What Is YOUR Love Language?
By drsheck on Mar 6, 2011 in Communication, Relationship, Romance
What Is YOUR Love Language?
I’ve been working with couples for twenty years and a big part of my work is to serve as a “translator” for the couple. It often seems that they don’t speak each other’s language.
The issue seems to be much more than the simple “men are from Mars, women are from Venus” idea of the difference between the sexes. I work with many gay and lesbian couples as well, and EVERY couple seems to have a language barrier.
One model that seems to help is that of the idea first described by Dr. Gary Chapman in his book, The 5 Love Languages: The Secret To Love That Lasts. In it, he explains that learning to speak your partner’s “love language” is a huge key to connecting. And I agree that connection (or lack of connection, actually) is the main issue that most couples enter my counseling office to address.
The five Love Languages are: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Gift Giving, Acts of Service and Physical Touch.
Words of Affirmation
- For some, words speak louder than actions, reversing the popular truism. In this love language, verbal compliments, words of kindness and encouragement are so very important. AND, when someone affirms us, we are often motivated to reciprocate!
Quality Time
- In this love language, giving someone our full, undivided attention is heavenly! Unplugging from the Internet, cellphone, iPod, etc., demonstrates your love to them. Connecting through words and dialogue or through shared activities communicates love.
Receiving Gifts
- This love language isn’t about materialism, it’s more about the effort and thought behind the gift that expresses love to your partner. Gestures “just because” are as important as honoring birthdays and anniversaries. And the gift of your presence is also important!
Acts of Service
- Actions that make your partner’s life easier and relieve some of their burden fit under this language of love. Washing the car, taking out the garbage, changing a diaper, resetting the computer are all potential acts of service. They communicate love because they require thought, empathy, and effort.
Physical Touch
Affectionate touch, hugging, holding hands, caressing and gentle placing of hands are all part of this love language. It includes sexual touch yet is so much more as well. Tenderness as well as physical presence and accessibility can beige comforts in this love language.
From these short descriptions, you can probably determine your primary language of love. And, you can probably assess what your partner’s is as well, though you can always ask!
And while we tend to speak from our primary love language, we may confuse or frustrate our partner when it is not their love language and they don’t quite understand what we are communicating. On the other side, if we want our partner to feel the love we are communicating, we might want to “translate” our message into their primary love language.
As an experiment this week, I encourage you to actively and consciously communicate in your partner’s language of love. And I’d love to hear your results!
Please comment below with your love language and how the experiment goes for you.
Thanks so much,
Dr. Adam Sheck
If you enjoyed this “Love Language” tip and would like more passion tips and receive my Free Special Report, “20 Rituals For Romance” please go to: www.freepassiontips.com.
Poly-Friendly Professionals 
Adam thanks for taking the time to separate the 5 things we can do to help our relationship with our mates. I have been married for 40 years and I do try to do these things however this is a great reminder! Thanks Ross
Ross Joyner | Mar 6, 2011 | Reply
Adam,
Excellent and informative post. All the 5 love languages are great and they are essential in any relationships. However, may I now if couples should place priority on Quality Time more or Physical Touch ? Personally, I find quality time involves action and effort while Physical Touch can sometimes be a habit of a loving person who loves touching while having conversation
I truly enjoy this post, Adam ! The Love Languages are essential and so true. Should be practiced by every couples
Thank you !
Cheers
Pearly
Pearly | Mar 7, 2011 | Reply
Adam,
I love this book. I have quoted those 5 love languages in the past. Thanks for the reminder.
Warmly,
Erica
Dr. Erica Goodstone | Mar 7, 2011 | Reply
Adam, I am so excited that I found your blog.
You have great content. I know that what you are sharing will make a difference in my relationship with my husband.
(I already forwarded your blog to him).
Thanks for sharing the 5 languages. I am planning to read your post together with my husband and discuss those 5 languages. It will be exciting to get back (or start) implementing them.
Wonderful. I am eager to share your material with others.
Sigal Zoldan
Still Single? http://AttractYourTrueLove.com
http://blog.sigalzoldan.com
Sigal Zoldan | Mar 9, 2011 | Reply
Hi Adam:
I have been wanting to read this book for a long time. I think this is a key understanding that every couple should understand. Communication is so important in any successful relationship.
Thank you for sharing!
~Trish Kirby
Trish Kirby | Mar 9, 2011 | Reply
Wonderful Advice Adam. Seems like that book touches on five important senses of showing Love in five different ways. There are so many levels of showing it apparently. I think sometimes we just need to take a moment and think through the things that ignited the desire at first and what probably has lacked. Probably then and only then you can reignite the fire again when the flame has fizzled out a bit. Thanks for sharing
Steven Dean
Steven Dean | Mar 10, 2011 | Reply
Great information. These are really important if we want a successful long lasting relationship.
Melodie Kantner | Mar 10, 2011 | Reply
Adam,
You’re the 2nd person this week recommending this book. I must get it. I believe my love language is affirmations and I believe my husbands is acts of service.
A quick way of understanding your partner’s love language is to see how they ‘speak’ to you. Often we ‘speak’ in the language we want to be spoken to.
I tend to share my love with my honey with affirmations because that I what I want. And he uses acts of service because that is what he wants.
I’m going to put your challenge to the test. If I’m right about our love languages, I should have great results to report!
Debbie Lattuga | Mar 11, 2011 | Reply
I’m one of those delightful folks that ties two and has a very very close third. A surprising observation from my then-spouse was that meeting one of them was not enough, that I actually require getting it in all three zones. Another layer of complexity was, overlapping modalities, to realize that “hearing” words of affirmation, was not nearly as impactful as having them in written form, as I am strongly visual-verbal rather than auditory-verbal (unlike most).
Kimberly
Kimberly Castleberry | Mar 20, 2011 | Reply
Adam,
What we find is that although there may be one “language” we each “speak” most often, we speak all of them at some time. And you’re right, it is a great idea to understand how our partners like to be shown our love and appreciation for them.
Thanks,
~ Pat and Lorna
http://TheCoolestCouple.com
Pat and Lorna Shanks | Mar 26, 2011 | Reply