Each of us expresses these ingredients to varying degrees and we give them different importance and priority.  However, to be truly happy over the long haul, we need to create some kind of balance.

CHEMISTRY is that intangible, unspoken, energetic that results in those  incredible feelings of romance, longing, lust and sexual excitement.  Is it genetic, caused by the proper DNA match or is it psychologically based?   Or is it perhaps some combination of the two or something else entirely?  Does anyone know how it really is created or is it more a “we know it when we feel it” sort of thing?  Whatever it is, WE WANT IT!

COMPATIBILITY is the key to sustaining a relationship over the long haul.  It provides the qualities that bond us over the ups and downs of life, that keep us going.  It’s the quality that makes life a little sweeter for us.  It can include the areas of well-matched interests, common backgrounds, and similar values. Even though sharing common beliefs is important, it is even MORE important to be accepting and tolerant of our partner and our DIFFERENCES.  That is truly what makes us compatible.

COMMITMENT is that attitude, that decision, that choice that gives us a sense of security and permanence.  It gives us a perspective, so that when the going gets tough, we remember WHY we are together and it gives us the strength to keep on keeping on.  We have created a “shared vision” of our relationship and we take the steps necessary to stay true to that vision.  This is TRULY what commitment is.

Each of us in stronger or more dominant in one of the three C’s. One may be a higher priority for us.  One may be more crucial and touch us in a deeper place.  The absence of one may be a “dealbreaker” for us, while the absence of a different one may be the issue for our partner.

The stereotypes, of course, are that men are more into the chemistry and that women are more into the commitment. While there may be truth to this, I find that my couples counseling practice reveals to me MANY exceptions to these generalizations.  In fact, I just started seeing three new couples last week and in all three (heterosexual) couples, one of the biggest issues is that the wife wants more sex than the husband!

And certainly, we all want someone who we are compatible with. Yet, compatibility without chemistry is like living with a roommate.  Which is fine if that’s what you choose to do.  Many couples come to see me because they are living this way, and want it to be different.  They want to get back to that honeymoon, passionate stage.  And I help the majority of them to accomplish this!

One major tool that I utilize, is the fourth ‘C’ which is COMMUNICATION!  But I’ll save that for another post.

In the meantime, what is YOUR dominant ‘C’ and how do you negotiate the 3 C’s with YOUR partner?  Please comment below and let me know.

Thanks so much,

Dr. Adam Sheck

I’m pleased to announce that the replay of my July “Ask Adam” Teleseminar is now available! It was a great teleseminar with wonderful questions. I answered concerns people had about:

1. How can a couple that has had an affair, currently has very little in common and where the husband needs pornography to get aroused, bring back the passion?

2. How can a couple that has been in unsuccessful counseling, return to treatment and get the support they need?

3. Can a woman be sexual and still be “presentable” in society?

4. How can I tell if my relationship is “right” for me?

5. How can a “new” relationship that is already acting like an “old married couple” bring back the passion?

You can either listen to the replay here on the Passion 101 blogsite by clicking on the “play” button or you can download the replay to listen to later at your convenience.

Next month (August), I’ll be holding another “Ask Adam” Teleseminar. You can find out more and ask me your most important questions by registering for these free events at www.askadamnow.com or clicking on the link below:

Register for my next teleseminar event

And PLEASE, forward this post to anyone you feel might benefit from it.  You can do so easily by just clicking on the “Bookmark & Share” button below.

Thanks again,

Dr. Adam Sheck

There was a study by researchers from the Australian National University entitled “What’s Love Got to Do With It” that tracked close to 2,500 couple from 2001 to 2007. The purpose was to figure out qualities or factors that could identify who stayed together versus who divorced or separated.

Some of the major factors identified were:

1. Husbands who are nine or more years older than their wives were twice as likely to get divorced, as are husbands who get married before they turned 25.
2. Twenty percent of couples who have kids before marriage, either from a previous relationship or from their current relationship, separated compared to nine percent of couples without children born before marriage.
3. Sixteen percent of men and women whose parents separated or divorced experienced marital separation themselves compared to ten percent for those whose parents did not separate.
4. Partners on their second or third marriage are ninety percent more likely to separate than those who are both in their first marriage.
5. Women who want children much more than their partners are more likely to get a divorce.

While this research gives us some interesting information, it still doesn’t give us the SOLUTION! How can we stay in our relationships and be happy and be passionate?

There’s not short answer or I would only have to see couples in my counseling practice for a single session or two, yet here are two suggestions I have (and have blogged about more extensively in the links below):

5:1 Ratio:

There is extensive research that couples that have a ratio of five positive interactions for every one negative interaction are significantly more likely to stay together.  In fact, studies of this ratio indicate it as over 80% accurate in predicting divorce.  Read more about it by clicking on my blog post: Have Fun In Your Relationship

The 3 C’s of Relationship: Chemistry, Compatibility & Commitment!

I’ve been telling my couples about the 3 C’s for years and I really thought that I had written a blog post about it to link here, yet I can’t seem to find it.  So guess what?  I’m going to have to write about it for next week’s post!

Stay tuned!

Dr. Adam Sheck

And PLEASE, if you haven’t subscribed to my free, monthly Passion 101 Newsletter yet, please Click Here to do so.  You’ll also receive my Special Report: 20 Rituals for Romance!

]]> http://passion101.com/blog/2010/07/love-is-not-enough/feed/ 77 http://passion101.com/blog/2010/07/sexless-relationship-dont-be-a-statistic/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=sexless-relationship-dont-be-a-statistic http://passion101.com/blog/2010/07/sexless-relationship-dont-be-a-statistic/#comments Mon, 12 Jul 2010 02:03:28 +0000 drsheck http://passion101.com/blog/?p=2475 According to statistics, more than 40 million Americans are in sexless marriages! This doesn’t include all of the non-married relationships or the rest of the world. More than half the couples I counsel each week have not had…

The top six reasons given for not having sex are:

1. TOO TIRED OR NEED SLEEP

2. NOT FEELING WELL OR HEALTH PROBLEMS

3. NOT IN THE MOOD

4. TAKING CARE OF CHILDREN OR PETS

5. WORK

6. WATCHING TV OR A MOVIE

As a couples counselor and sex therapist, I have heard every excuse in the book and the above survey is consistent with my experience.  And from my perspective, these are just EXCUSES!

Decreased expression of affection, less physical intimacy and reduced frequency of sex are all symptoms of loss of connection in a relationship.  And in my experience, unless something is done to remedy this, it is often the beginning of the end.

The good news, is that this loss of connection and loss of passion can be stopped and reversed!  I’ve been working with couples for almost twenty years on this issue of passion and that’s really why I created the Passion 101 Website.  I know that not all couples have the resources and finances to see a couples counselor on an ongoing basis.  There IS a solution!

I am happy to announce that I have created a four week teleseries, “Bring Back The Passion!” It will be offered in an interactive, teleseminar/telephone format so it is available regardless of where you live.  And it is extremely affordable, compared to the fees for months of couples counseling.  It won’t be just me lecturing, you will be interacting with me directly, which is why I’ll be limiting the registration.

To give you a taste of what it will be about, I have scheduled a free Preview Call that you can register for below:

Preview Call Registration

During the call I will give you Concrete Tools that you can use NOW to bring back the passion to your relationship.  I will also be answering your questions  and I’ll tell you more about the “Bring Back The Passion” Teleseries.

So if you find yourself coming up with excuses for avoiding sex or if you find that the passion in your relationship isn’t quite what it was, register for this free Preview Call.  I promise you it will be one of the best ways you can spend an hour and you WILL receive tools you can use.  Passion is just a click away.  Register now.

Preview Call Registration

Thank you so much,

Dr. Adam Sheck

And PLEASE, share this with your friends.  You can click below to share or click on the Facebook or Twitter icons at the top of the post.  Thanks again.

Let’s being with the emotional aspects of intimacy.  A long time ago, I heard a clever definition of intimacy by re-languaging it as Into-Me-I See.  This defines intimacy first as an inner process of self-discovery and of self-knowledge.

Now let’s apply this lens in the context of an intimate partnership.  So in this partnership, we begin to discover new parts of ourselves.  Or perhaps we uncover parts that are gradually revealed to us in reaction to our partner and the relationship.  And then, we can begin to share these discoveries, these insights with our partner.  It can be a very exciting process, this sharing of ourselves.

To me, being in partnership provides the environment, the soil for me to grow, for me to discover parts of myself that I wouldn’t know otherwise.  This comes from the safety and the trust that builds over time that allows me to become more open and more vulnerable.

So my partner is the stimulus to me, allowing me to uncover parts of myself that I would never have discovered on my own.  Some of these are the so-called good parts; some are what we label the bad parts.  If we take away the labels and judgments, they are all parts of myself, parts that need to be revealed and illuminated, so that I can make choices about which parts I want to feed and water and nourish and which parts I want to let hibernate, and go dormant.

And in a loving, accepting partnership, I can allow those parts to come out as they are stimulated and I can share them with myself and my partner.  That is true intimacy to me.  Discovering parts of myself I didn’t know I had and sharing them with someone.  That is true growth.  That is how I view emotional intimacy.

Sometimes we use the term “intimacy” as a polite way of speaking of sexuality and physical connection with a partner.   The sexual act, and sexual connection CAN be an extremely intimate connection.  It isn’t necessarily, yet it CAN be.  And in the context of a loving partnership, the emotional intimacy can fuel the sexual intimacy.  And the sexual intimacy can fuel the emotional intimacy.  And they can feed upon each other to create an expansion and growth to the relationship.

We know the old saying that women need love to connect to their sexuality and men need sex to connect to their love?  While I avoid generalizations, there is some truth to this statement.  Perhaps you have experienced this in some of your relationships.

I’ve spoken before about the two styles of connecting to sexuality:  the autogenic, which is more typically masculine, which is more the direct physical connection, and the psychogenic, which is more typically feminine, which is the mental, emotional connection.  For some, desire creates arousal.  For some, arousal creates desire.  Both are true when they are true.  Both work.  Both are valid.

To bring more sexual intimacy to your relationship, I think it is good to take both routes.  Sometimes it is good to surrender to the physical and let the pure arousal take you over.  Sometimes it is good to create desire, and build up to that arousal.

Again, sexual intimacy, like emotional intimacy is about discovering new parts of yourself and sharing them with your partner.  So stretch and try on new attitudes, new ways of being together sexually.

I’m a believer in what I’ve called “all day foreplay.”  Start in the morning by telling your partner how you feel about them, and what you’d like to be doing with them when you come home from work.  Perhaps leave them a little note with more of your thoughts.  Maybe later, send them a text or even a picture!  Sexting (sexy texting) can be a VERY effective form of foreplay.  Next, maybe an email or a sexy telephone message.  Stretch yourself beyond your comfort zone here, maybe just a little bit.

And when you get home, set the stage even more, whether it’s with the traditional flowers and candy or an erotic gift (or toy) or maybe another card or an original poem.  Building the anticipation and tension is always so nice, especially when you know you’ll be relieving that tension later on.

I write more about “all day foreplay” and related ideas in my eBook “101 Ways To Bring Back The Passion!” which is available on this website.  Hopefully this article has given you a good start though.  Just to let you know though, I’ll also be conducting a four week teleseries on “bringing back the passion” for couples and if you’re on my Passion 101 mailing list, I’ll be sending you information about the preview call to that teleseries.  You can get on the list and subscribe to my monthly Passion 101 Newsletter on this website as well.

As always, I welcome your comments and feedback.

Thank you so much,

Dr. Adam Sheck

Has this article been interesting or thought-provoking for you? Please click below to share it with a friend!  Or click on the buttons at the top of the post to share it on Facebook or Twitter!

I’m pleased to announce that the replay of my June “Ask Adam” Teleseminar is now available! It was a great teleseminar with wonderful questions. I answered concerns people had about:

1. Should we break up or make up?

2. Ways to increase intimacy.

3. Living together versus getting married.

4. My philosophy of couples counseling.

You can either listen to the replay here on the Passion 101 blogsite by clicking on the “play” button or you can download the replay to listen to later at your convenience.

Next month (July), I’ll be holding another “Ask Adam” Teleseminar. You can find out more and ask me your most important questions by registering for these free events at www.askadamnow.com or clicking on the link below:

Register for my next teleseminar event

And PLEASE, forward this post to anyone you feel might benefit from it.  You can do so easily by just clicking on the “Bookmark & Share” button below.

Thanks again,

Dr. Adam Sheck

It’s doubtful that any of you are surprised about this. PayPal conducted their “Can’t Buy Me Love” international survey about the role of money in relationships and the results are pretty interesting.

The survey was conducted focusing around love and money in Australia, Canada, Italy, Mexico, the Netherlands, the United Kingdom and the United States.  What was most surprising to me, is that the issue of money seems to be the biggest one for couples across all nations.  Perhaps this is because of the challenging economic times we are facing right now.

At least 10 percent of couples surveyed say they have ended a relationship due at least in part to financial issues. The United States and Mexico ranked the highest at 14 percent stating this.

Other interesting results included:

• • Around the world, well over half of all couples are keeping separate bank accounts.
• • American couples typically bring the largest levels of debt into relationships (51 percent) while most couples in Italy and the Netherlands say they have no debt.
• • Money is the number one cause of arguments among U.S. couples (31 percent) followed by household chores (28 percent), in-laws (22 percent) and sex (15 percent).

You can read the original PayPal Survey results by clicking here.

So tell me YOUR experiences of money and love.  How have you been challenged?  How have you navigated the challenge?  How can I help YOU and other couples in this area?  Would you like me to write more about this?  I NEED your input.  Help ME to help YOU!

Thanks so much,

Dr. Adam Sheck

Has this article been interesting or thought-provoking for you? Please click below to share it with a friend!

]]> http://passion101.com/blog/2010/06/cant-buy-me-love-how-do-finances-affect-your-relationship/feed/ 30 http://passion101.com/blog/2010/06/3-ps-of-relationship-dynamics-pick-provoke-project-2/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=3-ps-of-relationship-dynamics-pick-provoke-project-2 http://passion101.com/blog/2010/06/3-ps-of-relationship-dynamics-pick-provoke-project-2/#comments Sat, 12 Jun 2010 23:20:47 +0000 drsheck http://passion101.com/blog/?p=2292

I’ve posted a number of articles and videos on the psychology of how we come together to form relationships and the stages of relationship: the honeymoon stage, the power struggle stage and the conscious relationship

…

My audition link is:

http://myown.oprah.com/audition/index.html?request=video_details&response_id=9226&promo_id=1

Or you can just click on the video below:

Thanks so much,

Dr. Adam Sheck