Three Stages of Relationship
By drsheck on Oct 24, 2010 in Articles, Relationship
What are the Three Stages of Relationship and why are they important?
In a previous post I wrote about “Why We Choose Our Partner” (click here to read it) and the “Imago”, the idealized blueprint for relationship that we carry in our unconscious mind. Imago is Latin for image.
Today I will write about what happens when we find that “Imago Match” and start a relationship with them. There are three stages in a Love Relationship. The first one is The Honeymoon Stage, the romantic stage. We’ve all experienced that, haven’t we?
That’s when everything our partner does is perfect, is cute, is adorable. So cute the way he leaves the toilet seat up and I fall in. So adorable the way she lost my car keys and I can’t go to work. We focus on the positive qualities of our partner and ignore the negative ones.
This is because our body is creating some very potent chemicals that are influencing our brains. It’s God or Nature or Evolution making sure we can stay together long enough to perpetuate the species.
Our brains drug us with neurotransmitters like PEA (phenylethylamine) and oxytocin. PEA acts like methamphenamine, while oxytocin acts like heroin. So physiologically speaking, romantic love is a chemical reaction. Not such a romantic notion though.
With these love hormones and neurotransmitters surging through our bodies, we don’t feel the need to eat, we don’t need to sleep, we want sex all the time. Literally, we are drugged into a euphoric, elated, exhilarated state. In Imago, we call romantic love “nature’s anestheisia.”
Eventually we build a tolerance to the drugs flooding our system. It usually takes 3 months to 2 years (if you’re really “lucky”), and as it wears down we are left in the second stage of relationship: The Power Struggle
Now we begin to see who we’re really with. And we begin to see those negative qualities in our partner that we previously ignored or didn’t care about. At this point, many couples can’t handle what they’ve gotten themselves into and they break up. Others just white-knuckle it and hope it will improve. Some seek professional help.
Those that break up, generally will find themselves attracted to someone who shares many common characteristics with their previous relationship(s).
And there’s nothing wrong with that, because from an Imago therapist’s perspective, this is supposed to happen. Conflict is supposed to happen. It gives us an opportunity to deal with our childhood issues and wounds. This is nature/God/evolution’s way of giving us an opportunity to grow, to heal ourselves and our partner of our childhood wounds. Most of us don’t know how to do it, but it IS possible. There is a natural progression through the three stages of relationship.
As we begin to work out some of these Power Struggle issues, we enter the third stage of relationship, which is called: The Conscious Relationship
Here, we are more at peace with ourselves and our partner. We are clear about what we want, how to ask for it, and how to be there for our partner as well as ourselves.
And the passion can be even deeper, richer than the honeymoon phase!
For couples that are stuck in the Power Struggle stage, professional support is what I would recommend. If you could work through the three stages of relationship on your own, I have no doubt that you would have done so by now. This is the work I do with couples, to help them navigate through the power struggle phase and to create that conscious relationship of their dreams.
Whatever of the stages of relationship you are in, if this makes sense to you and you’d like my support, please feel free to contact me.
I wish you the best,
Dr. Adam Sheck
If you’d like to know more about the three stages of relationship and my work with couples on how to have a successful relationship, download my Free Special Report, “20 Rituals For Romance!” at www.freepassiontips.com
Poly-Friendly Professionals 
Adam,
I’ve read up on this subject several times some I’m familiar with the subject matter here, and again you’re right on. I’d like to pose a question for you though, HOW LONG SHOULD THE POWER STRUGGLE STAGE LAST?
I’m sure this will be a complex answer but im looking for to it!
Thanks!
Dewane Mutunga | Oct 24, 2010 | Reply
Dewane,
There IS not “should” on the Power Struggle duration. The more committed a couple is to bringing consciousness to their relationship, the more quickly they will move through the Power Struggle. For most couples, it takes a long-term commitment to get there. It’s really a process, not a destination, as I believe that even the most conscious couple moves in and out of consciousness over their time together and certainly under stressful events.
Thanks for the question,
Adam
drsheck | Oct 24, 2010 | Reply
This is a helpful description of the different stages relationships can go through. I definitely have had a few friends in the Power Struggle phase that could’ve benefited from some professional help. It’s difficult sometimes for people to accept that they might need that.
I think sometimes that there is a darting back and forth between all of these stages throughout the entire course of a relationship. Thirteen years in and there are things she does occasionally that could only be okay in a honeymoon phase and rarely things in power struggle but the vast majority of the time sounds most like we are in the conscious relationship phase. – Rob
Rob Wilson | Oct 24, 2010 | Reply
Rob,
Glad you can relate to the post. I agree with you, that we do move back and forth between the power struggle stage and the conscious relationship stage, assuming that we ever move OUT of the power struggle. When times are tough or we are challenged strongly, most of us, being human, do regress back into our reactivity and get into the power struggle. Fortunately, we CAN move out of it again, sometimes on our own, sometimes with our partner’s support, sometimes with professional support.
Thanks for sharing,
Adam
drsheck | Oct 24, 2010 | Reply
Adam, you are doing great things here. This post is great. If the passion can be even deeper in the conscious phase that sounds mighty good to me.
Nicole Rushin | Oct 25, 2010 | Reply
Nicole,
Thanks so much for your kind words, I’m doing my best. Passion CAN be deeper, no doubt about it! Practice it and let me know how it goes.
Adam
drsheck | Oct 26, 2010 | Reply
Very interesting stuff Adam. I love learning about how we work and pic things, from people to things. Thank you very much. I look forward to learning more.
Julie Elliott | Oct 26, 2010 | Reply
Julie,
Glad you found it interesting. Hope it makes sense in the context of your marriage as well.
Thanks,
Adam
drsheck | Oct 26, 2010 | Reply
Adam,
You are such a great teacher! I am a Baby Boomer who should know better; however, I’ve re-connected with a high school friend and we are head over heals in love. I keep looking for chinks in the Honeymoon phase, but so far have found only one.
This is not a “first” for either one of us, but I don’t feel that we picked partners similar to our last choices. Guess time will tell, right?
Am very open to counseling as is my friend. I’ve got your number if and when the Power Struggle phase looms. We are both highly committed to growing old together.
Thanks for sharing such awesome information. As you well know, your blog is one of my favorites:)
Darlene Davis | Oct 26, 2010 | Reply
Dar,
We all “should” know better, yet we’ve all got blind spots. Glad you’re enjoying the Honeymoon, happy to help if and when necessary. I believe that as we grow, mature and (hopefully) learn from our experiences that while we are still attracted to the same “Imago” qualities, we face them at a more mature level that we can navigate more readily. I’m sure you two will do fine!
Thanks,
Adam
drsheck | Oct 26, 2010 | Reply
Adam,
Very concise description of the 3 phases of a relationship. I can see where the power struggle stage could be a dicey one to navigate without some outside guidance, especially if there doesn’t seem to be any resolutions.
Moving into the conscious stage is great! Understanding each other, accepting and growing closer through caring & sharing builds a lasting foundation. I think trust plays a huge part in creating more passion, like Nicole was mentioning.
Great post… as always,
Val
Val Wilcox | Oct 27, 2010 | Reply
Val,
Thanks for your kind words, glad it made sense to you.
Adam
drsheck | Oct 27, 2010 | Reply
Adam,
Thank you for your professional insight into the three stages of a couple’s relationship. We can certainly see the stages as you have described them.
To know that these stages are normal and that there is a progression from one to another is very helpful. Once you have awareness, you can make a conscious decision to make progress along the journey. With stage 3 of the conscious relationship being the ultimate goal with all its benefits, you can’t stop moving towards it!
We look forward to more of your insight into relationships.
Dave and Dawn
Dave and Dawn | Oct 28, 2010 | Reply
D&D,
You are so welcome and I’m glad the stages make sense to you. Yes, awareness is certainly a big key to getting the results you want in ANY kind of relationship, personal or business. Sometimes it is enough to create change, sometimes we need a little more help, which is what my role as a couples counselor/coach is.
Thanks for commenting,
Adam
drsheck | Oct 28, 2010 | Reply
Adam,
I think we all recognize the honeymoon stage and hopeless romantics like me wish this stage would last forever. When it doesn’t, I have been disappointed in the past. I could have done with some of your wisdom at that time! LOL! However, experience and failure has brought me wisdom and I am blessed to now have GOD central in my life so He directs my life and my growth in my relationships.
Blessings
Clare
Clare Kelway | Oct 28, 2010 | Reply
Clare,
Sounds like you’re connected to the PRIMARY relationship, and everything flows from there. It’s all got you to NOW in the perfect timing and divine right order, so how can you go wrong? Happy to help in anyway that I can.
P&B,
Adam
drsheck | Oct 28, 2010 | Reply
Hey Dr. Passion!
Excellent break down of the stages of relationship. Glad to have stopped by to check it out. The power struggle is the phase that I see is hardest in our current society because we are believed that the honeymoon stage should last forever. It is too bad that people do not realize these stages when the stuff starts hitting the fan to be able to understand that there is hope and great people like you that can help.
Make it a great day!
God Bless,
-ed
Edward | Oct 28, 2010 | Reply
Ed,
You’re right, people want to stay in the fantasy of relationship and not have to do the WORK of relating! Creating intimacy is challenging, yet so rewarding as you well know.
Thanks for sharing,
Adam
drsheck | Oct 28, 2010 | Reply
Interesting that the phases seem nearly impossible to navigate instinctively. It really makes me realize the importance of role modeling good relationship building with my wife for my kids to see.
Thanks for sharing,
Rafael
Rafael Cantu | Oct 28, 2010 | Reply
Rafael,
Yes, that is another incentive I use with couples to move through their issues: be a healthy role model for relationship for your kids! You’ve hit the nail on the head.
Thanks for sharing,
Adam
drsheck | Oct 28, 2010 | Reply
I like an article I once read that also described the stages in relationships; however, that authors point was that too often we “fall in love” with the wrong people.
She suggested that if we form relationships with people whom we need to change to make right for us, then chances are that person will not feel good in our presence — and “love” is unlikely to grow.
Shari Weiss | Oct 28, 2010 | Reply
Shari,
I certainly agree that if we need to change our partner in order for us to be happy with them, we will have problems. However, I don’t believe that we are ever drawn to the “wrong” partner. We may not know how to act in a healthy way with our partner, yet that doesn’t make them “wrong” it just means we might not be ready to learn the lesson in healing and growth that we can learn from them. Does that make sense?
Thanks for sharing,
Adam
drsheck | Oct 28, 2010 | Reply
Really insightful post. I love it.
Especially that 3rd stage. My parents have been married for over 28 years now and it’s just amazing to see them interact and show how much they still, if not even moreso now, how much they love each other.
I am looking forward to that day for myself ; )
To life,
-Gregory
Gregory Elfrink | Oct 28, 2010 | Reply
Gregory,
Congratulations on having such great role modeling from your parents. Many of us aren’t as fortunate and have to struggle a bit in the relationship area. I wish you a smooth journey.
Adam
drsheck | Oct 28, 2010 | Reply
These stages are so true,at least for me.We never had much of a power struggle because my husband is VERY laid back.We have a great relationship after 9 years together.Thanks Adam.I enjoy your posts.
Beverly Monical | Oct 29, 2010 | Reply
Beverly,
Glad you enjoyed the post AND that you’ve got a great relationship. Keep up the good work!
Adam
drsheck | Oct 29, 2010 | Reply
Hi Adam,
What comes up for me with your post is that’s the stages that people go through also when they find a business opportunity. Maybe the power struggle stage is more about not taking responsibility for your own actions and blaming the company. Come to think of it that could be said for relationships as well.
Michael
Mr. Personal Development Michael Berry | Oct 29, 2010 | Reply
Michael,
Certainly makes sense to me to extend the stages of relationship into business relationships. There are many corporate “power struggles” that go on and many of them are based on unconscious processes. I’ve done a little corporate consulting in the past, mainly with small family businesses and of course, family issues come up then.
Thanks for sharing,
Adam
drsheck | Oct 29, 2010 | Reply
Adam,
Great post. As you know, I am in the process of creating a 3 part series to help individuals and couples to understand what really goes on, what is the goal and purpose, and how to create the results you want in each of the 3 stages of relationships. Your explanation here is so simple and clear and precise.
Erica
Dr. Erica Goodstone | Oct 29, 2010 | Reply
Erica,
Simplicity is the key! Can’t wait to learn more about your upcoming series!
Adam
drsheck | Oct 29, 2010 | Reply
Your information here is awesome and it gave me usefull tools I can apply to my relationship.
I remember the honeymoon stage days, ahhh even the smell of her farts was amazing. Lol
But i understand more of the growth behind our relationship deeper. I personally do alot of study on personal types and understanding others.
This information brings new insight into what we go through when interacting with other people.
I will be back daily to soak up more info and cant wait to go through your E-book.
Be Blessed and Have Success
Arthur Bernier Jr.
Arthur Bernier Jr. | Oct 30, 2010 | Reply
Arthur,
Thanks so much for your kind words. I’m glad you can relate and that its been helpful. Keep me update on how you’re applying it all in your relationship.
Take care,
Adam
drsheck | Oct 30, 2010 | Reply
Well it is good to know that all of the dumb things I would do in the honeymoon stage is due to chemical reactions
I suppose the goal is to survive the power struggle to get to the conscious relationship and who better to help than Dr. Sheck.
Peter
Peter Fuller MBA | Oct 30, 2010 | Reply
Peter,
You are TOO funny! Thanks for your kind words.
Take care,
Adam
drsheck | Oct 31, 2010 | Reply
I know several couples that have never gotten out of the power struggle stage. I never knew that is what it is called. One couple ended up in a nasty divorce, and the other couple just bickers all the time, pretty much about every sentence.
If I was in the bickering relationship I would have had to call it quits a long time ago. Does that make me lazy? You would really have to hear them, they are not even nice to each other, and it makes it really uncomfortable when friends are getting together and all they do is verbally abuse each other.
Any advice is greatly appreciated.
Paula Snyder | Nov 9, 2010 | Reply
Paula,
The research indicates that “high conflict” couples are no more or less likely to divorce than other types. I wrote about it in a previous blogpost. My advice isn’t terribly original, but if they can’t get along and don’t like it the way it is, then they probably need to seek professional help. And of course, reading my blog never hurts
Checked out your website, really liked the post on “red flags” but couldn’t comment on it (comments closed). Look forward to learning more about you.
Thanks for stopping by,
Adam
drsheck | Nov 9, 2010 | Reply
Ah yes, I know all 3 of these stages well.
5 years into marriage, there is a part of me that is starting to believe that every single couple should engage in some form of counseling. While my husband and I have spent quite a bit of time in conscious relationship, I feel that lately we’ve regressed to the power struggle phase. Is this common?
I have no hesitation in knowing that we will resume our conscious relationship, but right now, after a long and arduous journey trying to get pregnant again (finally successful…i’m 15 weeks pregnant!), being 2 weeks away from a move across the country, job changes and really just so much transitioning that tensions are running HIGH. I imagine this is normal is situations of massive changes, but ugh, it’s no fun!
Anyhow, I always feel like I have these cathartic releases on your blog here, Adam. Thank you for sharing your wisdom ~ and reminding me of the importance of that 3rd party voice. Perhaps our struggles will just reside once the move is settled, but if not, I need to own up to it being time for counseling.
Beth Allen | Jan 14, 2011 | Reply
Beth,
Congratulations on your pregnancy! Yes, I would agree with you that pretty much all couples can benefit from counseling at some point in their relationship. AND, relationships do have their ebbs and flows, like everything in life. If I can help in any way, please let me know: have SKYPE, will travel
Wish you the best,
Adam
drsheck | Jan 14, 2011 | Reply
thank u,
isaac | Jul 21, 2012 | Reply
My pleasure, I’m so glad you benefited from the post.
Adam
drsheck | Jul 22, 2012 | Reply
I was just wondering if doubts are normal during the power struggle, I just got out of the honeymoon stage and I really hate the doubts I have because they can feel so real sometimes knowing I would never act upon them
hannah | Jul 30, 2012 | Reply
Hannah,
The doubts you’re feeling ARE something normal. We’re “hypnotized” by society into believing that the honeymoon phase should last forever, so when we being to experience conflict, we feel doubts and wonder if we’re in the “right” relationship. Conflict is natural normal and IMPORTANT in relationship so that we can begin to understand and heal our psychological issues (it’s NOT that serious, we ALL have some). Moving through that helps us to have even MORE intimacy and passion and connection. Keep moving through them and keep up the good work!
Adam Sheck
drsheck | Jul 31, 2012 | Reply
Well I’m going through the Power Struggle phase with my live in boyfriend, however he decided to break up with me while he figures himself out, said he needed space/time, so I went to a family members house for a few days, but the whole time he kept contacting me but being very casual. Says he’s confused and loves me. I went back home and said I’ll move out since we’re not together anymore, and he wants to still be intimate and cuddle and kiss me, but doesn’t say I love you or communicate like he did before, so he’s wants to hold on to that part but let go of the couple title. I am supposed to have all my things out in a few days but he told me to stay longer and he doesn’t want to feel pressure for an answer but still work it out…I’m confused too, he’s hot & cold, and wants to keep only certain parts of our relationship but still have freedom to be single. I don’t know what to do…because he’s still giving me his space & time, we both see what we did in the relationship that caused the sudden tension but he wants to keep me on the sideline while he figures it out and talk to me.
Morgen | Aug 30, 2012 | Reply
Morgen,
I feel for you, you’re definitely in a tough situation. Mixed messages are the worst and all you can do from YOUR end is to set boundaries that YOU can live with and that let you ultimately feel good about yourself while you two work things out (or not).
Given your confusion, I’d definitely seek out some professional help in this one, as you don’t want to stay in this relationship limbo for too long.
Wish you the best,
Dr. Adam Sheck
drsheck | Aug 31, 2012 | Reply
Hi,
I was wondering what happens when a couple skips the honeymoon phase? I was going through a really stressful period when we first met — moving to a new city and unemployment — and I never really had that gaga-love phase with him. I stayed with him because I could see objectively that he was such a great guy, really liked me, and we had fun together, and he was super supportive, which was what I needed. But, I haven’t really felt the “honeymoon” love feeling I’ve had in other relationships, although I’ve definitely felt the power struggle phase. I get really anxious worrying that I don’t love him as much as I’ve loved past boyfriends, or that if I ever met someone who gave me that gaga feeling, then maybe I would cheat on him. But overall we are super compatible and have a good relationship and I love him (and I’m very loyal, to him, and in general). Could my mixed feelings be related to missing the honeymoon-phase? And if so, is there any way to fix that?
Thanks for any thoughts you might have.
Amy | Apr 2, 2013 | Reply
Amy,
It’s an interesting question and there’s no specific answer as everyone is unique. We each feel that “honeymoon phase” in different degrees depending upon the degree of Imago “match” in the connection. It’s not necessarily good or bad, as the goal is to have the deeper connection of the conscious relationship. Sometimes we unconsciously shy away from someone who stirs up too many feelings within us as a consequence of being hurt in a relationship that had a lot of those feelings in the past. I’d try not to overthink it and focus on the loving feelings that you share.
Now if you are saying that there is no big passion in the relationship and there never was and you’re saying that is a problem, that’s something else. My specialty is helping couples with passion.
Wish you the best,
Adam Sheck
drsheck | Apr 7, 2013 | Reply