesty and vulnerability here. So many couples are being challenged by the economic times these days and are losing their sense of selves as individuals and as partners. And, it is a loving act to accept our partners for who and where they are in the moment and know that we are in it for the long haul. That in itself can be very healing. As long as we remember who WE are and work on our issues, we will be able to be the best partner WE can be and know what actions to take that serve everyone’s highest good.
Take care,
Adam
drsheck | Nov 6, 2010 | Reply
Hey Adam,
Great message. I find that people in relationships today are in it just for them. They do not understand that it is a two way street. Once they figure that out then they can move forward. From my own experience I have to get outside of myself and try to see things from the perspective of my wife and daughter in order to keep living with a great and fruitful relationship as well as continued deep personal reflection and work on myself.
It is not always easy but certainly worth the effort and the results are amazing.
Thanks for sharing this with us all.
Make it a great day!
God Bless,
The GREAT Edward!
The GREAT Edward | Nov 6, 2010 | Reply
Ed,
You are one of the ones that really does walk the talk in your relationship. I agree, we need to get out of ourselves and recognize that relationship is more about what we give than what we expect to receive.
Thanks for sharing,
Adam
drsheck | Nov 6, 2010 | Reply
Adam
Let’s see what the good doctor has prescribed for today
. I feel that some people come for advice probably cause they need to mend their old wounds of troubled past experiences or just want to flare up their current relationship. Their is no telling actually. Some people don’t necessarily lay out all the cards on the table to seek self help for them and their partner, perhaps due to humility. But I do believe that people do go a tad bit overboard when they say particular words like you mentioned. But it’s pretty much a figure of speech. You have some great advice here as always and it goes hand in hand with other views in our life as well. Thank you for sharing your wisdom.
Steven Dean
Steven Dean | Nov 6, 2010 | Reply
Steven,
I agree with you. My experience is that people enter couples counseling for MANY reasons, only one of which is to improve the relationship. And often, the two partners have two DIFFERENT reasons and different AGENDAS for treatment. Whatever they want, I am there to support.
Thanks for sharing,
Adam
drsheck | Nov 6, 2010 | Reply
Aloha Dr. Adam, I admire a person who is willing to take on any human challenges as these. Baring the burden of another and assisting them to hopefully resolve there conflicts is a battle not only for the answers, but for the two who are involved in there challenges.
Who can say, anything will stick, even God himself still dealing with Love and relationships from his people. Thanks for sharing! Lanikee.com
Lani kee | Nov 6, 2010 | Reply
Lani,
Thanks for your kind words. I really do love my work and feel that it is a calling. If I can help YOU in any way, please let me know.
Mahalo,
Adam
drsheck | Nov 6, 2010 | Reply
Doctor your insight is amazing and it is very true in all consulting how often you give people the exact tools to succeed and they fail to take action and then ask ” Why didn’t it work for me” . It didn’t work for you because you didn’t push yourself that little bit it took to get it done.
Some people want you to raise the dead and move the stone as my father would say.
But you have to raise the dead( Do what they cant do alone).
And they have to move the stone( The effort to show they are worth it, that anybody with the will can pull off)
So do the slackers really want a better relationship or business, or finances or new skill.
No they don’t, they just know they need one and want to say they tried.
Be Blessed and Have Success
Arthur Bernier Jr.
Arthur Bernier Jr. | Nov 7, 2010 | Reply
Arthur,
LOVE your father’s metaphor about raising the dead and moving the stone! Yes, some people just “want to want” that relationship, business, toy. And we can only have compassion for them and offer our hand in support. And one day, they may be ready to receive. And since we all have that part in ourselves, it makes it easier for us to be patient with them.
Take care,
Adam
drsheck | Nov 7, 2010 | Reply
I bet you get a lot of people that say, “I want a better relationship. Fix him”.
We have always ‘argued’ in front of our children. (if that is where the argument took place) I want them to know that relationships aren’t always warm and fuzzy. But we also apologize and work out our problems in front of the children. So they can see the whole process.
Debbie Lattuga | Nov 7, 2010 | Reply
Debbie,
Yes, I do get a lot of that
Good for you for being real in front of your kids. I think it is good to model healthy conflict/argument for your children. Of course, when it escalates and gets out of hand, that can actually turn into emotional abuse and that isn’t a good thing. Balance in eveything.
Thanks so much for sharing,
Adam
drsheck | Nov 7, 2010 | Reply
Adam,
In our 28 years of marriage we’ve had an abundance of way too cool times… those special moments we remember forever, and some not so cool times. And we’ve found that working through the challenges in our relationship together has given us a better understanding of open communication, sharing and self-discovery. Those are the times that have helped us to grow.
Thanks,
~ Pat and Lorna
http://TheCoolestCouple.com
Pat and Lorna Shanks | Nov 7, 2010 | Reply
P&L,
We definitely grow through challenge and stress. It’s how we discover our inner core and how we partner together. Congratulations, again, on 28 years!
Take care,
Adam
drsheck | Nov 7, 2010 | Reply
Hi Dr Adam,
This is my first time to your blog and I am very impressed with everything you have said about relationship.
Yea..in any relationship there must be more actions and responsibilities to shower each other with the love rather than hearing the sweet word like ” I Love You ” and no action can be seen. The importance in relationship is developing a natural feeling of love, care and concern, commitment and few other things.The more couple sharing responsibilities and commitment and working towards long life dreams, it strengthens the relationship and making each other feel very secured and committed.
Will be back to your blog, Dr Adam.
Cheers
Pearly
PearlyPQ | Nov 7, 2010 | Reply
Pearly,
Thanks so much for coming to my blog, glad you’re enjoying it. I agree with you, that “love” is a verb and that action must be taken to express it as well as the feelings.
Take care,
Adam
drsheck | Nov 8, 2010 | Reply
Hi Adam,
You really do have to be committed to stepping outside your comfort zone and to making the changes in yourself to better your relationship. If you don’t love yourself, you can’t love someone else. Makes sense.
I had the honour of hearing Darren Hardy speak this weekend and he talked about writing a ‘Thanksgiving’ journal for his wife. Everyday for a year, he wrote down what he was grateful for about his wife on that particular day. He gave the journal to his wife after that one year and she said it was the greatest gift she had ever received. It helped Darren to focus on the positive things about his wife and it had an amazing effect on their relationship.
Wendy
Wendy Hewlett | Nov 9, 2010 | Reply
Wendy,
Yes, commitment to growth isn’t commitment to being comfortable
That journal gift is a brilliant idea, thanks for sharing it! Appreciation exercises are a key tool that I use in my couples counseling. Actually I use it in relationship coaching as well and probably everything I do! It’s a deep spiritual AND psychological practice.
Thanks again,
Adam
drsheck | Nov 9, 2010 | Reply
Good stuff Adam I especially like this line,
“whatever it takes, as long as I don’t have to be uncomfortable or take any actions that I don’t want to take.”
well I don’t like it but it seems to be the norm. Nothing good is easy and nothing easy is good. Thanks for reminding us of that.
Rob
Rob Franta | Nov 9, 2010 | Reply
Rob,
I really believe that this is the difference between those that are successful as couples (or in any other endeavor for that matter) and those that are not successful. The willingness to grow, to stretch, to be uncomfortable in order to reach a superordinate goal, that is what makes all the difference.
Take care,
Adam
drsheck | Nov 9, 2010 | Reply
Hi Adam,
I have to agree with you that the statement, “love to death,” raises the hairs on the back of my neck, too. I would say, I love my husband and all his 2,000 pieces and parts.
Not sure where I got that from, but my husband likes it.
As it turns out, I’ve learned to be open and sharing the hard way… having had a couple of bad relationships in the past, and a divorce. I’ve found that the easier it is for you to be comfortable with yourself including your imperfections, the easier it is to feel comfortable, and open, with others.
I’m glad to say that I certainly could have used your help years ago but am doing pretty great nowadays! (Finally!)
Deb Augur | Nov 12, 2010 | Reply
Deb,
I think most of us have learned it the hard way. My work is to help couples who want a more loving, more romantic, more passionate relationship to get there a little quicker and a little easier. My work with singles is to help them heal their broken hearts and to create healthy patterns of relationship.
Thanks for sharing and congratulations on getting there,
Adam
drsheck | Nov 12, 2010 | Reply
Adam,
Like so much of what you write, this post was such a great read. (Many thanks to Wendy, also, for sharing that Darren Hardy story…I’m going to start a journal today! Love that idea!)…..
You always have a way of getting to the heart of the matter in a way that everyone can understand. Thanks so much for sharing more of your insight again in this post….
To your continued success,
Robin
Robin | Nov 14, 2010 | Reply
Robin,
Thanks for your kind words and good wishes.
Wish you the best as well,
Adam
drsheck | Nov 14, 2010 | Reply
Great article, Dr. Sheck. I agree with you that we shouldn’t love our partners to “death” but we should love them to “life”. You’re doing an awesome job on your blog. Keep it up. I hope you and your family have a Happy Thanksgiving. Cheers.
Etieno
Etieno Etuk | Nov 25, 2010 | Reply
Etieno,
Thanks so much for your kind words! I wish you and yours a wonderful Thanksgiving as well!
Adam
drsheck | Nov 25, 2010 | Reply
Adam,
I am happy to say that my husband and I are one of the minority that are committed to living a happy life together. We’ve been happily (of course with frustrations) married for over 27 years. I love to read your blog because it confirms what I already know and do. Validation is always a time to reach around and pat myself on the back!
Linda
Linda G. Cox@ Multiple Sclerosis | Feb 9, 2011 | Reply