Relationship Tip: Don’t Talk So Much!
By drsheck on Nov 15, 2010 in Communication, Passion Assignment, Relationship
Don’t talk so much!
I know that this sounds insensitive and politically incorrect. I know that psychologists and couples counselors such as myself are supposed to push “communication” as the key to a better relationship. AND, I’m here to tell you the truth or at least MY TRUTH.
This post is specifically for women in heterosexual relationships. While I’ve worked with many gay and lesbian couples over the last twenty years, I’m not sure if this perspective applies to their relationship dynamics. I’d love feedback though.
Back to the premise: Don’t talk so much!
Couples enter counseling with the idea that they need to learn better communication skills. While this is often true and I definitely teach communication skills, COMMUNICATION IS NOT THE PROBLEM!
The problem is NOT about communication. The problem is about CONNECTION! Or more accurately, about the LACK of connection.
In general, women connect by talking. And by “talking” I more specifically mean talking about their feelings and “processing” them. We’re men. We can only “tolerate” so much of that. Talking about our feelings makes us feel young and insecure; it regresses us.
And while regression is good and beneficial in the process of psychotherapy, it’s not so good in a relationship. Wouldn’t you agree ladies?
You DON’T want a regressed man who feels like a helpless child as your partner in a relationship, do you? You don’t want to turn into his mommy! Trust me, it puts a big damper in the romance department and in your sex life.
So women connect through sharing their feelings. This is a big part of why the majority of psychotherapy patients are women. Men don’t want to go there. Do they NEED to go there? Sometimes they absolutely do. And with a professional that they aren’t building a life with, the process works!
And as a couple in couples counseling it also works, at least to a limited degree. Learning to share your inner life in a way that doesn’t become regressive is absolutely a healthy thing. And while I believe in it, most of my work with couples is about creating CONNECTION, which for me isn’t usually about talking or about being talked TO (or AT, which is how it often feels). With connection comes intimacy and passion.
We’re men. We DON’T want to talk about it! Talking makes us feel weak. Talking makes us feel vulnerable. Talking makes us feel anxious. Talking makes us feel shame. Talking makes us feel “less then”. And when we feel like that, we tend to act out our insecurities in our relationships and take it out on YOU!
Yes, we’re babies! Yes we want it our way in our own time. Yes, if we don’t get our way we will sulk and withdraw and get passive aggressive or just plain attacking and aggressive. For most of us, this reaction is primal and is quite challenging to change.
Even with years of therapy, we will only become aware of it and manage it a little bit better. And most men will never agree to years of therapy. We’re babies. So what are the options here?
There IS hope! Although the majority of men won’t come into couples therapy or will only begrudgingly allow themselves to be dragged there by their partners, there IS hope.
While I prefer working with the couple to improve the relationship, it often doesn’t happen that way. Most of the relationship improvement work I do is with one partner, not with both. Most of my relationship coaching is performed with one female partner. And it works!
The couple is a system. If we change one component of the system, the entire system will change. And if it doesn’t change sufficiently, at least the partner knows that they have done everything that they can do. After you clean up “your side of the street” you have a clear conscience for whatever actions are necessary from there, one way or the other.
So, ladies, back to helping you. If my recommendation is DON’T TALK SO MUCH, what can you do? First of all, get clear about your priorities. What is the purpose of your relationship? What do you need from your partner, that only they can provide? What can you “delegate” to others in the need department?
My advice is the 80/20 rule: process 80% of what needs to be processed with your girlfriends and your therapists. Process the 20% that REALLY needs to be processed with your man, with your man. It might actually be even less than that. And learn how to do this in a way that they can tolerate (Actually, I have some tricks for you here).
Don’t talk so much! Instead, SHARE your life with your boyfriends and your partners and your husbands. Sharing comes from a different place and has a different intention than talking does, at least for men.
Allow men to talk when they are in the mood. Reward them for it! Yes we can talk endlessly if we are sharing our vision of the future or bragging about our accomplishments or our prowess. In fact we can become obnoxious in our verbosity at this point.
But it’s not really a dialogue and we’re not really “processing” in the conventional sense. We talk to share our fantasies and our hopes and our desires. If we really are feeling safe, we sometimes share to have a sounding board and to reflect.
And all we really want from you at that point is to be admired and appreciated and valued. You can relate to this, can’t you ladies?
We are sharing as best we can, most of it being nonverbal. So share with us as well and as an experiment, share more with us through activities instead of words. Shared games, shared adventures together, shared romance, shared sex! After that kind of sharing, a man might surprise you and open up and be vulnerable enough to want to actually talk about feelings!
If you give us what we want (which isn’t very complicated most of the time) we will give you the keys to our kingdom and share our world with you. And be excited and thrilled to do so. And give you everything we have and are, with an open heart.
Don’t’ talk so much! That is the key. Would you rather be right that talking is what you need or would you rather connect and experience deep intimacy?
Bottom line: men and women are different! And as the more evolved of the sexes, women can definitely influence the relationship for the better, for the highest good of all involved.
I’m really excited about this new direction my work is taking, working with one partner to improve the relationship and would love to hear your comments about the idea. In fact, you can COMMENT as much as you’d like!
If you are interested in more of the inner workings of men and how to be successful in a relationship with them, I will be holding a “Don’t Talk So Much” teleseminar course on this in early 2011. Click here (www.donttalksomuch.com) to be kept updated about this work and specific programs to help women improve their relationships.
Thanks so much,
Dr. Adam Sheck
Poly-Friendly Professionals 
I hear what you are saying Adam and the one partner counseling is a great idea and I’ve done this and YES I did get help for myself but this doesn’t mean things will change with your other half. The other half will need to WANT to change not because he sees that you are getting counseling that he will change. I like to say what Dr. Wayne Dyer often states: “When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change”…..
Nancy
http://www.makegirlfriends.com
Nancy Shields | Nov 16, 2010 | Reply
Nancy,
Yes, while it’s true there are no guarantees, creating change DOES create change. Sometimes it is the result you want and sometimes it takes time and perspective to recognize that it’s the result that is in the highest good.
Take care,
Adam
drsheck | Nov 16, 2010 | Reply
Great post. I’m also not too big on fighting or arguing, usually leaves hurt feelings. With that said, there are ways to disagree. Beside the point. After 30 years, I’ve learned(most of the time) my husband isn’t going to share his inner most feelings.
Cathy S | Nov 16, 2010 | Reply
Ali,
Your mentor is definitely a wise one. Thanks for your kind words, I’m doing my best to help the world become a little bit better. Keep up YOUR good work.
Take care,
Adam
drsheck | Nov 16, 2010 | Reply
Cathy,
First of all, congratulations on more than 30 years of marriage! Most of the research on long-term marriages state that partners learn to accept each other for what/who they are and that is a big part of the longevity. That being said, there’s always room for growth.
Thanks so much,
Adam
drsheck | Nov 16, 2010 | Reply
Hmmm, while I fully hear you and understand where you’re coming from, Adam, I have to say that I feel this is very one sided, and relationships are a 2 way street! My husband is not a communicator (I DO have friends whose husbands are!)
~ even about his accomplishments, hopes and dreams. Nor does he suddenly open up because the sex is really good at that time in our relationship! That being said, in those brief moments when he DOES share something with me, I certainly am more in the mood for sex! So I’d venture to say that if men would only communicate more…. 
OK, I get that men are nonverbal, and I constantly acknowledge and appreciate my husband for how deeply he loves me, what an extraordinary father he is, for his life-enhancing hugs and his desire to protect his family. AND I’d say I DO process 80% with my mom and girlfriends, but the 20% I need to process with my husband more often than not lands of deaf ears! And while I wish it were different, it is what it is, so I choose to focus on all the things that are great about him.
Perhaps I need your counseling!
I’m very happy in my relationship, but know things could always be better. I just don’t think that my going non-verbal is the solution. You definitely got me thinking though.
Beth Allen | Nov 16, 2010 | Reply
Beth,
Glad you took the time to digest this article. The article IS one-sided, in that it’s written for women to understand men a little bit better. I also post on how men can understand and relate better to women. It’s NOT either/or, just “turn-taking”. Please don’t feel that I’m suggesting you go “non-verbal” that would be a little extreme as well. Just consider the context, add more non-verbals where possible, and choose your talking “battles”.
Thanks for sharing,
Adam
drsheck | Nov 16, 2010 | Reply
Adam,
I applaud you for being so open with this subject. Everything you talked about is so true. Men & women process differently and have different perceptions on this – for sure! Sounds like you’re creating a space for a new venture. Could be so beneficial to those who need to understand themselves first before they can understand the relationship.
Thanks,
Val
Val Wilcox | Nov 16, 2010 | Reply
Great post, Adam…I totally agree! Once of my mentors once said, “Masculine men like to be respected and admired…while feminine energy based women like to be cherished.” AND…women need to TALK to their girlfriends and Connect with their men! So, RIGHT ON!!
I certainly have made the mistake of TALKING too much to my man at times and have learned to do that with my girlfriends and PLAY more with my man!
I know you are helping so many couples make huge strides in their relationships! BRAVO! We need more healthy, happy relationships in this world!
Ali | Nov 16, 2010 | Reply
Hello, Adam:
I know from exerience that a man doesn’t like to hear, “We need to talk.” Women tend to want to process, work through it emotionally, then get close. Men just want the physical closeness and forget working through anything — sex cures all issues! I appreciate your efforts trying to help couples experience passion and romance, to really connect. If changes are necessary in a relationship, it has to start somewhere so if it has to be one partner, that’s better than no one trying at all. I look forward to seeing your progress. Couples staying together, working towards that intimacy is a very noble mission.
Thank you for such an enlightening post.
Deborah
Deborah A. Ten Brink | Nov 17, 2010 | Reply
Deborah,
Thanks for your encouragement. I’m really just trying to figure out new ways to help couples that are resistant to the “typical” ways.
Take care,
Adam
drsheck | Nov 17, 2010 | Reply
Great stuff. My wife & I want through a pre-marriage class and one of them was on communication. Sometimes very hard. What made that class difficult was that you had to actually pick a fight with the other person and then communicate rationally.
I love the “Connect” rather than constant communication.
Jeremiah M. Wean | Nov 17, 2010 | Reply
Jeremiah,
Good for you doing the pre-marriage class! I think it’s one of the best things we can do to support our relationships. And yes, the distinction between “connection” and “communication” is a big one for us all to understand, as they’re not synonymous for men.
Thanks for sharing,
Adam
drsheck | Nov 17, 2010 | Reply
Adam,
You are acknowledging something important. In my work with hundreds of couples, I would say I have to agree with you. Most of the men do not want to talk and start to feel vulnerable, even ambushed, because the talking often suggests that they are at fault and have to change – and they don’t want to change. Nobody really wants to change; rather, we all want to be loved and accepted exactly the way we are.
So I would say – talk less, listen more and touch more (gentle, soothing, loving, caring and sensual touch). My favorite metaphor for talking would be the movements in Tai Chi. If you are facing an opponent, you gracefully keep getting out of the way of the opponent’s force. But then, as you build up the energy from having deflected for awhile, all you have to do is lightly point your finger in their direction and they go flying. That is the way talk can be very powerful. Less is more. If you follow the Four Agreements in my recent blog post – “Be impeccable with your word”
Erica
Dr. Erica Goodstone | Nov 17, 2010 | Reply
Erica,
I’m not surprised your clinical experience matches mine in terms of couples and their willingness to do the work. I’m just seeking to create some non-traditional options to create a little more momentum where I can help couples to improve.
Thanks for sharing,
Adam
drsheck | Nov 18, 2010 | Reply
Adam-
I think this is a very informative post, but don’t you think sometimes women are stuck when they need to talk to someone and can’t talk to their husbands because they (husbands) don’t want to, but at the same time those same husbands get upset that their wives are talking to everyone else about their relationship and/or feelings?
I have a friend in this very situation and I have no clue what to tell her, so she keeps everything inside.
Cori Hughes | Nov 19, 2010 | Reply
Cori,
You are correct, it does put women in a double bind here. And, an issue like your friend’s would fall under that “20% rule” of issues that need to be discussed with our partners. I’m not advocating sweeping things under the carpet or keeping things bottled up inside. That’s dangerous to our mental AND physical health. We just need to choose our “battles”.
Thanks for your insight,
Adam
drsheck | Nov 19, 2010 | Reply
Hi Adam,
Very interesting. Women do like to process and share much more verbally and their mate is the obvious, “handy” recipient, (at least in a marriage or live-in relationship) leading to the over-talking that you describe. We’ve all also experienced the ‘deaf ears’ and ‘selective hearing’ from the men in our lives.
Talking to girlfriends (90%) may take a bit of creativity as well. I know a number of men who also want their woman’s undivided attention in the evenings and don’t ‘get’ or appreciate the phone time spent with friends.
I do think you are on to something counseling the women in a relationship. I’m looking forward to reading about your results.
Linnea | Nov 19, 2010 | Reply
LInnea,
Your comments are on the money. It IS a tough dance, as we men are babies and want our attention, yet we usually want it to be about us unless we can solve your problems and feel valuable that way. I’m working on it, looking forward to having something prepared for the new year to help relationships.
Take care,
Adam
drsheck | Nov 19, 2010 | Reply
Hello Adam,
This is a very interesting blog.
You do take an original stance in this post, as most people tell us to talk more and not less
I think it partly depends on our motivation, as many people talk simply to make themselves feel better with little thought of the impact on the poor listener! Your post makes us think about this.
All best wishes,
Diane
Diane Cleak | Nov 19, 2010 | Reply
Diane,
Glad that I’m motivating some thought and reflection in you. It’s indeed a tricky area, as we ALL want the same result, it’s just a matter of how to build a bridge to get there.
Thanks for sharing,
Adam
drsheck | Nov 19, 2010 | Reply
As always Adam you are spot on. My wife and I have come to understand that very well through our personal development training. The one thing we do quite often is to both be in the “Now” while we’re outside enjoying the beauty and also if someone wants to talk to be very present in that too. We also agree not to think about what the other person might be thinking when they say something. It works very well for us.
Michael
Mr. Personal Development Michael Berry | Nov 19, 2010 | Reply
Michael,
I would definitely agree, being in the moment is a great practice for being connected to ourselves AND to our partners. Good for you both!
Take care,
Adam
drsheck | Nov 19, 2010 | Reply
Adam another amazing post. I love your insight and lessons in relationships. I agree that Men and Women really are different and work in different ways. I have found myself talking less lately and thinking about what I would say most of the time. I have realized most of it is not important. Your right we need to chat more with the girl friends more. Thank you for the great advice.
Love always
Julie Elliott
Julie Elliott | Nov 19, 2010 | Reply
Julie,
Thanks for your kind words and congratulations on recognizing the value in choosing what to express and when.
Take care,
Adam
drsheck | Nov 19, 2010 | Reply
Sounds like a good spin on it all Adam. I have heard that the way we relate comes from very different places. I question again why all the investment in the relationship has to come from the women and not the men however….just a question.
If the relationship is for the good of both why not a two way commitment? For women to stop talking is one thing but what are you telling the men or have you just decided that you want to work with only the one side?
rebeccahappy | Nov 20, 2010 | Reply
Rebecca,
It doesn’t have to be one-sided at all. This is just a piece I’ve written for women who want to have some insight into what works in relationship with men. I’ve written (and continue to write) pieces for men as well. However, as my experience is that men will not work on a relationship until it is clearly “broken” which is often too late, I would encourage women to be proactive, as they often make the nurturing of the relationship a higher priority. Men make the relationship itself a high priority, they just show it in a different way. Make sense? AND, I am creating a program to help women, as I already have programs for working with couples.
Adam
drsheck | Nov 20, 2010 | Reply
You are obsolutely correct Adam, listening do most of the stuff..I often feel disturbed when my friends talk too much…
James Fulton | Nov 20, 2010 | Reply
James,
Glad it makes sense to you. Now the work is finding/creating ways to connect that are congruent with who we are.
Take care,
Adam
drsheck | Nov 20, 2010 | Reply
Hi Adam,
Very interesting didn’t know this 80/20 rule still applies in relationships!!! I might as well stick around to learn more,there are real tips here.Thanks
To your unlimited potential,
~kebabope morapedi
kebabope | Nov 21, 2010 | Reply
Keba,
Welcome! Hope I am able to serve you in understanding relationships better. You’re always welcome to ask me questions at http://www.askadamnow.com
Take care,
Adam
drsheck | Nov 21, 2010 | Reply
Hello Adam,
Great post, it is definitely hitting home. I use to regress my husband all the time by talking to much. But my husband and I no longer suffer from this disease. We make sure we talk about things that we both enjoy. Great tip!
Have a good one,
Tara
Taralee Bernier | Nov 26, 2010 | Reply
Tara,
Glad it makes sense to you. I only mean it in a constructive way and will be developing the concept further for sure.
Thanks,
Adam
drsheck | Nov 26, 2010 | Reply
Adam, I think that like many women I read through this and reacted/flinched. It actually took me a re-read to realize that the emphasis of this article kind of breezed over something that is one of the significant points that women do not easily distinguish… the difference between sharing, the what, why, when how of it… versus talking.
Once I found that paragraph and looked at it, it became obvious that this post really isn’t about all verbal manipulation of the lips in general but “talking” as in … “we need to talk”. There’s a huge difference between that kinda talk and the small talk, casual, sharing, banter that belongs in a healthy relationship particularly when one partners primary love language IS verbal.
I read the followup, but I feel you’d do well to come back and “split hairs” on this topic and elaborate on it.
Its taking me a lot of time with my partner to get him comfortable simply sharing the random every day bits of life. That not everything that DOES come out of him in a verbal sense, must be “srs bidness” – but that the sharing bits still provide me with strong verbal connectivity and help to strengthen us even if he finds them rather pointless. Still, I know he’s finding it easier to learn to share those things, than to find me verbal need starved and pulling him in to much more serious “talking” on a hyper regular basis.
Thanks Adam,
Kimberly
Kimberly Castleberry | Nov 30, 2010 | Reply
Kimberly,
It’s not an easy dance, the “dialogue of intimacy” between partners and there are no formulas. If there is enough commitment and willingness, we can discover it for ourselves. My work is to try to make it a little easier and remove a few bumps along the way. I appreciate you flinching AND continuing on with the post. There is much more to elaborate upon.
Take care,
Adam
drsheck | Nov 30, 2010 | Reply
I lost a very wonderful relationship because of this one.
It was a relationship that COULD’VE BEEN saved.
Anyways, I believe there’s a light in all this.
M | Dec 16, 2010 | Reply
All we can do is learn from the past and try not to repeat old mistakes.
Wish you the best,
Adam
drsheck | Dec 16, 2010 | Reply
While I appreciate the fact that women like to talk more to process things, its unfair when a man doesn’t want to hear how his actions have caused hurt or pain. I spent 17 yrs with a man and I gave him everything but what I got was lies and cover ups. When I tried to tell him how his lying hurt me and how it breaks the trust in a relationship,and how he needed to put himself in my shoes and ask himself how he would respond if it were me lying to him, all i got was ok, I am sorry. It never changed and neither did he. I finally broke it off a month ago. I am tired of doing all this giving and nuturing and not getting back the one important foundation in a relationship and that is implied trust! Men can clam up all they want to and use the excuse we don’t process feelings but that doesn’t cut it in my book. They damn sure know what they are doing and how much it hurts us, they just don’t care. This is my 3rd relationship over the years and frankly, I have had enough.
Pat | Jan 12, 2011 | Reply
Pat,
I’m so sorry that you’ve been hurt and disappointed in the past and that you’re ready to be in a relationship with someone who has more of the qualities you are looking for. The purpose of my post is not to make excuses, just to give women a frame of reference for improving their relationship from THEIR perspective. If a man came to me, I would explain what a woman needs and how he can provide that.
Wish you the best,
Adam
drsheck | Jan 12, 2011 | Reply
Down through the years I’ve come to understand this 80/20 rule, but it takes a long time! Even in working with men and discussing something related to the work, I’ve found that men simply cannot “hang in” there with me! I’ve had to learn to say things differently, and if I really need to discuss something to be up front and say what I’m doing before I do it.
Sherry | Jan 30, 2011 | Reply
Sherry,
It definitely IS a challenge. It’s knowing which 20% is best to share and knowing the best way/style to share it. It’s only now beginning to make sense to me as well, and I’ve been working with couples for twenty years! That’s why I’m offering the course, to share what I’ve learned.
Take care,
Adam
drsheck | Jan 30, 2011 | Reply