So watch this video, it lasts less than two minutes (which is a problem in the sex life of some of my couples as well, but I CAN help them!) and enjoy yourselves!  Don’t worry, the pictures are all PG!  And once again, I’ve picked the BEST music!  Enjoy.

Click here to view the embedded video.

And PLEASE, share this with your friends!

Thanks so much,

Dr. Adam Sheck

Each of us expresses these ingredients to varying degrees and we give them different importance and priority.  However, to be truly happy over the long haul, we need to create some kind of balance.

CHEMISTRY is that intangible, unspoken, energetic that results in those  incredible feelings of romance, longing, lust and sexual excitement.  Is it genetic, caused by the proper DNA match or is it psychologically based?   Or is it perhaps some combination of the two or something else entirely?  Does anyone know how it really is created or is it more a “we know it when we feel it” sort of thing?  Whatever it is, WE WANT IT!

COMPATIBILITY is the key to sustaining a relationship over the long haul.  It provides the qualities that bond us over the ups and downs of life, that keep us going.  It’s the quality that makes life a little sweeter for us.  It can include the areas of well-matched interests, common backgrounds, and similar values. Even though sharing common beliefs is important, it is even MORE important to be accepting and tolerant of our partner and our DIFFERENCES.  That is truly what makes us compatible.

COMMITMENT is that attitude, that decision, that choice that gives us a sense of security and permanence.  It gives us a perspective, so that when the going gets tough, we remember WHY we are together and it gives us the strength to keep on keeping on.  We have created a “shared vision” of our relationship and we take the steps necessary to stay true to that vision.  This is TRULY what commitment is.

Each of us in stronger or more dominant in one of the three C’s. One may be a higher priority for us.  One may be more crucial and touch us in a deeper place.  The absence of one may be a “dealbreaker” for us, while the absence of a different one may be the issue for our partner.

The stereotypes, of course, are that men are more into the chemistry and that women are more into the commitment. While there may be truth to this, I find that my couples counseling practice reveals to me MANY exceptions to these generalizations.  In fact, I just started seeing three new couples last week and in all three (heterosexual) couples, one of the biggest issues is that the wife wants more sex than the husband!

And certainly, we all want someone who we are compatible with. Yet, compatibility without chemistry is like living with a roommate.  Which is fine if that’s what you choose to do.  Many couples come to see me because they are living this way, and want it to be different.  They want to get back to that honeymoon, passionate stage.  And I help the majority of them to accomplish this!

One major tool that I utilize, is the fourth ‘C’ which is COMMUNICATION!  But I’ll save that for another post.

In the meantime, what is YOUR dominant ‘C’ and how do you negotiate the 3 C’s with YOUR partner?  Please comment below and let me know.

Thanks so much,

Dr. Adam Sheck

I’m pleased to announce that the replay of my July “Ask Adam” Teleseminar is now available! It was a great teleseminar with wonderful questions. I answered concerns people had about:

1. How can a couple that has had an affair, currently has very little in common and where the husband needs pornography to get aroused, bring back the passion?

2. How can a couple that has been in unsuccessful counseling, return to treatment and get the support they need?

3. Can a woman be sexual and still be “presentable” in society?

4. How can I tell if my relationship is “right” for me?

5. How can a “new” relationship that is already acting like an “old married couple” bring back the passion?

You can either listen to the replay here on the Passion 101 blogsite by clicking on the “play” button or you can download the replay to listen to later at your convenience.

Next month (August), I’ll be holding another “Ask Adam” Teleseminar. You can find out more and ask me your most important questions by registering for these free events at www.askadamnow.com or clicking on the link below:

Register for my next teleseminar event

And PLEASE, forward this post to anyone you feel might benefit from it.  You can do so easily by just clicking on the “Bookmark & Share” button below.

Thanks again,

Dr. Adam Sheck

A large number of these couples are over forty years of age and use the changes to their physiology as their excuse to avoid sexual intimacy. For others, sex ended with the birth of their children or because of repetition and boredom. Let me give you some of the top “reasons” that couples have settled for a sexless relationship:

1. Not liking to talk about sex: While many couples are uncomfortable talking about sex, in my experience, they are generally not comfortable talking about ANYTHING with each other and have huge communication issues.

2. Not understanding the mechanics of sexuality and lust: There are specific stages that sexual activity generally moves through (desire, arousal, plateau, orgasm, refractory) and many couples don’t understand how to utilize this knowledge for the deepest and most satisfying connection.

3: Use of antidepressants: The majority of antidepressants have a sexual side-effect profile that impacts many men and women.

4: Lack of sleep: In our under-slept culture, sleep deficiency drains us of energy for sex play as well as impacts our mood and desire for intimacy.

5: Effects of aging: As the “baby boomers” advance in age, issues involving menopause and erectile dysfunction become more prevalent.

6: Viewing sexual problems as one partner’s and not as an issue for the couple: Issues of shame and guilt prevent us from acknowledging, COMMUNICATING, and solving our sexual issues as a TEAM!

I am happy to announce that I have created a four week teleseries, “Bring Back The Passion!” It will be offered in an interactive, teleseminar/telephone format so that it will be available to you regardless of where you live.  And it is extremely affordable, compared to the fees for months of couples counseling.  It won’t be just me lecturing, you will be interacting with me directly, which is why I’ll be limiting the registration.

To give you a taste of what it will be about, I have scheduled a free Teleseminar Preview Call that you can register for below:

Preview Call Registration

During the call I will give you Concrete Tools that you can use NOW to bring back the passion to your relationship.  I will also be answering your questions  and I’ll tell you more about the ”Bring Back The Passion” Teleseries.

So if you find yourself coming up with excuses for avoiding sex or if you find that the passion in your relationship isn’t quite what it was, register for this free Preview Call.  I promise you it will be one of the best ways you can spend an hour and you WILL receive tools you can use.  Passion is just a click away.  Register now.

Preview Call Registration

Thank you so much,

Dr. Adam Sheck

And PLEASE, share this with your friends.  You can click below to share or click on the Facebook or Twitter icons at the top of the post.  Thanks again.

The top six reasons given for not having sex are:

1. TOO TIRED OR NEED SLEEP

2. NOT FEELING WELL OR HEALTH PROBLEMS

3. NOT IN THE MOOD

4. TAKING CARE OF CHILDREN OR PETS

5. WORK

6. WATCHING TV OR A MOVIE

As a couples counselor and sex therapist, I have heard every excuse in the book and the above survey is consistent with my experience.  And from my perspective, these are just EXCUSES!

Decreased expression of affection, less physical intimacy and reduced frequency of sex are all symptoms of loss of connection in a relationship.  And in my experience, unless something is done to remedy this, it is often the beginning of the end.

The good news, is that this loss of connection and loss of passion can be stopped and reversed!  I’ve been working with couples for almost twenty years on this issue of passion and that’s really why I created the Passion 101 Website.  I know that not all couples have the resources and finances to see a couples counselor on an ongoing basis.  There IS a solution!

I am happy to announce that I have created a four week teleseries, “Bring Back The Passion!” It will be offered in an interactive, teleseminar/telephone format so it is available regardless of where you live.  And it is extremely affordable, compared to the fees for months of couples counseling.  It won’t be just me lecturing, you will be interacting with me directly, which is why I’ll be limiting the registration.

To give you a taste of what it will be about, I have scheduled a free Preview Call that you can register for below:

Preview Call Registration

During the call I will give you Concrete Tools that you can use NOW to bring back the passion to your relationship.  I will also be answering your questions  and I’ll tell you more about the “Bring Back The Passion” Teleseries.

So if you find yourself coming up with excuses for avoiding sex or if you find that the passion in your relationship isn’t quite what it was, register for this free Preview Call.  I promise you it will be one of the best ways you can spend an hour and you WILL receive tools you can use.  Passion is just a click away.  Register now.

Preview Call Registration

Thank you so much,

Dr. Adam Sheck

And PLEASE, share this with your friends.  You can click below to share or click on the Facebook or Twitter icons at the top of the post.  Thanks again.

Let’s being with the emotional aspects of intimacy.  A long time ago, I heard a clever definition of intimacy by re-languaging it as Into-Me-I See.  This defines intimacy first as an inner process of self-discovery and of self-knowledge.

Now let’s apply this lens in the context of an intimate partnership.  So in this partnership, we begin to discover new parts of ourselves.  Or perhaps we uncover parts that are gradually revealed to us in reaction to our partner and the relationship.  And then, we can begin to share these discoveries, these insights with our partner.  It can be a very exciting process, this sharing of ourselves.

To me, being in partnership provides the environment, the soil for me to grow, for me to discover parts of myself that I wouldn’t know otherwise.  This comes from the safety and the trust that builds over time that allows me to become more open and more vulnerable.

So my partner is the stimulus to me, allowing me to uncover parts of myself that I would never have discovered on my own.  Some of these are the so-called good parts; some are what we label the bad parts.  If we take away the labels and judgments, they are all parts of myself, parts that need to be revealed and illuminated, so that I can make choices about which parts I want to feed and water and nourish and which parts I want to let hibernate, and go dormant.

And in a loving, accepting partnership, I can allow those parts to come out as they are stimulated and I can share them with myself and my partner.  That is true intimacy to me.  Discovering parts of myself I didn’t know I had and sharing them with someone.  That is true growth.  That is how I view emotional intimacy.

Sometimes we use the term “intimacy” as a polite way of speaking of sexuality and physical connection with a partner.   The sexual act, and sexual connection CAN be an extremely intimate connection.  It isn’t necessarily, yet it CAN be.  And in the context of a loving partnership, the emotional intimacy can fuel the sexual intimacy.  And the sexual intimacy can fuel the emotional intimacy.  And they can feed upon each other to create an expansion and growth to the relationship.

We know the old saying that women need love to connect to their sexuality and men need sex to connect to their love?  While I avoid generalizations, there is some truth to this statement.  Perhaps you have experienced this in some of your relationships.

I’ve spoken before about the two styles of connecting to sexuality:  the autogenic, which is more typically masculine, which is more the direct physical connection, and the psychogenic, which is more typically feminine, which is the mental, emotional connection.  For some, desire creates arousal.  For some, arousal creates desire.  Both are true when they are true.  Both work.  Both are valid.

To bring more sexual intimacy to your relationship, I think it is good to take both routes.  Sometimes it is good to surrender to the physical and let the pure arousal take you over.  Sometimes it is good to create desire, and build up to that arousal.

Again, sexual intimacy, like emotional intimacy is about discovering new parts of yourself and sharing them with your partner.  So stretch and try on new attitudes, new ways of being together sexually.

I’m a believer in what I’ve called “all day foreplay.”  Start in the morning by telling your partner how you feel about them, and what you’d like to be doing with them when you come home from work.  Perhaps leave them a little note with more of your thoughts.  Maybe later, send them a text or even a picture!  Sexting (sexy texting) can be a VERY effective form of foreplay.  Next, maybe an email or a sexy telephone message.  Stretch yourself beyond your comfort zone here, maybe just a little bit.

And when you get home, set the stage even more, whether it’s with the traditional flowers and candy or an erotic gift (or toy) or maybe another card or an original poem.  Building the anticipation and tension is always so nice, especially when you know you’ll be relieving that tension later on.

I write more about “all day foreplay” and related ideas in my eBook “101 Ways To Bring Back The Passion!” which is available on this website.  Hopefully this article has given you a good start though.  Just to let you know though, I’ll also be conducting a four week teleseries on “bringing back the passion” for couples and if you’re on my Passion 101 mailing list, I’ll be sending you information about the preview call to that teleseries.  You can get on the list and subscribe to my monthly Passion 101 Newsletter on this website as well.

As always, I welcome your comments and feedback.

Thank you so much,

Dr. Adam Sheck

Has this article been interesting or thought-provoking for you? Please click below to share it with a friend!  Or click on the buttons at the top of the post to share it on Facebook or Twitter!

Click here to see the full chart of “15 Things You Should Know About Breasts.”

It’s been two months since our first child was born.  The doctor said that after 6 weeks we can have sex again, but I don’t really feel like it.  My husband is definitely ready though.  What should I do?

Tired & Torn

Dear T & T

This is not uncommon and the short answer is to be patient, communicate your feelings and let nature take it’s course.  Your body may be healed sufficiently to begin to have sex with your husband again after 6-8 weeks, but emotionally it may take longer.

At this point your energy level and sexual desire will most likely not be up to your usual level.  And, your body is changing.  It’s changing physically and you may view it emotionally in a different way than before as well.

You may feel more maternal than sexual.  Your perception of your breasts may have changed from an erotic zone to a feeding zone.

Breastfeeding causes estrogen levels to drop; estrogen affects not only the libido, but also the lining of the vagina, which can became dry, making sex painful. Your physician can help you with issues like these.

Add to physical and emotional changes, the fact that you haven’t been physically intimate, physically connected in that way for quite some time.  Be patient with yourself.

It’s okay to take your time in reconnecting.  And it’s important to communicate with your husband about this.  He has most likely been quite patient and wants to reconnect with you in one of the ways that he knows how to.

Men often are more comfortable connecting with their partners in a physical way than an emotional or verbal way.  So, he is probably missing the connection with you as much as he’s missing the sex, maybe even more.

So begin to connect on a physical level again, even if it’s not a sexual level.  Get back to the physical intimacy and closeness. Touch, kiss, massage, rub each other’s feet, hold each other, cuddle.

Create a romantic scenario, even if sex isn’t the goal in that specific moment.  Visualize romantic scenes as well, to prime the “pump” of the unconscious.

Be patient, can take a good three months to two years to get your sex life back to “normal.”  And of course, by then you might be thinking of having another child!  And it starts all over again!

Bottom line: Communicate!

Normalize the experience of just having a baby and know that it takes time to get back into a rhythm. Be realistic

Be realistic, AND make it happen anyway. Make it a priority, if that’s what you choose to do.

Thank you so much,

Dr. Adam Sheck

I would really appreciate your feedback on this subject. Have you had an experience with infidelity? Did you see a therapist? Were you able to work it out with your partner? What was helpful about the treatment? And as always, click on the “Share” button below to forward this article to your friends, family and colleagues that you feel might benefit from it.

Research from Duke University indicates that up to 30% of obese people seeking help controlling their weight indicate problems with sex drive, sexual desire, sexual performance, or all three.

We know that medical conditions such as high cholesterol and type 2 diabetes have the ability to impact sexual performance, which then may psychologically impact sexual desire.  In men, both conditions can cause the tiny arteries in the penis to clog with fatty deposits, which can result in erectile dysfunction and/or impotence.

And overweight women are being affected as well!  Similar blockages in the blood vessels leading to the clitoris are causing women’s bodies to be less sexually responsive, which also may lead to a decrease in sexual desire.

Worse yet for the sex drive, the higher the body fat percentage, the higher the levels in the body of SHBG (Sex Hormone Binding Globulin).  SHBG binds to the sex hormone testosterone, effectively reducing the testosterone available in the body.  And testosterone is responsible for our sex drive, in both men AND women.

Of course, the impact of our weight upon our body image and our self-esteem is also a huge one when it comes to our sex life.  If we don’t feel attractive, we certainly tend to isolate and withdraw and not allow others into our personal/sexual space, even if THEY find us appealing.

The good news though, is that as we lose weight, our improving sex drive serves to help us keep the weight off, for a number of good reasons.

1. On average, you can burn up to 200 calories or more during a half hour lovemaking session!

2. If we have a healthy sex life, we are less frustrated and we generally eat less when we are not frustrated.

3. Sex is a mood enhancer.  The more sex, the more endorphins (feel good hormone) are released and the better we feel.  And again, we may not need to eat to “fill up” that anxiety or depression.

4. Sexual activity reduces the level of cortisol (the stress hormone) in our bodies.  Cortisol raises our blood pressure, lowers our immune system and causes us to store fat in our bodies.  And cortisol also contributes to the aging process, so sex can definitely keep us younger!

5. Sexual activity tends to improve our quality of sleep, which is also connected to weight loss.

6. The more activities that increase the blood flow to our large muscle groups (thighs, buttocks, pelvis), the better circulation we will have to the genitals.  This will ultimately lead to improved arousal and orgasm and increasing sexual desire.  There’s a synergistic effect here, almost like a self-fulfilling prophecy.

And, as an extra added bonus for men, I was told the following by Dr. Neil Cannon, a well-respected Sex Therapist in Denver: for every 30 pounds a man loses, his penis effectively gains an inch of length!

So there you have it, the long and the short of it!  Hopefully this has given you some extra incentive to get yourself in shape or to continue your commitment to staying in shape.  My goal is to inspire you, even if just a little bit.  Slow and steady does win the race.

I wish you the best and look forward to your comments to this information.  And as always, I appreciate you forwarding this post to anyone that you believe would benefit from it.

Thank you so much,

Dr. Adam Sheck

Let me tell you how I first heard about this Complex (there are no “official” diagnostic criteria, yet it still affects so many relationships, and so I am creating the term here in this article).  And again, the words used might be blunt and/or offensive, yet my goal is to educate and support healthy relationships.

The first time I heard the term, it came from one of my Ph.D. interns in training to become a licensed psychotherapist.  She used another variation of the term.  She told me about an intervention she made with a male patient who was having challenges staying faithful to his girlfriend.  What my intern told him, was:

“You’re searching for a woman with a ‘Magic Pussy’ who will make your life feel better than it does right now.  Grow up!”

She told me about this intervention somewhat sheepishly, concerned about her language.  After we both briefly laughed about it, I told her that I thought that it was a wonderful intervention and that it truly got the point across in language that the patient could understand.  And ultimately, it did help this patient and his girlfriend to connect more deeply (I softened the term in the title of this article, hoping not to lose too many readers).

It’s really a variation on the theme that “the grass is always greener on the other side of the pasture.”   And yet, isn’t that what so many of us think in our lives, perhaps about relationships, or careers, or some other area?

In romantic relationships, this delusion is highly problematic for a number of reasons.  For singles, it is a horrible way to live, believing that someone else can make you feel better, can make you feel whole and complete.  Plus, those expectations will apply tremendous pressure on your potential new partner!

And for couples, this kind of thinking is what prevents us from fully committing to the relationship that we are in.  We will keep one foot in the relationship and one foot out the door, keeping an eye out for something better.  There are no winners when we suffer from the “Magic VaJayJay Complex.”

There is also another variation I’ve encountered which is equally insidious and destructive.  A young woman was in an unhealthy relationship, where her “boyfriend” was not treating her well.  He saw her when he wanted, would not talk to her for days or weeks at a time and then would re-engage, expecting her to be available.

In some way, this felt like a challenge to her.  And her belief (like many young and not-so-young women) was that if she offered incredible sex to him, he would treat her well and see the error of his ways.  Again, she felt that she had a  “Magic VaJayJay” and that by casting its spell on her boyfriend, he would become enchanted and they would live “happily ever after.”

It doesn’t work that way!  Respect and being treated well start from the inside, with our own deep, inner work.  Sex can be a physicalization of intimacy and letting someone “inside,” yet we really must make peace with ourselves, respect ourselves, and treat ourselves well, before we can truly be intimate with another.  We must deeply know ourselves in order to deeply share who we are with another.

“The Magic VaJayJay Complex” is a delusion that prevents us from experiencing true intimacy.  For those who want an intimate relationship that has true depth and passion, we must do as my intern counseled, do our own personal work and “Grow up!”

As always, I welcome your comments and thoughts.

Thank you so much,

Dr. Adam Sheck

P.S., If this has inspired you in some small way, please share it with a friend or anyone that you feel might benefit from it.