I’m pleased to announce that the replay of my August “Ask Adam” Teleseminar is now available! It was a great teleseminar with wonderful questions. I answered concerns people had about:

1. How to get a man to open up about his FEELINGS?

2. How to be in a relationship with a partner with Bipolar Disorder (Manic Depression)?

3. How to know the person you’re dating is the “right” one to make a commitment with?

4. Do we EVER get to the point where are childhood issues don’t influence our relationships?

You can either listen to the replay here on the Passion 101 Blogsite by clicking on the “play” button or you can download the replay to listen to later at your convenience.

Next month (September), I’ll be holding another “Ask Adam” Teleseminar. You can find out more and ask me your most important questions by registering for these free events at www.askadamnow.com or clicking on the link below:

Register for my next teleseminar event

And PLEASE, forward this post to anyone you feel might benefit from it.  You can do so easily by just clicking on the “Bookmark & Share” button below.

Thanks again,

Dr. Adam Sheck

I’m pleased to announce that the replay of my July “Ask Adam” Teleseminar is now available! It was a great teleseminar with wonderful questions. I answered concerns people had about:

1. How can a couple that has had an affair, currently has very little in common and where the husband needs pornography to get aroused, bring back the passion?

2. How can a couple that has been in unsuccessful counseling, return to treatment and get the support they need?

3. Can a woman be sexual and still be “presentable” in society?

4. How can I tell if my relationship is “right” for me?

5. How can a “new” relationship that is already acting like an “old married couple” bring back the passion?

You can either listen to the replay here on the Passion 101 blogsite by clicking on the “play” button or you can download the replay to listen to later at your convenience.

Next month (August), I’ll be holding another “Ask Adam” Teleseminar. You can find out more and ask me your most important questions by registering for these free events at www.askadamnow.com or clicking on the link below:

Register for my next teleseminar event

And PLEASE, forward this post to anyone you feel might benefit from it.  You can do so easily by just clicking on the “Bookmark & Share” button below.

Thanks again,

Dr. Adam Sheck

I’m pleased to announce that the replay of my June “Ask Adam” Teleseminar is now available! It was a great teleseminar with wonderful questions. I answered concerns people had about:

1. Should we break up or make up?

2. Ways to increase intimacy.

3. Living together versus getting married.

4. My philosophy of couples counseling.

You can either listen to the replay here on the Passion 101 blogsite by clicking on the “play” button or you can download the replay to listen to later at your convenience.

Next month (July), I’ll be holding another “Ask Adam” Teleseminar. You can find out more and ask me your most important questions by registering for these free events at www.askadamnow.com or clicking on the link below:

Register for my next teleseminar event

And PLEASE, forward this post to anyone you feel might benefit from it.  You can do so easily by just clicking on the “Bookmark & Share” button below.

Thanks again,

Dr. Adam Sheck

1. The most important thing to know to have a long-lasting relationship.

2. The value of pre-marital (or pre-commitment) counseling.

3. A friend who “leads me on” and what that might mean.

4. The concept of the “maximizer” and the “minimizer” in relationships.

5. Sex drive differences between men and women.

You can either listen to the replay here on the Passion 101 blogsite by clicking on the “play” button or you can download the replay to listen to later at your convenience.

Next month (June), I’ll be holding another “Ask Adam” Teleseminar. You can find out more and ask me your most important questions by registering for these free events at www.askadamnow.com or clicking on the link below:

Register for my next teleseminar event

And PLEASE, forward this post to anyone you feel might benefit from it.  You can do so easily by just clicking on the “SHARE” button below.

Thanks again,

Dr. Adam Sheck

1. Dating a man who was only interested in sex.

2. Self-judgment about being an older woman who is attracted to younger men (a “cougar”)

3. How do I find an intelligent, well-educated, employed, spiritual romantic partner?

4. What is your (Dr. Sheck’s) philosophy of working with couples?

You can either listen to the replay here on the Passion 101 blogsite by clicking on the “play” button or you can download the replay to listen to later at your convenience.

Next month (May), I’ll be holding another “Ask Adam” Teleseminar. You can find out more and ask me your most important questions by registering for these free events at www.askadamnow.com or clicking on the link below:

Register for my next teleseminar event

And PLEASE, forward this post to anyone you feel might benefit from it.  You can do so easily by just clicking on the “SHARE” button below.

Thanks again,

Dr. Adam Sheck

It’s been two months since our first child was born.  The doctor said that after 6 weeks we can have sex again, but I don’t really feel like it.  My husband is definitely ready though.  What should I do?

Tired & Torn

Dear T & T

This is not uncommon and the short answer is to be patient, communicate your feelings and let nature take it’s course.  Your body may be healed sufficiently to begin to have sex with your husband again after 6-8 weeks, but emotionally it may take longer.

At this point your energy level and sexual desire will most likely not be up to your usual level.  And, your body is changing.  It’s changing physically and you may view it emotionally in a different way than before as well.

You may feel more maternal than sexual.  Your perception of your breasts may have changed from an erotic zone to a feeding zone.

Breastfeeding causes estrogen levels to drop; estrogen affects not only the libido, but also the lining of the vagina, which can became dry, making sex painful. Your physician can help you with issues like these.

Add to physical and emotional changes, the fact that you haven’t been physically intimate, physically connected in that way for quite some time.  Be patient with yourself.

It’s okay to take your time in reconnecting.  And it’s important to communicate with your husband about this.  He has most likely been quite patient and wants to reconnect with you in one of the ways that he knows how to.

Men often are more comfortable connecting with their partners in a physical way than an emotional or verbal way.  So, he is probably missing the connection with you as much as he’s missing the sex, maybe even more.

So begin to connect on a physical level again, even if it’s not a sexual level.  Get back to the physical intimacy and closeness. Touch, kiss, massage, rub each other’s feet, hold each other, cuddle.

Create a romantic scenario, even if sex isn’t the goal in that specific moment.  Visualize romantic scenes as well, to prime the “pump” of the unconscious.

Be patient, can take a good three months to two years to get your sex life back to “normal.”  And of course, by then you might be thinking of having another child!  And it starts all over again!

Bottom line: Communicate!

Normalize the experience of just having a baby and know that it takes time to get back into a rhythm. Be realistic

Be realistic, AND make it happen anyway. Make it a priority, if that’s what you choose to do.

Thank you so much,

Dr. Adam Sheck

I would really appreciate your feedback on this subject. Have you had an experience with infidelity? Did you see a therapist? Were you able to work it out with your partner? What was helpful about the treatment? And as always, click on the “Share” button below to forward this article to your friends, family and colleagues that you feel might benefit from it.

1. Creating a passionate, intimate, sexual relationship while balancing the task of raising the kids.

2. How to work through the pain of an affair.

3. Tips for keeping a relationship fresh and exciting.

4. How to work with a couple that seems to fight all of the time.

5. What to do when your partner is addicted to drugs or alcohol.

You can either listen to the replay here on the Passion 101 blogsite by clicking on the “play” button or you can download the replay to listen to later at your convenience.

Next month (April), I’ll be interviewing Kirsten Nelson, “The Professional Mother” on how to have a more passionate relationship while raising the kids AND I’ll also be holding another “Ask Adam” Teleseminar. You can find out more and ask me your most important questions by registering for these free events at www.askadamnow.com or clicking on the link below:

Register for my next teleseminar event

And PLEASE, forward this post to anyone you feel might benefit from it.  You can do so easily by just clicking on the “SHARE” button below.

Thanks again,

Dr. Adam Sheck

I’ve just found out my husband has been in a three and a half year affair!  Do you feel that it is possible to salvage our marriage?

Betrayed

Dear Betrayed,

This is an extremely challenging issue, yet in my experience it can be worked through.  I’d say on any given week in my couples counseling practice, I have at least one couple trying to work through an affair and reconnect.

The process is a slow one, usually taking months or even years. It’s tough, no question, yet it’s not impossible.  Couples that truly love each other, are deeply connected and genuinely want to work it through, can work it through, in my experience.

Now in the case of a long-term marriage such as yours, there might be more commitment and more history to motivate doing the work to heal the marriage.  You need to find your own reasons for choosing to work things through.

That being said, it definitely takes time, compassion and patience, and I would recommend the following steps.  First, I would recommend seeking professional help.  This issue is way too charged to deal with on your own.  The work is not easy. In fact, it is quite painful.  And, the outcome is not guaranteed.  The end result will be worth it though.

Even if you can’t salvage your marriage you will both achieve some degree of healing which you will carry into your next relationships.  And if you have children, it will help you to be better co-parents.

So, the basic steps of healing an affair are:

1. What does the partner who was cheated on need from the other partner? Do they need details?  Do they need explanations?  Do they need to understand why this happened?   The details may be uncomfortable to hear, but knowing that your spouse is willing to “come clean” often helps people to recover.

2. The partner who had the affair needs to take responsibility for their actions. They need to apologize, express their regret and make their amends to their spouse.

3. What does the partner who was cheated on need from the other partner now in terms of setting boundaries to start to rebuild the trust? Do they need to know everything the partner is doing for a period of time?  Do they need access to voicemail or email passwords for a period to feel safe?  Is this reasonable and acceptable to the other partner.  It’s a tricky aspect, yet vital.

4. Finally, what are the deficits in the marriage? What needs improving specifically, for both partners to be happy? While the cheating spouse is certainly responsible for their actions and their betrayal, it is also true that perhaps not all of their needs were being met within the marriage.  This is most likely true for both partners.

And there you have the beginning steps towards healing a relationship broken by an affair. It takes time, both partners must be patient and accept that it is a process.  Again, I would recommend professional help in working this through, should you choose to do so.

Thank you so much,

Dr. Adam Sheck

Passion 101 Readers: Have you had an experience with infidelity?  Did you see a therapist? Were you able to work it out with your partner?  What was helpful about the treatment?   As always, I welcome and invite your feedback. And, if you have any other relationship issues you’d like me to address, please feel free to “Ask Adam” by clicking here!

DISCLAIMER: Dr. Sheck endeavors to provide the highest quality of information on mental-health related issues. “Ask Adam” is provided for your informational benefit and in no way should be construed as a substitute for face-to-face psychotherapy provided by a licensed mental health professional. Concerning the information and services, Dr. Sheck makes no warranties, either expressed or implied, and specifically disclaims any warranty of merchantability or warranty of fitness for a particular purpose. This service is only available to those who are at least 18 years of age. Use of “Ask Adam” constitutes understanding and acceptance of these provisions.

The next “Ask Adam” Teleseminar is already scheduled for Tuesday, March 23. To register for this free event, please click below:

Click Here To Register For The Next “Ask Adam” Teleseminar!

Thanks so much,

Dr. Adam Sheck

My husband and I have been married for six years, and have a three-year old son. My husband watches porn videos regularly and by himself. He’s been doing this since before our marriage. I’m not a prude and I can accept his habit. In fact, I wanted to share this part of his life with him, but he prefers to “practice” in solitude. It’s the rejection that hurts me so much.

Our sex life has been steadily declining since our son was born and now we have sex at most once or twice a month. I’m becoming very depressed, detached from him, and feel very insecure about myself as a woman now. I’ve told him this and he tries to reassure me, saying that he will stop, but he doesn’t. Is my husband a sex addict? What can I do?

Abandoned

Dear Abandoned,

It certainly wouldn’t be appropriate for me to diagnose your husband as a “sex addict” by email. And while the term “sexual addiction” is used more and more often these days, it still has no psychiatric definition. I encourage you to explore self-help groups, such as Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA), and Sex Addicts Anonymous (SAA), and educate yourself about “sex addiction” and how it is defined. The groups can be of tremendous support for you and your family.

Labels and diagnoses aside, what is clear, is that your husband is using the pornography as a way to avoid intimacy (sexual and emotional) in your marriage. And that is what needs to be addressed. Perhaps this has always been his way to avoid intimacy, to avoid reality. What’s just as important is for you to discover how you avoid intimacy, what your part in this might be.

Many couples experience a reduction in their sexual activity after the birth of a child. Everything changes and this is perfectly normal. The focus is on a third being now, instead of on only each other. And frankly, as I’m sure you know, the first few years of a child’s life are exhausting for the parents. If the couple doesn’t deal with the changing dynamics, their emotional connection may become stretched quite thin.

It is much easier to get lost in the fantasy of perfection, of meaningless sexual release with a video woman (or a number of them) with perfect breasts, perfect ab’s, perfect rears, doing whatever you’d like them to do. It’s not reality! None of us are perfect and even if we have “perfect” bodies, we won’t have them forever! Masturbating alone to videos has nothing to do with intimacy, trust or communication. Building intimacy, creating a family, going through crises together – that’s hard, painstaking work. It’s not easy!

It’s just rewarding and satisfying to know that when the day ends, that you’ve done your best for yourself and those you love. So, enough lecturing and philosophy. This is an intimacy issue, not a sexual issue. It needs a psychological and/or spiritual solution. And from my perspective, it’s too big for you and your husband to deal with on your own. You need professional help — a mental health professional, a spiritual advisor, a self-help group, perhaps all three.

And whomever you may find to support you in this, please make sure that they are compassionate and judgment-free (this unfortunately may rule out certain spiritual advisors, hopefully not). Your husband doesn’t need to be judged on a moral basis for this, but understood on a psychological basis. The two of you need to nurture your relationship to a more connected, more healthy place, with strong, yet tender facilitation. Please keep me posted on how you are doing with this issue.

Dr. Adam Sheck

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