www.thepassiondoctor.com/blog

I will continue to share my thoughts about passion, intimacy, romance and sexuality at www.thepassiondoctor.com, nothing is changing besides the change of name. And as always, I appreciate your loyalty and offer you a complimentary telephone/Skype Relationship Consultation available when you Click Here!

Thank you again,

Dr. Adam Sheck

A recent  study looking at birth rates indicates that December 11 is the most fertile day of the year!  This is from a UK study which indicates that September 16 is the most popular birthday.  Backing this out by 40 weeks (the average gestation period) makes December 11 the biggest conception day of the year.

Now I’m not sure how seriously to take this information, as no one has reviewed the U.S. birth rates to my knowledge.  AND, if I’m in Los Angeles, do I need to deduct six hours?  And if couples are 17 times more likely to have sex at midnight than at 10am, do we have to go back a day to December 10?

And why might December be a more fertile month?  There used to be a theory that “cooler” sperm is more fertile and it’s cooler in winter.  That’s been debunked.  However, in cooler weather, perhaps there’s less to do, so why not have sex?  Or, perhaps it’s another way to stay warm in the winter?

Jesting aside, it’s ALWAYS a good time to focus on more passion, more romance, more intimacy in your relationship.  If you feel that I can be of some service in supporting this, please click here to schedule a complimentary 30 minute Relationship Strategy Session to take that first step.

Have a great December,

Dr. Adam Sheck

Most of us wait until the “New Year” to reassess our lives and state new plans, intentions and “resolutions” for our lives. Yes, it’s a time when there is general consensus that this is a good thing to do, yet why wait?

If you want to create change in your life, why wait? NOW is the only time that you can make change, whether that NOW happens to occur today, tomorrow or on the first of January. The only thing that creates change is creating change: in the mind, the heart, the body. It starts with intention and completes with follow through. And it begins NOW!

The purpose of this post isn’t to tell you what to do or even how to do it, though as a psychologist I do work with people on creating change in their lives. My intention in this post is to encourage you to start NOW.

My other intention is to encourage you to focus not on things, but on qualities. We spend so much of our time and energies wanting new things in our lives: new possessions, new relationships, new careers.

There’s nothing wrong with that, yet believe it or not, having specific ideas of what we want can actually limit what we can receive in our lives.  How often do we consciously really know what is best for us?

Our unconscious, our psyche, our soul often has more wisdom than our conscious, ego-driven mind.  My recommendation is to focus on qualities or feelings that you would like to have more of in your life.  Some feelings might include:

I want to FEEL happy.

I want to FEEL peaceful.

I want to FEEL love.

I want to FEEL excited.

I want to FEEL creative.

While we might believe we have limitations on what we can create in the material world, we often have a great deal of control over our inner states, our feeling states, and our reactions to the events of life.

I’m not saying that connecting to these states is a piece of cake, especially is we have lifelong patterns of focusing on less desirable feelings. It takes FOCUS, DISCIPLINE AND COMMITMENT. It CAN be done.

HOW we do that, is the work, and probably a little more than can be explained in this article. The basic components though, are:

1. Determine the feeling states that you would like to experience on a regular, daily basis.

2. Determine what actions you can take on a daily basis to experience these states.

3. Commit to taking these actions on a daily basis.

Now, if you’ve done all this, and you notice that you still aren’t taking the identified actions, you probably need some support in dealing with the BLOCKS you might have in doing so.

Some of these BLOCKS might have to do with your past, with earlier events, perhaps from your childhood, where you might have acquired some limiting BELIEFS, which prevent you from taking action.

You might need some support in dealing with these BLOCKS. You might need to work with a counselor, a psychologist, a coach, a spiritual advisor. This is a big part of the work I perform with people, individually, in groups and in teleseminars.

Bottom line, whether you can implement these changes on your own or whether you need support, don’t wait until the New Year.  Don’t wait until tomorrow.  Start NOW!

Create a wonderful life NOW!

Dr. Adam Sheck

If you are clearly committed to creating a better life and believe that my work can be of service to this goal, please click here to request your complimentary, 30 minute “Creating Change” Strategy Session, available through Skype or telephone.

I’m a big fan of the Mankind Project (MKP) and have shared about it in previous posts (Mankind Project, Men’s Work).  MKP has shared a great working definition of the “New Macho” as a model for the “New Masculinity”.

It is a wonderful launching point for discussions about what makes for healthy masculinity and how it can help to co-create healthy, loving, romantic relationships between equals.

I’m presenting it to you below and hope that it will inspire you and that you will share it with your friends, family and tribe and begin some healing dialogues with your partner.

The New Macho

He cleans up after himself.
He cleans up the planet.
He is a role model for young men.
He is rigorously honest and fiercely optimistic.

He holds himself accountable.
He knows what he feels.
He knows how to cry and he lets it go.
He knows how to rage without hurting others.
He knows how to fear and how to keep moving.
He seeks self-mastery.

He’s let go of childish shame.
He feels guilty when he’s done something wrong.
He is kind to men, kind to women, kind to children.
He teaches others how to be kind.
He says he’s sorry.

He stopped blaming women or his parents or men for his pain years ago.
He stopped letting his defenses ruin his relationships.
He stopped letting his penis run his life.
He has enough self respect to tell the truth.
He creates intimacy and trust with his actions.
He has men that he trusts and that he turns to for support.
He knows how to roll with it.
He knows how to make it happen.
He is disciplined when he needs to be.
He is flexible when he needs to be.
He knows how to listen from the core of his being.

He’s not afraid to get dirty.
He’s ready to confront his own limitations.
He has high expectations for himself and for those he connects with.
He looks for ways to serve others.
He knows he is an individual.
He knows that we are all one.
He knows he is an animal and a part of nature.
He knows his spirit and his connection to something greater.

He knows that the future generations are watching his actions.
He builds communities where people are respected and valued.
He takes responsibility for himself and is also willing to be his brother’s keeper.

He knows his higher purpose.
He loves with fierceness.
He laughs with abandon, because he gets the joke.

This is the Mature Masculine – it is the redefinition of masculinity for the 21st century. By no means is this list complete. You are welcome to come and add your gifts to this community. www.mkp.org

©2010 Boysen Hodgson. All rights reserved.

Dr. Adam Sheck

While assisting a recent Tantra workshop, I experienced the strong difference in my body between when I embody the Fighter or Warrior and when I embody the Lover archetype.  It was such a pronounced and uncomfortable  difference that I felt the need to write more about it and how it might impact us all in our relationships and in our lives.  If you are unfamiliar with these terms, I give a very basic explanation of the four masculine archetypes in my post, King, Warrior, Magician, Lover: Four Mature Masculine Archetypes.

Of course, during a Tantra workshop I expected to open up my heart, be fully in my body and to activate the Lover archetype.  Not exactly an earth shattering epiphany, now is it?  I felt open, loving, spiritual, connected, soft, vulnerable and available.

However, as an assistant of the workshop, I also had responsibilities to see that a safe environment was set for the participants.  Unfortunately there were a few snafus with logistics at the ocean view hotel we stayed at.  To take care of these issues, I had to put on my Warrior armor.  ”This is DOCTOR Sheck, I’d like to speak to the hotel manager, …”

Immediately I could feel a different energy move through me.  My voice became firm, my jaw set, my head tilted a certain way.  Instead of loose hands, I had fists that pounded at the air and on tables. I could feel my body tense, could feel my sympathetic nervous system activate, readying the “fight or flight” response.  And some of the other assistants witnessed the transformation as well.

At first I had a judgment about this and some critical self talk.  ”I’m at a Tantra workshop, I’m holding a loving space, I don’t want to feel this way right now, it’s wrong, I’m bad.”

Fortunately, I received positive feedback and encouragement from the assistants and workshop leader about the transformation and I let go of my critical voice.  YES, the Warrior was needed at that moment.  YES, he has a valuable contribution to make to the well being of the workshop participants.  YES he can be here AND so can the Lover.

And I found that I could switch back and forth as needed.  It was quite a valuable insight for me as well as a priceless experience.  I felt it in my BODY, which is where the majority of my learning begins.  Eventually I can integrate it into my MIND as well and embrace it all.  Both Loveer AND Warrior archetypes are good, both are necessary.  And those are just two out of the four!

And there are similarities in both Lover AND Warrior that I discovered.  The main one, is ENDURANCE!  To be a great Lover, one must have staying power.  To be a great Warrior, one needs that tenacity as well.  FOCUS and single-mindedness are also key to both Lover and Warrior.

Dealing with the hotel and achieving a satisfactory result took over a week.  I have no doubt that on some level they were counting on the Warrior losing his hardness, losing his edge, losing his persistence.  I spoke with three hotel managers, a sales manager and finally a general manager before I got what I felt was a fair outcome for all.  If I had given up before the job was done, nothing would have happened.

So in this instance, I was able to balance Lover and Warrior, battling for the workshop leader, for the participants, for a just cause.  The Warrior lead the battle, yet the Lover was the motivation for taking up the cause.

Back to the title question, “Can We Balance The Fighter And The Lover In Relationship?”  This battle or this dance, occurs in every relationship. I can only write from a male perspective, yet I welcome feedback from the female perspective.  To me at least on the surface, it seems that the qualities a man requires to be successful in the business world (the Warrior) are antithetical to the qualities necessary to be successful in an intimate relationship (the Lover).  How do we create balance then?

Part of the struggle for me as a man, is rooted deep in our physiology.  The typical life-threatening events that our prehistoric ancestors faced on a daily basis shaped our nervous system to respond powerfully when we perceived our survival to be at risk.  The Warrior is activated.  Now in intimate relationships, we often feel psychologically that our survival is at risk.  And biologically speaking, when our relationship is at risk, then our “caveman” instincts feel that survival of our progeny and survival of the race is at risk.  Definitely worth fighting for.

So what do we do with this?  For me, as a psychologist working with couples for over twenty years, my belief is that in relationship, conflict is inevitable, AND this a GOOD thing.

Once the “honeymoon” phase of relationship has subsided, we move into the “power struggle” phase.  It’s a natural progression to be embraced, not judged.  The “power struggle” stage of relationship is necessary and is an opportunity to work through many of our childhood wounds and issues (To learn more, read my post, Three Stages of Relationship).  It is only in embracing and working through this stage that we can enter a more “conscious” relationship which has an incredible richness.

It’s about creating balance.  Even in my work as a psychotherapist, both the Warrior and the Lover are necessary to create change and growth.  I’m definitely NOT one of those warm, fuzzy, “how does it make you feel” kind of therapists.  I can be warm and sensitive and empathic, of course. The Lover takes over and helps create that space.

AND, the Warrior needs to be present as well.  Every client at some point has to face their own inner demons and my job is to point them in that direction and have my Warrior join theirs!  Our Swords of Truth must be raised high together to cut away the personal lies and negative self talk that keep them frozen and paralyzed.

If I don’t confront, if I don’t challenge where necessary, I am doing them a disservice and colluding with their stuckness.  That’s NOT my way, that’s NOT what I do.  That’s NOT how I can best serve.

And yes, as we connect to the Warrior, the natural response in our bodies is to feel exhilarated, powerful, alive and ready to face the challenge.  Perhaps an extreme of that physiology is what creates adrenaline junkies, yet we ALL have that in us and it is the Warrior!

Back to balance in our romantic relationships.  How do we create this?  Deliberately and consciously!

We can deliberately choose to activate the Warrior in fearlessly and relentlessly facing our own inner wars and in battling our need to project our unresolved issues onto our partner and then making it about THEIR issues.

We can consciously engage the Lover in engaging COMPASSIONATELY in our inner conflicts, in LOVINGLY facing our inner critic, and in TENDERLY holding our partner as they face their own inner battles.

We can fight NOT against our partner in the power struggle, but fight WITH our partner to protect the sacredness of our relationship.  This is how I would suggest a balance can be achieved between Warrior and Lover.

As always, I welcome YOUR thoughts and feelings about this topic of balancing the Warrior and Lover in relationship.

Adam Sheck

I originally posted this article on the Passion 101 Blogsite.  Upon careful consideration, I moved it to the Men After Fifty Blogsite and you can access it at:

When You Breakup, Who Gets The Naked Pictures?

My thinking is that on Men After Fifty, I model for other men and women that a psychologist is just  another huMAN being, too, and has issues to face and move through.  The posts are more huMAN, more revealing, more personal.

Those that enjoy and benefit from that can go to Men After Fifty.  I’m choosing to keep the Passion 101 Blogsite more “professional” whatever that means, and more educational, and perhaps a little less blatant or shocking.

You can have the best of both worlds by visiting and subscribing to BOTH newsletters or just enjoy whichever is more appealing and appropriate to YOUR needs. I hope that this decision makes sense to you.

Thank you so much,

Dr. Adam Sheck

50 Shades: Do Women REALLY Want To Be Dominated?

In light of all of the crazy success and publicity of Fifty Shades of Grey,  it would TRULY appear that something in the collective unconscious is being tapped into.  Everyone is TALKING about it, yet is it what women really want, to be submissive to a man, to be dominated?

As a psychologist and couples counselor, I’ve been asked this question by men, women and couples for the last twenty years. I’ve blogged about this before, yet given the impact of 50 Shades, it seems worth revisiting.  My specialty is helping couples bring back the passion in their relationship and using fantasy is one way of doing this.

I’m not going to address the whole S&M/B&D subcultures here, as it’s the larger issue that is being brought to the forefront of our consciousness.  How much is fantasy and is better served staying that way and how much is worth exploring and experimenting for a couple?

It’s an individual decision for each couple.  The fantasy of being ravished, being lovingly, yet forcefully taken by her man is consistently in the top five female fantasies, often the number one fantasy. This is different than the “rape fantasy” which has often been misrepresented.

Of course, women don’t want to be raped, this is an act of violence and power, not one of love. However, as revealed in the always popular romance novels, the fantasy of a strong, powerful man initiating sex with a woman, not accepting her initial reluctance, and then loving her passionately, is a popular fantasy. This is not about abuse and power, as in most of these novels (and fantasies), the couple ends up married and living “happily ever after.”  And “50 Shades” is taking it to an entirely different level, beyond the “classic romance” themes that have been so prevalent for so long.  Another perspective is being mainstreamed and explored.

So what’s the truth here, at least from a psychological perspective?  When we first meet someone we’re attracted to we experience that initial chemistry and go into that “honeymoon” period, where our bodies are flooded with chemicals and we are “walking hormones.”  To read more about this, you can see my article, “Three Stages of Relationship”.

However, this initial chemistry fades over time and we need to take steps to reignite it!  To create sexual passion, there needs to be sexual tension and for this there needs to be strong sexual POLARITY.  We need to CONSCIOUSLY create this in our relationship.

Polarity comes from strong masculine energy meeting strong feminine energy.  Just like the positive and negative terminals of a battery create electricity, so will the masculine and feminine interact to create PASSION!  Now each of us, male and female have an inner masculine and an inner feminine and either sex can express either aspect.

For the heterosexual female “ravish me, dominate me” fantasy though, we’re talking about the man embodying the masculine and taking charge with those masculine qualities to be focused, direct, relentless in pursuing his goal, in this case, loving his woman into “submission”.  This can range from simply initiating sex, to be a little more assertive than usual, to being more aggressive, to being a little “rough”, all the way to role play and using restraints and sex toys.

To use a simple example, I’m 6’3″ and over 200 pounds and have found that many woman have simply enjoyed the weight of my body pressing into them and found that arousing.  Perhaps that is enough to begin your journey.  I also happen to have large hands (no euphemism here). I’m usually able to hold both of a woman’s wrists in one of my hands and even that small step can often be assertive enough to feed into the submission fantasy.  Just consider what YOU can do to orient yourself in that direction, it doesn’t have to be “whips and chains.”

From an evolutionary psychology perspective, women want to know that their man can take care of them, can “hold” them, both emotionally AND physically.  I have a female friend who is close to six feet tall and she LOVES that her husband can physically hold her, pick her up, engulf her and make her feel like she’s a little girl sometimes.

If we believe that “form follows function”, than if a man can open a woman sexually with his dominance, than perhaps he can also metaphorically open her heart with his dominance.  Perhaps there is part of each woman who wants to have her heart ravaged open, even more than her body?  Don’t we all want our partner to help open our heart and experience more love?

Now on the flip side, there are times when a man enjoys his partner initiating sex in a more dominant and aggressive way as well.  Being stuck in ANY role will ultimately diminish passion.  We need to mix it up.  But that’s a topic for another day

These are my thoughts about this question brought into the forefront by Fifty Shades of Grey.  The question on the table is “Do Women Want To Be Dominated?” I would love to hear your thoughts and comments about this and any other ideas for bringing back the passion in relationships.

Thank you,

Dr. Adam Sheck

If this “Do Women Want To Be Dominated?” article interested you and you’d like to find out more ways to bring the passion back in your relationship, please go to www.freepassiontips.com to receive my monthly newsletter as well as my Special Report, “20 Rituals for Romance!”

]]> http://passion101.com/blog/2012/06/50-shades-do-women-really-want-to-be-dominated/feed/ 8 http://passion101.com/blog/2012/04/national-humor-month-laugh-your-relationship-healthy/ http://passion101.com/blog/2012/04/national-humor-month-laugh-your-relationship-healthy/#comments Sat, 28 Apr 2012 19:19:17 +0000 drsheck http://passion101.com/blog/?p=4377 National Humor Month: Laugh Your Relationship Healthy!

As we wind down April as National Humor Month, I want to remind you that by adding laughter into your relationship, you can definitely improve it.  You absolutely can laugh your relationship healthy!

One of my recommendations to every couple I have worked with over the last twenty years is to HAVE FUN!  I wrote about this “passion assignment” in an earlier blogpost that you are welcome to click on called High Energy Fun!

Basically, the couple that plays together, stays together!  Laughter helps to keep the shared energy high in a couple, keeps the love alive and creates more opportunities for spontaneity.  In addition, there are many medical benefits to deep belly laughs including:

Laughter Reduces Stress:

It decreases stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline.

Laughter Works Out The Body:

It exercises the diaphragm, the abdominals, the face, leg and back muscles

Laughter Reduces Pain:

It produces endorphins, the body’s natural opiates.

Laughter Improves  The Immune System:

Improves response of tumor- and disease-killing cells such as Gamma-interferon and T-cells.  It helps with respiratory infections and colds increasing immunoglobulon in the saliva.

Laughter Improves Circulation:

Lowers blood pressure, increases vascular blood flow and oxygenation of the blood.

Laughter Increase Memory and Learning:

Studies show humor during instruction improves test scores.

Laughter Will Bond You!

I’m sure you’ve experienced this and understand it intuitively, but in addition to feel good chemicals like endorphins and dopamine, laughter also releases oxytocin, the “cuddle drug” which is also released in new mothers to bond them with their infants.  Laughing together will actually bond you as a couple!

So what are you waiting for, go have fun with your partner and laugh your relationship healthy!

Dr. Adam Sheck

If you would like me to support you in your journey towards a better relationship, I want to extend a special offer to you, to have a complimentary Relationship Coaching Strategy Session with me via Skype or telephone.  Please click here to schedule the session, if what I’ve written makes sense to you and you are ready for RESULTS!

You probably won’t be surprised to learn that many of the couples I have worked with over the past twenty years have had sexual difficulties in their relationship.  When doing sex therapy, one simple exercise I have the couple do on our first session is both diagnostic to me as well as healing for them.  It’s called:

Hug Until Relaxed

It consists of the couple standing and facing each other and first getting grounded and balanced within themselves, both physically and emotionally.  Then they embrace and hold the hug until they are able to “relax” and melt into each other to some degree.

As their sex therapist, I learn a great deal about the couple in terms of how they balance, whether they can each “stand on their own two feet” or whether one leans on another or whether there is a power struggle around that.  I also learn how much they are able to let go and exactly which body points they are willing to connect on.

It’s a very simple exercise and it’s my experience that couples that practice this for a few minutes each day are well on their way to reigniting their passion.  I recommend that you try it as well and please comment back on how it works for you.

All you have to do is hug until relaxed!

Thank you so much,

Dr. Adam Sheck

If you would like me to support you in your journey towards a better relationship, I want to extend a special offer to you, to have a complimentary Relationship Coaching Strategy Session with me via Skype or telephone.  Please click here to schedule the session, if what I’ve written makes sense to you and you are ready for RESULTS!

A recent survey of adulterers found that men preferred Toyotas and women preferred Hondas.  As a couples counselor, I’m not quite sure how this data is relevant, yet it is a piece of some puzzle.  Does it mean that having an affair isn’t a romantic, high class “affair” for most people?  Does it mean that the more well-to-do simply don’t respond to surveys such as this one by the adulterer website, AshleyMadison.com?  Over 3000 people DID respond though, which says something as well!

Perhaps cheating women prefer a man who is “green” and picks them up in a Prius, though I can’t imagine there’s much room in the back seat to play!  Of course, that might just be a Southern California fantasy.  It did appear that women over 45 preferred the Lexus, so perhaps tastes change over time.

As a couples counselor and relationship coach, I don’t discriminate, I’ll work with ANY couple that wants to improve their relationship, from drivers of Volkswagons to drivers of Bentleys and everything in-between.  I work with couples in all stages of relationship issues and can help to prevent an affair or help to rebuild trust if an affair has already happened.

Please let me know how I might help you in your relationship.

Dr. Adam Sheck

If you would like me to support you in your journey towards a better relationship, I want to extend a special offer to you, to have a complimentary Relationship Coaching Strategy Session with me via Skype or telephone.  Please click here to schedule the session, if what I’ve written makes sense to you and you are ready for RESULTS!