And interestingly enough, there was only one male response. In that post, I promised a sequel, speaking about what women want, and after long contemplation I have finally written it.

You might ask, who am I to say what women want, being a man and all?  I’ve worked with many a women over my last twenty years as a psychotherapist (statistically, about 80% of psychotherapy patients ARE indeed women).  My private practice these days is about 50% couples and the rest are clients mainly with relationship issues.  So, I’ve heard both sides of this story for a very long time.

So I feel somewhat competent and qualified to share my perspective on what women want from their PARTNER in a relationship.  Most of my clinical experience is with heterosexual women, though I have worked with a few dozen lesbian couples over the years.

And what women want in a relationship seems pretty consistent, across the board.  I originally started writing this article by talking about the qualities a women wants in a partner, but changed my focus as it has been written about ad nauseum already (women want safety, security, a partner they can trust, yada, yada, yada …).

Instead, my belief about what a woman wants in a relationship is:  CONNECTION. Connection is what makes a woman FEEL safe and secure, what makes her feel important and special, cherished and adored, and especially LOVED.

Women want to feel INCLUDED in their relationship.  Included in decision-making, included in the shared vision that they create with their partner, included in their partner’s heart, included in the lovemaking.  Women in general want to be made love WITH, not made love TO!

Women want to be accepted by their partner.  Accepted for who they ARE and accepted for who they are NOT.  We all have enough insecurities without our partner adding to the list.  And this, after all (at least to me) is the ultimate definition of LOVE: to be accepted for who you are and who you are not.

And we can take that even one step further if we really want to go the distance!  We can not only accept our partners for who and what they are and are not, we can CHERISH our partners for these qualities.  We can APPRECIATE them for these qualities.  We can even ADORE them for these qualities.

Oh yes, there is this one caveat though.  Unfortunately (for most men, at least), connection with a woman often begins with the “T” word: TALKING!  And therein lies a big dilemma.  Which I will have to write about another time

So ladies (and gentlemen) what is your reaction to what I’m saying, to what I calling “what women want” ?  Does it make sense?  Do you agree?  Do you believe I’m full of it?  Please let me know.

Thank you so much,

Dr. Adam Sheck

So watch this video, it lasts less than two minutes (which is a problem in the sex life of some of my couples as well, but I CAN help them!) and enjoy yourselves!  Don’t worry, the pictures are all PG!  And once again, I’ve picked the BEST music!  Enjoy.

Click here to view the embedded video.

And PLEASE, share this with your friends!

Thanks so much,

Dr. Adam Sheck

Let me share a few tips that might help make this happen.  For anyone (and especially a man) to open up about their emotions, there definitely needs to be trust and safety in the relationship.  This may take time and “baby step” experiences of opening up to develop.  And, if there is any history of betrayal from the past, including early childhood issues, this may be even more challenging .

That being said, the likelihood this actually happening can be improved by taking the following steps:

1. Don’t push for feelings!  This usually gets the opposite result in men and they will dig in even deeper.  Just create an environment of what IS shared.  This will create safety.

2. Positive reinforcement is the key.  Like training a dog (which is perhaps a good metaphor here), you need to give us rewards for those baby steps in opening up and sharing.

3. Be interested and curious about what your partner has to share.  Don’t have an agenda about what subjects are to be shared or communicated.  Let it flow organically.

4. Express appreciation and gratitude for what IS shared.  We all want to be admired for stretching beyond our comfort zone and need the kudos.  Again, this is positive reinforcement.

5. Be sensitive in how you respond to what is shared.  Any feeling of judgment or negative reaction, any defensiveness, will most likely shut him down in these early stages of sharing.  Remember, you ASKED for it, so be prepared, in case you hear things that you don’t necessarily enjoy hearing.

6. Finally, initiate these conversations with a “soft startup.” This is a term defined by Dr. John Gottman, a well-respected relationship researcher.  One of the major indicators of a successful relationship is beginning a conversation with kindness, acceptance, compassion and caring.

In general, women are much better at the “soft startup” than men, so if you want the conversation to go in a positive direction, be aware of this and take responsibility for creating it.  Keep in mind that discussions in general end on a similar emotional tone as the tone they begin on.

This is also a great tip for conflict resolution with your partner, as men are much more likely to share their feelings when there is conflict going on.  Gottman’s research indicates that 96% of the time that a communication involves a “soft start” it ends with a positive resolution.  Pretty good odds, don’t you think?

Some tips for the “soft startup” are:

• Select a relatively stress-free time in the day.

• Start off the discussion with a positive statement.

• Use “I” statements to avoid the feeling of blame.

• Show appreciation for your partner if any progress is made.  Again, positive reinforcement is crucial.

• If either of you becomes too triggered, consider a time-out to cool down and continue the discussion later.

To clarify this last statement, while it’s good to vent, it is better to vent to a friend or a therapist.  To be even more precise, it’s good for YOU to vent, but venting about your partner TO your partner is NOT very good for your relationship!

I’ve presented a lot of information here and I hope that it will be helpful.  Test it out and please post your comments on how it works for you.  And please SHARE this with your friends as well.

Thank you so much,

Dr. Adam Sheck

]]> http://passion101.com/blog/2010/08/get-a-man-to-share-his-feelings/feed/ 34 http://passion101.com/blog/2010/08/how-to-get-a-man-to-share-his-feelings-august-ask-adam-teleseminar-audio-replay/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=how-to-get-a-man-to-share-his-feelings-august-ask-adam-teleseminar-audio-replay http://passion101.com/blog/2010/08/how-to-get-a-man-to-share-his-feelings-august-ask-adam-teleseminar-audio-replay/#comments Sat, 21 Aug 2010 16:33:18 +0000 drsheck http://passion101.com/blog/?p=2618

I’m pleased to announce that the replay of my August “Ask Adam” Teleseminar is now available! It was a great teleseminar with wonderful questions. I answered concerns people had about:

1. How to get a

…

While for some this is an ideal, this is the dream relationship, psychologically, it’s not very healthy.  And, it’s not very interesting!  Where are the surprises?  Where is the spontaneity?  We might get along well, but where has the PASSION gone?

So, the antidote for this type of relationship is to balance it out with some CONSCIOUS SELFISHNESS! I’m not saying to be disrespectful or break the rules or boundaries you’ve set in your relationship, just that you need to take care of yourself and create an independent life AS WELL as a shared life of partnership.

For some of the time, it is good and healthy to put ME before WE! You’ll hear this on every airplane during the first minutes of flight – “If there is a problem and the oxygen masks activate, strap yours on FIRST before helping anyone else.”  And those familiar with twelve step programs will also have heard that recovery is a “selfish” program.

There was a book in the 80’s (I’ve been doing this for a long time!) called “Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?”  I can’t remember a whole lot about the book, but the title was memorable and PRICELESS!

You NEED to be YOU so that you can LOVE others.  And so that when others love YOU, you know whom they are loving!  I can’t overemphasize this enough.

And for those of you that protest this, please remember that it’s all about balance.  There are also couples that are more emotionally cutoff that need a different solution than this.  Yet many will benefit from this advice as well.  You know who you are!

Remember: ME before WE! And then the WE has the potential to be so much stronger, more loving and more passionate!

As always, I welcome your comments and appreciate your sharing this post with your friends and colleagues.

Thank you so much,

Dr. Adam Sheck

Just click on the screen below to watch it right now!  And turn up the volume, the music is GREAT!

It applies whether the relationship is with an intimate partner, a family member, a friend, a coworker or anyone else!  Just click below and enjoy!  I’m especially proud of the music selection!

Thank you so much,

Dr. Adam Sheck

In no particular order, the three styles of managing conflict are:

1. Volatile: This is the high conflict, in-your-face, argumentative couple that fight all the time.  They have higher energy, higher volume and higher passion in their expression.

2. Avoider: This couple will minimize conflict as much as possible.  They will interact, just not about any subject that could prove to be contentious.  They don’t believe in being openly angry.

3. Validator: I jokingly call this, the “therapized couple” which are the kind that newly licensed couples therapist seem to think are the “best” kind of couple to work with.  They remain calm, listen, make sure that both sides are heard and appreciated in the conflict.  They tend to search for the compromise.

So, which style of couple are you: Volatile, Avoider or Validator? And does it even matter?

The TRUTH according to the research of highly respected couples pioneer, John Gottman, Ph.D. is NO, it doesn’t matter! Gottman’s research indicates that couples of all three styles of conflict resolution are equally stable across time, provided that the couple has a ratio of positive to negative interactions of 5:1.

I can certainly vouch for this, as one of my daughter’s best friend’s parents have spent the last twenty years screaming at each other, getting out their frustrations and passions and have successfully raised three children and are still going strong.

What do you think about this?  Please comment and let me know.

Thanks so much,

Dr. Adam Sheck

Each of us expresses these ingredients to varying degrees and we give them different importance and priority.  However, to be truly happy over the long haul, we need to create some kind of balance.

CHEMISTRY is that intangible, unspoken, energetic that results in those  incredible feelings of romance, longing, lust and sexual excitement.  Is it genetic, caused by the proper DNA match or is it psychologically based?   Or is it perhaps some combination of the two or something else entirely?  Does anyone know how it really is created or is it more a “we know it when we feel it” sort of thing?  Whatever it is, WE WANT IT!

COMPATIBILITY is the key to sustaining a relationship over the long haul.  It provides the qualities that bond us over the ups and downs of life, that keep us going.  It’s the quality that makes life a little sweeter for us.  It can include the areas of well-matched interests, common backgrounds, and similar values. Even though sharing common beliefs is important, it is even MORE important to be accepting and tolerant of our partner and our DIFFERENCES.  That is truly what makes us compatible.

COMMITMENT is that attitude, that decision, that choice that gives us a sense of security and permanence.  It gives us a perspective, so that when the going gets tough, we remember WHY we are together and it gives us the strength to keep on keeping on.  We have created a “shared vision” of our relationship and we take the steps necessary to stay true to that vision.  This is TRULY what commitment is.

Each of us in stronger or more dominant in one of the three C’s. One may be a higher priority for us.  One may be more crucial and touch us in a deeper place.  The absence of one may be a “dealbreaker” for us, while the absence of a different one may be the issue for our partner.

The stereotypes, of course, are that men are more into the chemistry and that women are more into the commitment. While there may be truth to this, I find that my couples counseling practice reveals to me MANY exceptions to these generalizations.  In fact, I just started seeing three new couples last week and in all three (heterosexual) couples, one of the biggest issues is that the wife wants more sex than the husband!

And certainly, we all want someone who we are compatible with. Yet, compatibility without chemistry is like living with a roommate.  Which is fine if that’s what you choose to do.  Many couples come to see me because they are living this way, and want it to be different.  They want to get back to that honeymoon, passionate stage.  And I help the majority of them to accomplish this!

One major tool that I utilize, is the fourth ‘C’ which is COMMUNICATION!  But I’ll save that for another post.

In the meantime, what is YOUR dominant ‘C’ and how do you negotiate the 3 C’s with YOUR partner?  Please comment below and let me know.

Thanks so much,

Dr. Adam Sheck

I’m pleased to announce that the replay of my July “Ask Adam” Teleseminar is now available! It was a great teleseminar with wonderful questions. I answered concerns people had about:

1. How can a couple that has had an affair, currently has very little in common and where the husband needs pornography to get aroused, bring back the passion?

2. How can a couple that has been in unsuccessful counseling, return to treatment and get the support they need?

3. Can a woman be sexual and still be “presentable” in society?

4. How can I tell if my relationship is “right” for me?

5. How can a “new” relationship that is already acting like an “old married couple” bring back the passion?

You can either listen to the replay here on the Passion 101 blogsite by clicking on the “play” button or you can download the replay to listen to later at your convenience.

Next month (August), I’ll be holding another “Ask Adam” Teleseminar. You can find out more and ask me your most important questions by registering for these free events at www.askadamnow.com or clicking on the link below:

Register for my next teleseminar event

And PLEASE, forward this post to anyone you feel might benefit from it.  You can do so easily by just clicking on the “Bookmark & Share” button below.

Thanks again,

Dr. Adam Sheck

There was a study by researchers from the Australian National University entitled “What’s Love Got to Do With It” that tracked close to 2,500 couple from 2001 to 2007. The purpose was to figure out qualities or factors that could identify who stayed together versus who divorced or separated.

Some of the major factors identified were:

1. Husbands who are nine or more years older than their wives were twice as likely to get divorced, as are husbands who get married before they turned 25.
2. Twenty percent of couples who have kids before marriage, either from a previous relationship or from their current relationship, separated compared to nine percent of couples without children born before marriage.
3. Sixteen percent of men and women whose parents separated or divorced experienced marital separation themselves compared to ten percent for those whose parents did not separate.
4. Partners on their second or third marriage are ninety percent more likely to separate than those who are both in their first marriage.
5. Women who want children much more than their partners are more likely to get a divorce.

While this research gives us some interesting information, it still doesn’t give us the SOLUTION! How can we stay in our relationships and be happy and be passionate?

There’s not short answer or I would only have to see couples in my counseling practice for a single session or two, yet here are two suggestions I have (and have blogged about more extensively in the links below):

5:1 Ratio:

There is extensive research that couples that have a ratio of five positive interactions for every one negative interaction are significantly more likely to stay together.  In fact, studies of this ratio indicate it as over 80% accurate in predicting divorce.  Read more about it by clicking on my blog post: Have Fun In Your Relationship

The 3 C’s of Relationship: Chemistry, Compatibility & Commitment!

I’ve been telling my couples about the 3 C’s for years and I really thought that I had written a blog post about it to link here, yet I can’t seem to find it.  So guess what?  I’m going to have to write about it for next week’s post!

Stay tuned!

Dr. Adam Sheck

And PLEASE, if you haven’t subscribed to my free, monthly Passion 101 Newsletter yet, please Click Here to do so.  You’ll also receive my Special Report: 20 Rituals for Romance!

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