As “The Passion Doctor”, I’m always on the lookout for ways to create more passion in your relationship.  And around the Holidays, we often overindulge in food, which can leave us more like beached whales then sex machines.

So you’ll love this passion tip, especially between Thanksgiving and New Year’s Day.  Believe it or not, research from the Smell and Taste Treatment and Research Center shows that the smell of pumpkin pie arouses men.  In a study of 40 odors, the smell of pumpkin pie combined with lavender increased blood flow to the penis by an average of 40 percent.

In addition, consuming pumpkin seeds, which are high in zinc, may increase testosterone production and be helpful with erections.  The study was performed on men ranging from 18 to 64.

Other smells that give a strong response in men are vanilla and strawberry.  Vanilla creates a strong reaction in older men and a strong response to strawberry is given by men who rate their sex life as most satisfying.

In another study, women responded the best to the smells of Good & Plenty candy combined with cucumbers.

So, what are you waiting for, start experimenting and let me know if pumpkin pie can help your sex life!  Leave me a comment with the results!

Dr. Adam Sheck

This has been a fascinating question that has been open for debate for a long, long time.  It’s probably only second to the “does size really matter” question.  From a biological perspective, it certainly would seem that the more “dominant” males will be better breeding stock and so will be more desirable to females.  On the other hand, our more “civilized” society would like us to believe that a more sensitive, caring man would make a better lover.

Well, wonder no longer, Penn State University completed a study of  110 heterosexual couples to find out the quality of female orgasm (a big factor in promoting conception) as a function of male dominance and attractiveness.  And the results are in!

The male partners were rated according to objective attractiveness (face symmetry) as well as observer and partner rated scales of attractiveness, masculinity and dominance.   The study  ”found that women reported more frequent and earlier-timed orgasms when mated to masculine and dominant men”. Women reported experiencing orgasm more often during or after male orgasm when with these “high-quality” men.

What does this mean for relationships?  Since the “average” woman will be with an “average” man with “average” attractiveness and dominance, does this mean that they will have an “average” sex life with “average” orgasms?

While this study validates some of my experience in working with couples over the last twenty years, it doesn’t have to be a “death sentence” for relationships and passion.  What it means to me is that while it is important for us to recognize our genetic and biological factors in the context of relationships, there are also OTHER factors that are important as well.

Yes, we are “predisposed” with certain biological imperatives and tendencies.  AND, we also have certain psychological tendencies as well that often compete with our biology (see my article, “Which Side Of The Bed Do YOU Sleep On?”).

It is good to be aware of our biology in this case of “better in bed” just as it is important to consider biology in the case of monogamy and commitment in relationships.  AND, we also have choice and free will.

We CAN choose to be more intimate emotionally and sexually with our partner.  We CAN choose to be better lovers and learn how to express ourselves more fully in this important area of relationship.  That is a big part of why I created the Passion 101 Blogsite and why I continue to work with couples to create more passion in their relationships.

What do YOU think about the Penn State study?  What’s YOUR experience of attractiveness, dominance and being good in bed?  I’d love to hear your comments.

Thank you so much,

Dr. Adam Sheck

If you’d like to know more about my work keeping the passion alive in your relationship, please download my Free Special Report, “20 Rituals For Romance!” at www.freepassiontips.com

81.7% Of Married Men Surveyed Are Frustrated, Dissatisfied And Want To Improve Their Sex Life

As the “Passion Doctor”, I’ve been writing the Passion 101 Blog for over three years to help committed couples in long-term relationships keep that spark of romance and passion alive.  A big part of my work with couples is to reignite their relationship and I’ve created a number of teleseminars as well as my ebook, “101 Ways To Bring Back The Passion!” to achieve this.

I’ve recently become aware of a new home study course to support this goal and to help men to rekindle the romance and passion in their relationship.  It’s called Revive Her Drive and it is completely in alignment with my beliefs and my work with couples.

After analyzing results from a large sexual satisfaction survey and consulting with a dozen relationship/sex experts, Personal Life Media created this self-paced, online training program that gives men in relationship the tools they need to reawaken the passion within their sex life to enjoy more predictable, frequent lovemaking.

The Program is divided into four easy-to-follow guidelines called the “4 Elements of Revival.”  A woman’s arousal begins in her heart and mind and Revive Her Drive teaches men the romance and seduction strategies to which women respond most quickly and appreciatively. The tools are based on what women biologically and emotionally crave, which is often puzzling for men to figure out.

The program includes eBook instructions and audio interviews with these dozen experts on the exact steps to take a couple’s intimacy to new, upward spirals of pleasure and connection.  What’s great is that you can review the course materials online OR you can download them to play at your convenience. AND, there are complete, word-for-word transcriptions of the audio interviews!

Some of the audio topics included are:

• Sustaining Attraction
• Surrender & Trust
• Erotic Communication
• 4 Keys to Seduction
• Lifelong Passion

I have pretty high standards and I’m telling you that this is an extremely professional and well presented package that will give you some great tools to reignite your relationship.  AND, because the product is early in its launch, you can receive it now at an incredible price, less than the investment in a single couples counseling session!

I don’t endorse very many products, so please take my word on this and find out more about Revive Her Drive and the “4 Elements of Revival” by:

Clicking Here!

Please let me know your thoughts on Revive Her Drive Program and if there are other types of programs that would benefit you.

Thank you so much,

Dr. Adam Sheck

One of the main reasons couples choose to work with me in counseling of telephone/Skype coaching is that they are having issues “in the bedroom.”  Not enough sex and/or not the “right” kind of sex are big issues that I work with every week in my private couples counseling practice.

Part of my work is providing education about the Three Stages of Relationship and how to keep the passion going once a couple is out of the “honeymoon stage”.  And part of this education is explaining that there are different kinds of sex and that each “kind” has a place in the relationship.

 In no particular order, the seven kinds of sex are:

1. Married or “Comfortable” Sex.

2. Quickie Sex.

3. Romantic Sex.

4. Adventurous or Risky Sex.

5. “Take Me” Sex.

6. Kinky Sex.

7. Vacation Sex.

Let’s go over them one at a time and see the advantage of each of the seven kinds of sex.

Married or “Comfortable” Sex: 

This is that predictable yet comfortable kind of sex that many couples fall into and consider to be a “rut”.  You know exactly what “move” you or your partner will use to initiate sex, and it’s usually the same time and the same day each week (quite possible Saturday night at 10pm?).  It generally consists of five minutes of kissing, ten minutes of foreplay, eight minutes of intercourse, an “I love you” and a snore. You can set your clock by it!  And, it’s not a bad thing to have something reliable, predictable and comfortable to look forward to.  Unless it’s the ONLY kind of sex you have to look forward to!

Quickie Sex:

An expression of pure, animal lust, this is hard and fast, down and dirty sex.  You want it, you need it and you’re going to have it.  Not much romance, yet full of passion, this is hair-pulling, clothes tearing, “yeah, baby” sex at its finest.  Immediate gratification and release, the surge of hormones can provide an instant bonding experience.  It might happen the minute you walk in the door after work, it could a surprise in the middle of the night or it could be somewhere surprising (see Adventurous Sex).

Romantic Sex:

This is more of what you probably experienced when you initially began to have sex with your partner during the “courting” part of your relationship.  It was well thought out and orchestrated.  There were probably candles, music, a bottle of win and an overall sensual atmosphere.  You paid attention to what you wore or didn’t wear and grooming was de rigueur!  It was about seduction and foreplay and enjoyment.  You took your time and savored the moment.  It’s still a wonderful form of sex and usually gets lost in the hustle and bustle of our over-scheduled lives.  Plan for it at least once per month to keep the passion going!

Adventurous or Risky Sex:

This is sex that is exciting because of the novelty or risk factor involved.  When your relationship was young and you just HAD to have your partner right then and there!  Perhaps it was in the bathroom at a friend’s New Year’s party?  Perhaps it was in the car watching Fourth of July fireworks?  Perhaps it was in your office with the door locked, fifteen minutes before your next client was due to arrive?  It is somewhat related to “Quickie Sex” though the goal is making that connection, not necessarily completing the act in record time.  The risk factor adds to the passion for sure!

“Take Me” Sex:

This is where one of you chooses to “run the show” during the lovemaking session. This might be a shared decision or it might be a unilateral one, but it will definitely create a passionate reaction one way or the other. Don’t be frightened by the idea of domination here, it doesn’t have to become extreme and get into full bondage and domination (b&d) unless you’d like to experiment.  It can be as simple as deciding who is going to initiate sex this time or who is going to be “on top”.  Yet there is something pleasurable and passionate for both men AND women when on occasion you know that your partner will be in charge and you just have to just relax and let them do the work, let them be the aggressor.  We all enjoy being told or shown what to do now and then, and we might be surprised what a turn on it actually is to have our partner be a little more dominant, a little more forceful.

Kinky Sex:

Believe it or not, a survey of over 2000 Cosmopolitan readers  revealed that 70% were “game to try” and 21.5% were “excited” by the idea of adding kink to their lovemaking.  Now before you start running out of the house, I’m not taking about “hardcore” kink involving b&d, sadomasichism (s&m) or fetishism, though there is nothing wrong with any of that between consenting adults.  For my uninitiated readers, I define kink as any sexual activity that YOU find unusual or different and that enhances your sexual intimacy and passion.  For the context of this article, I’m talking about what YOU consider experimenting with your sexuality, so take away your judgments.  This can range from playful spanking, to role-playing, to introducing sex toys into your lovemaking, to making a videotape to anything that YOU have been wanting to try.

 Vacation Sex:

You are in a new, different, possibly exotic locale and this novelty factor definitely makes the sex hot.  Perhaps you’re overlooking the ocean or have a beautiful mountain view or have an oversized jacuzzi tub in your bedroom!  You have time, you don’t have the usual distractions of work, finances, the kids.  You are FREE and can do what you want, you’ve got carte blanche to engage in all kinds of sexual exploits!  You can practice ANY of the other types of sex described previously.  Go for it!

So now that I’ve described the seven kinds of sex, what does that mean to you?  I’ve always believed that knowledge is power, so perhaps you’ve got a little bit more of both than when you began reading this.  Since we are truly “novelty-seeking” creatures, if your intention is to sustain a long-term, monogamous relationship (which is true for many of my readers) than I suggest that you mix it up.  Commit to practicing the different kinds of sex and perhaps add one or two types into your repertoir if you’ve been feeling stagnant.

The sexual connection between a couple is an incredible opportunity to bond, to share, to become closer in a physical/emotional/spiritual way.  I also believe that it is one of the major ingredients in the “glue” that keeps couples connected.  I encourage you all to commit to expanding your sex life and please share the results with me, below.

Thank you so much,

Dr. Adam Sheck

If you’d like to know more about my work and keeping the passion alive in your relationship, please download my Free Special Report, “20 Rituals For Romance!” at www.freepassiontips.com

As a psychologist and couples counselor, I’ve been asked this question by men, women and couples for the last twenty years. My specialty is helping couples bring back the passion in their relationship and using fantasy is one way of doing this.

And the fantasy of being ravished, being lovingly, yet forcefully taken by her man is consistently in the top five female fantasies, often the number one fantasy. This is different than the “rape fantasy” which has often been misrepresented.

Of course, women don’t want to be raped, this is an act of violence and power, not one of love. However, as revealed in the always popular romance novels, the fantasy of a strong, powerful man initiating sex with a woman, not accepting her initial reluctance, and then loving her passionately, is a popular fantasy. This is not about abuse and power, as in most of these novels (and fantasies), the couple ends up married and living “happily ever after.”

So what’s the truth here, at least from a psychological perspective?  When we first meet someone we’re attracted to we experience that initial chemistry and go into that “honeymoon” period, where our bodies are flooded with chemicals and we are “walking hormones.”  To read more about this, you can see my article, “Three Stages of Relationship”.

However, this initial chemistry fades over time and we need to take steps to reignite it!  To create sexual passion, there needs to be sexual tension and for this there needs to be strong sexual POLARITY.  We need to CONSCIOUSLY create this in our relationship.

Polarity comes from strong masculine energy meeting strong feminine energy.  Just like the positive and negative terminals of a battery create electricity, so will the masculine and feminine interact to create PASSION!  Now each of us, male and female have an inner masculine and an inner feminine and either sex can express either aspect.

For the heterosexual female “ravish me” fantasy though, we’re talking about the man embodying the masculine and taking charge with those masculine qualities to be focused, direct, relentless in pursuing his goal, in this case, loving his woman into “submission”.  This can range from simply initiating sex, to be a little more assertive than usual, to being more aggressive, to being a little “rough”, all the way to role play and using restraints and sex toys.

To use a simple example, I’m 6’3″ and over 200 pounds and have found that many woman have simply enjoyed the weight of my body pressing into them and found that arousing.  Perhaps that is enough to begin your journey.  I also happen to have large hands (no euphemism here). I’m usually able to hold both of a woman’s wrists in one of my hands and even that small step can often be assertive enough to feed into the submission fantasy.  Just consider what YOU can do to orient yourself in that direction, it doesn’t have to be “whips and chains.”

From an evolutionary psychology perspective, women want to know that their man can take care of them, can “hold” them, both emotionally AND physically.  I have a female friend who is close to six feet tall and she LOVES that her husband can physically hold her, pick her up, engulf her and make her feel like she’s a little girl sometimes.

If we believe that “form follows function”, than if a man can open a woman sexually with his dominance, than perhaps he can also metaphorically open her heart with his dominance.  Perhaps there is part of each woman who wants to have her heart ravaged open, even more than her body?  Don’t we all want our partner to help open our heart and experience more love?

Now on the flip side, there are times when a man enjoys his partner initiating sex in a more dominant and aggressive way as well.  Being stuck in ANY role will ultimately diminish passion.  We need to mix it up.  But that’s a topic for another day

These are my thoughts about this question, “Do Women Want To Be Ravished?” I would love to hear your thoughts and comments about this and any other ideas for bringing back the passion in relationships.

Thank you,

Dr. Adam Sheck

If this “Do Women Want To Be Ravished?” article interested you and you’d like to find out more ways to bring the passion back in your relationship, please go to www.freepassiontips.com to receive my monthly newsletter as well as my Special Report, “20 Rituals for Romance!”

BECAUSE the latest research seems to indicate that a selfish lover is more a more satisfying lover to their partner!  Yes, it’s true, a study from Kwantlen Polytechnic University in Vancouver indicates that:

“… as a partner’s sexual self-focus decreased, their partner’s satisfaction decreased.”

Yes, this is against our intuition that it is better to be OTHER focused in our lovemaking and to make pleasing our partners our primary goal.  Well, guess again, seems like that isn’t quite the truth!  This study states that the less we focus on ourselves, the less our partner is satisfied.

It looks like those who are focused more on their partner’s satisfaction just aren’t quite as into it.  It turns out that our MOTIVATION is a big determinant here.  Couples that are having sex out of obligation or simply to please their partners just aren’t as enthusiastic about it and that shows up in the result!

When we are making love because we really WANT it and are into it, although one can label it as being a SELFISH LOVER, it also means that we are FULLY ENGAGED! And if you’ve read any of my posts on passion, you know that being fully present and in the moment is one of the keys to ignite those fires.

I can certainly share from my own experience that while I have had periods in my life where I would obsessively focus on my partner’s pleasure (once for her birthday I “insisted” she have one orgasm for every year celebrated; it was a LONG weekend!), that’s not all there is in lovemaking.  Our partners truly enjoy it when we are satisfied as well.  It makes all of us feel good to know that our partners are enjoying themselves, too.  It’s that sexual “contact high”.

And of course, anyone who has participated in a 12-Step Program knows the benefits of working a “selfish program”.  We really do need to make our own needs important AND it can also benefit those around us.  We’ve all heard the metaphor of the airplane emergency where the oxygen masks activate and we’re notified to put on our own mask before taking care of others.

Now we know that it extends as well to our sexuality.  So go ahead, don’t feel guilty or ashamed.  Be a Selfish Lover!  AND satisfy your partner!

Live with passion,

Dr. Adam Sheck

If you’ve enjoyed this article and want to learn more of my thoughts on this topic and about reigniting the passion in your relationship, please download my Free, Special Report, “20 Rituals for Romance!” at www.freepassiontips.com

It’s almost Valentine’s Day and while I’m not a big Hallmark kind of guy, I DO know that many of the couples that I counsel come to see me because they want to reignite their relationship and have more romance and passion in their lives.  And after 20 years of counseling couples, I believe that I have a few tips to offer you.  Hint: It’s NOT about candy and flowers!

Just as there is no quick fix to weight loss, there is no quick fix to reigniting your relationship with romance and passion.  Just as with weight loss, you must create Lifestyle Changes and create new Habits that will result in romance and passion beyond your dreams.

And while I can’t make any promises, I bet that if you begin to implement these life changes NOW, you will probably begin to reap some of the rewards by Valentine’s Day!

So let me share three of the tools that I use with my couples in my face-to-face counseling practice as well as when working with them through Skype or telephone coaching.

The first one, probably won’t sound as sexy as the next two, yet believe me, when you truly master it, and truly apply it with your partner on a regular basis, they will definitely be open to sharing their passion with you.

Relationship Tool #1: Appreciation

The first tool is Appreciation!  Yes, appreciation and gratitude are fundamental qualities of long-term successful relationships.  Yet for many, this is so challenging.  Perhaps it’s because as children, we were exposed much more to criticism than to compliments by our caregivers.  We knew that our parents loved us, but we didn’t always hear it from them or hear it from them frequently enough.  Perhaps your current relationship is similar?  Perhaps you know that your partner loves you, yet they have a hard time letting you know.  Or letting you know in a way that you can hear it, in a way that you can feel it and let it in.

If you’d like to learn a specific appreciation exercise that I teach every couple that comes to me for counseling and will take no more than 3-5 minutes to complete, then please:

Click Here For Appreciation Exercise!

The second tool is based upon the clinical research data of Dr. John Gottman, a world-renowned researcher on marital stability at the University of Washington, Seattle.  His research revealed that happy, stable couples have a 5:1 ratio of positive to negative interactions. In other words, for every negative remark or comment, there are five positive ones. This develops what Gottman calls a “reservoir of positive feelings.”

We “bank” these positive feelings and they help counteract the negativity, which is in all relationships to some degree.  We ARE human, after all!

And the specific way that I recommend that you get started is to “Have fun!”  And believe it or not, this might be particularly challenging to you and your partner.

Many of the couples that find their way into my office have become stuck in old, rigid patterns of interaction. And, it gets old, it gets tiring, it gets tedious and it gets BORING!  There is NO PASSION in tedious and boring.

When we first meet our partners, we are open and laugh and share in very child-like and loving ways.  This is a good thing.  So, let’s get back to doing what works!  Let’s have fun like children do!

Relationship Tool #2: High Energy Fun

The second tool then, is the tool of High Energy Fun.  The point of high-energy fun is to recapture that spirit of fun, of silliness, of spontaneity that children have.  It’s silly, it’s frivolous, it has no extrinsic value.  And yet internally, intrinsically, it is what keeps us alive and vital and connected.  There’s nothing like a belly laugh to open you up, and put you in a good place.  From there, with an open heart, anything is possible in a relationship.

Your assignment, should you choose to accept it, is to spend five to ten minutes, twice a week with your partner doing some type of High Energy Fun activity which will cause you not only to smile or giggle, but to burst out into deep belly-laughs!  It may take you some practice and you’re going to have to move through your resistance, yet I encourage you to give it a try.

For specific examples that you can use to share High Energy Fun:

Click for High Energy Fun!

Okay, now let’s get to the third to reignite your relationship.  This is a tool, which is a more direct practice of romance and passion, designed to fill you to overflowing with sexual heat.

And it will be a stretch for many of you, yet I encourage you to try it out, stick with it for a while and see how your relationship can benefit from it.

Sexual intimacy, like emotional intimacy is about discovering new parts of yourself and sharing them with your partner.  So this tool is about stretching and trying on new attitudes, experimenting with new ways of being together sexually.

Relationship Tool #3: All-Day Foreplay

What do I mean by “All-Day Foreplay”?  In America, the statistics seem to be that the average couple has less than 19 minutes of foreplay prior to lovemaking.  And generally, it has become pretty routine.  And that is the average, so half of couples have less than that!

You all know what I’m saying.  I bet you can predict it like clockwork.  Maybe it starts with “your move” whatever that might be.  Maybe a yawn or a stretch, or “look how late it is” or something pretty mundane to get into the bedroom if you’re not already there.  Or reaching for your birth control method of choice.  How romantic!

There’s the process of getting out of your clothes or taking off your partner’s clothes.  Then there’s probably 5-10 minutes of kissing if you’re lucky.  Maybe a lick on the ear or a kiss on the neck.  Maybe some heavy petting.  Then a minute on each breast, and a little time working down the belly.  Then a few minutes of oral sex.  Maybe you’ll take turns or maybe it will be simultaneous.  That’s it.  Foreplay is over, time for penetration, assuming you make it that far.  And then bedtime!

Boring, predictable, routine.  All-Day Foreplay takes this all to another level.   For a more detailed description of how to perform All-Day Foreplay:

Click for more All-Day Foreplay!

Let’s recap the three tools to Reignite Your Relationship:

1. Appreciation.
2. High Energy Fun.
3. All-Day Foreplay

If you begin to add these techniques into your relationship “tool belt” I guarantee you will reignite your relationship and have great passion.  Appreciations will take less than 5 minutes/day.  High Energy Fun will take ten minutes a few times/week.  And All-Day Foreplay, well, that will GIVE you back so much energy and aliveness, that the time you spend investing in it will return to you one-hundred fold.

So please, practice these three tools.  Don’t just think about it, make a change.  Start NOW!

And, if you start now, you’ll definitely notice some changes in your relationship by Valentine’s Day for sure!

I look forward to your emails letting me know of your progress.

Dr. Adam Sheck

BONUS: If you are truly want to reignite your relationship, I am offering a complimentary “Romance Roadmap” Strategy Call to the first twenty people who respond to this offer. Click here to contact me expressing your interest and I will be happy to set up the “Romance Roadmap” Strategy Call.

I seem to be writing on the theme of “kissing” lately, so I’m asking this question, “Does kissing have an expiration date?” as it seems quite important as a barometer of intimacy and connection in a relationship. If you haven’t already read my previous post, “It’s All In The Kiss” you can review it here.

As “The Passion Doctor” I have written a great deal about the ebb and flow of passion in relationships and how to bring it back and reignite that romantic spark. Part of the problem comes from being stuck in the “power struggle” stage of a relationship.

To recap, the Three Stages of Relationship are:
1. The Honeymoon Stage.
2. The Power Struggle Stage.
3. The Conscious Relationship Stage.

For a more in-depth discussion of the stages, you can refer to my post: “The 3 Stages of Relationship” by clicking here. Basically, during the “Honeymoon” stage, we are “in love” and flooded with the hormones and neurotransmitters of love and the passion is high. As these chemicals begin to diminish and the “Power Struggle” sets in, passion often begins to wane.

Back to the topic of this article, “Does Kissing Have An Expiration Date?” I was having a discussion with a friend of mine, Tamara Schilling (www.relationshift.tv) and we both decided that this was a very interesting topic to explore and write about.

Perhaps the following scenario is one that you can relate to. You meet someone, discover you have chemistry and begin to pursue a relationship.  The relationship becomes romantic and physical with that first kiss.  Perhaps it’s an awkward first kiss that improves over time, with “practice” or perhaps it’s incredible from the start.

This is the time that recalls our high school (or perhaps college or later) experiences with “making out” for hours and hours.  We savor each moment, each feeling, each sensation that arises in our body.  We are excited by the thought of reconnecting with our partner, of touching them, smelling them, tasting them.  We want to devour them, consume them and the kissing is a huge part of this.

At some point, the relationship becomes more sexual, and eventually is consummated and perhaps the kissing doesn’t have the same priority or importance.  Sadly, for some, kissing becomes the means to an end, the end being intercourse.  Eventually, a kiss might become such a rare occurrence with our partner that it merely becomes a signal that it’s time to have sex.  ”Making love” becomes less about love and more about routine.

At this point, has “The Kiss” reached its expiration date?  Have we lost the capacity to enjoy the intimacy, the deep connection of kissing?

To me, “The Kiss” is the barometer for the passion in the relationship.  When I begin counseling new couples it’s one of the first questions I ask, “When was the last time you kissed, REALLY kissed your partner passionately?”  The answer is quite diagnostic for the state of their relationship.  No, it’s not all about the physical, it’s really about the connection.  And in my experience, “It’s All About The Kiss”.

My work is to help couples to reignite the passion and rekindle the romance in their relationships.  To do this, I need to help them reconnect.  Because men and women connect in different ways, I help couples to bridge the gap and find their own unique solutions.  And “The Kiss” is a pivotal part of this.  In fact, I will often have  a couple kiss during our session (I generally leave the room, unless we’re doing a Skype or telephone session, of course).

So, what are YOUR thoughts about this oh so important issue?  What is your experience with “The Kiss” and do you believe that there is an expiration date?  I look forward to your thoughts and comments.

Dr. Adam Sheck

And if you’d like to learn more about “The Kiss” and reigniting the passion in your relationship, please download my Free, Special Report, “20 Rituals for Romance!” at www.freepassiontips.com

The latest research does seem to indicate that more frequent sex helps neurotic couples in their relationships!  The Social Psychological and Personality Science Journal published an article in October, 2010 entitled “Frequent Sex Protects Intimates From the Negative Implications of Their Neuroticism”.  You can read the full study by clicking here, but I’m happy to spare you the tedious research data and summarize the article and the bottom line for you.

First though, let’s define the term “neurotic” as it’s a little more specific than what we perhaps think of when considering America’s “favorite” neurotic, Woody Allen.  To be neurotic is simply a tendency to experience negative emotional states.  A neurotic responds poorly to stress and will often have symptoms of anxiety, depression, guilt and anger.  They will be more reactive and less emotionally stable.

So back to the study.  Seventy-two newlywed couples were studied over four years and rated their level of marital satisfaction and frequency of sexual activity.  Their level of neuroticism was also tested with a psychological instrument (The Big Five Personality Inventory – no, it wasn’t developed at the sporting goods store!).  All of this was measured each six months until the end of the four year study.

It was already pretty obvious that the more neurotic a couple, the less satisfied they would be in their relationship/marriage.  That part is a “no brainer” to us all.  However this study of seventy-two couples (ten marriages actually ended during the study) seems to indicate that frequent sex raises the “marital satisfaction” scores of the neurotic couples to the same level of satisfaction as the non-neurotic couples.

The couples in the study reported sexual intercourse once/week for the first six months of the study on average and three time/month frequency for the duration of the study.  This seems to have helped to reduce the “happiness deficit” that neurotic couples report.  The good news it that this “treatment” requires no medical intervention and has a much lower side effect profile then medication!

The already “happy” couples didn’t report increased satisfaction connected to sexual frequency.  However, there seems to be some solace “between the sheets” for the neurotics!

I would love to hear your comments and feedback (personal anecdotes are also welcome).

Thanks so much,

Dr. Adam Sheck

Whether you are neurotic or not, let me help you keep your relationship alive and vital with my Free Special Report, “20 Rituals For Romance!” at http://freepassiontips.com

My work is about helping couples who are committed and really love each other to recover their passion. There are many reasons why a couple’s passion fades, and of course each couple is different. There is no cookie cutter solution that fits everyone.

One of the challenges is that over time many couples have lost some of their spontaneity, some of their imagination and they become a little more reserved and guarded with each other. They stop (or perhaps have never started) sharing their sexual fantasies with each other. They have many reasons for this, which I will address later in this article.

Sharing, exploring and acting out your fantasies is a really important part of keeping the passion alive in a long-term relationship. Once the newness of a relationship wears off, once the novelty has passed, we begin to move out of that “honeymoon” stage.

Biologically, we are novelty-seeking creatures. From an evolutionary psychology standpoint, being interested in a wide, diverse gene pool is good for the survival of the species.

For the survival of the relationship, however, we must take steps to stay passionate and aroused about our long-term partner. We must create a fresh relationship each day. Part of that is to share our fantasies, our imagination, our longings and our desires with our partner. Doing this means we can stay with the same partner but have the relationship feel new.

So, what are the blocks to sharing our fantasies? Really, they fall into three categories:

1. I don’t know what my fantasies are.
2. I have shame and self-judgment over the fantasies that I AM aware of.
3. I’m afraid that my partner will have judgment over the fantasies that I am aware of.

The key to sharing your fantasies with your partner is to overcome each of these three categories of block. They are interconnected, but I’ll address each one separately. Be aware of the fact that this is a process, and as one block begins to crumble, the others may also become less restricting.

The first block of “not knowing” is more accurately “not connecting” to your fantasies. They are inside your psyche, whether you are fully conscious of them or not. I encourage you to set up a time and place where you can be alone. Play the music that will set the tone, light the candle or spray the scent that will take you there, adjust the lighting. Set the mood to call forth your fantasies into your awareness.

And literally, that is exactly what you will be doing, calling them forth. Say it to yourself, write it down, say it out loud or, even, into an audio recorder: “I wish to become aware of my sexual fantasies.” Take a deep breath, hold it for a moment and then release it.

Repeat this a few times. And say again, “I wish to become aware of my sexual fantasies.” And begin to write or speak. Write or speak WHATEVER enters your mind. Don’t censor yourself! No one but you will ever see or hear this, until YOU are ready to share your fantasies. Let yourself go!

You are “priming the pump” of your unconscious. Some of you will be able to connect to your fantasies on the first try; most will have to repeat the process a few times before achieving the desired result. And, don’t be surprised if a fantasy pops into your head at a later time “spontaneously.” You’ve planted the seeds and they will grow in their own time, perhaps while you’re taking a bath, perhaps while you’re driving somewhere. They WILL show up though, I promise.

The second block to sharing your sexual fantasies is about shame and self-judgment. There is no quick fix for this, as we all have internalized various degrees of judgment and criticism around sexuality, mainly from our early childhood and adolescent experiences. I would suggest for now that you create three positive affirmations about your sexuality that you repeat to yourself out loud five times each, twice each day.

Examples could be:
“I am a sexual being with healthy needs and desires.”
“Knowing my sexual fantasies is a sign of self-knowledge and self-love.”
“Sharing my fantasies is a sign of intimacy and love.”

The third block is that you fear how your partner will react when you share your fantasies. For the most part, my experience in working with couples over the last twenty years is that your partner will be relieved and excited that you share your fantasies with them. It then becomes about communicating and understanding on both of your parts, and co-creating a way to make the fantasies come true. Again, you can prepare YOURSELF to overcome this block with affirmations that remind you that you have a loving partner and to give them the benefit of the doubt in embracing your fantasies.

Examples could be:
“I have a loving partner who accepts and loves me unconditionally.”
“I am with a partner who wants to share the deepest intimacy with me.”
“I have a loving partner who desires to fulfill my fantasies.”

AND, sometimes your partner just won’t be able to embrace your fantasy and go for it.  Please don’t take it personally, just suggest another fantasy.  You’re in it for the long haul and they might just be open and receptive another day!

30 Day Challenge To Share Your Fantasies:

If you’d REALLY like to use the information in this article, to have more passion in your relationship I invite you to take the following 30 Day Challenge:

Right now (or within the next 24 hours at the lastest), I want you to:

Sit down alone in a quiet, sensual atmosphere and fully imagine your fantasy. Write down as many of the details as you can. If writing isn’t your thing, you can speak it into an audio recorder or your smartphone.

Within 7 days I want you to:

Practice the affirmations recommended to deal with the second and third blocks. Begin to prepare whatever “ingredients” you will need for your fantasy including clothing, “equipment,” and location. Share with your partner that sometime in the next 30 days, he/she will need to reserve time and romantic energy for you to share and live out your fantasy together.

Within 30 days I want you to:

Share and act out your fantasy with your partner. AND, share the above keys with your partner, so that you can act out his/her fantasy this month!

I hope that this article has been helpful in giving you some tools to share your fantasies, and that you will take this challenge. For those of you that need additional help, I offer tele-coaching programs for couples as well as for the individual partners in a couple, to help bring back the passion to your relationship.

And, if you are TRULY feeling motivated to improve the quality of the relationship with yourself and/or your partner, I am extending my special offer of a complimentary Relationship Coaching Strategy Session with me via Skype or telephone.  Please click here to schedule the session, if what I’ve written makes sense to you and you are ready for RESULTS!

Thank you so much,

Dr. Adam Sheck